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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

1. Man who mowed lawn with tornado behind him says he 'was keeping an eye on it.' 

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He takes lawn care very seriously.

2. Spokane Craigslist ad seeks 'generic father figure for backyard BBQ' 

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Cue this song. 

3.  Sean Hannity is shocked and appalled at The Onion 

Call Sean Hannity!

Strangely enough, he's not appalled by the own stuff he says.

4. Kurdish man gets 18 month prison sentence for praising YPG fighters' moustaches 


Guess they're more about goatees.

5. Paranoid Camborne cannabis dealer Kane Spargo called police to home where he stashed drugs 

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The first rule of being a drug dealer is not calling the cops on yourself.

6. A new move from N.J. lawmakers to push mob out of recycling biz 

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"Eye (cracks knuckles) it looks like you didn't separate the glass from plastics..."

7. Police tape: Former Canadian nurse confessed to killing 'mean' patients 

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If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all...or a nurse will kill you.

8. Australian MP knocks himself out laughing at TV comedy Veep 

This quote should be on the DVD box set.

9. Saddam Hussein's final days were spent listening to Mary J Blige and gardening, book claims 

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So he's basically my friend's grandmother.

10. Augusta City Center Closes After Angry Man Releases 100 Live Bed Bugs 

If he decides to become a supervillain, The Bug Bomber is a pretty good name.

11. Wal-Mart Asks Employees to Deliver Packages on Their Way Home 

"Hey not only do we pay you so little that we give you Food Stamps information in your employment packet, but could you deliver this for us while you're off the clock? Thanks."

They better come up with a payment structure for this test program fast.

12. Peace activist cited for disturbing the peace 

"But...peace was all I wanted!"

13. Send naked mole rat memes instead of nude photos, child protection centre tells boys 

the star

That's one way to combat child pornography...

14. Pakistan: Men sentenced to three years in prison for “Excessive use of Quran” 

"Seriously bro, stop reading it. Like, you haven't even started Harry Potter yet and I've been asking you to read it for years."

15. Don't put ground wasp nest on your vagina to tighten muscles, warns gynaecologist 

Wasp's nest from a bird box - being eaten by moths! #wasps #waspsnest #moths #birdbox

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If you need someone to tell you this...

16. Pizza oven affected Montreal air quality readings, report says 

What the hell were they cooking that pizza with?

17. Republican Congressman Says God Will 'Take Care Of' Climate Change 

Cool, while we're at it, God will take care of your job, so you probably don't need employment in Congress anymore. Give someone else the chance to make some money.

18. Theresa May asked about answering questions with platitudes, answers with platitudes 

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One for every occasion, I suppose.

19. Spicer on 'covfefe': 'The president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant' 

"Yeah like, you need to be cool to know what it means, it was an inside joke...that he posted to the President of the United States."