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The Federalist
Men And Women 'Can't Be Friends,' According To Conservative Pastor Hans Fiene

An essay on friendships between men an women written for conservative blog The Federalist has got Twitter loling at writer Hans Fiene. Fiene is a pastor at the River of Life Lutheran Church. The thesis of Fiene's argument? That the birthrate is falling and it's the responsibility of women to cut loose their male friends so they can go make babies with a willing women. 

You see, men are only friends for "one reason" according to Fiene. He doesn't say "to get laid," oh no. Fiene's essay is full of population growth euphemisms, like in this bizarre tidbit: "Telling him he’s like a brother to you won’t stop his brain from shouting 'Marry that woman and impregnate her now' when he encounters your femininity."

It's insulting to both men and women to suggest that they have nothing of value to offer one another besides sperm and sperm receptacles. While there may be some frisson of attraction in even ostensibly platonic relationships, that doesn't make them the reason you share company, interests, life events and opinions with every person of the opposite sex you know. And if it is, trust me: they can tell and you're creeping them out. 

Fiene signs off by telling women, "So get brave. Get married. Get pregnant a bunch of times and give birth to a bunch of beautiful little future taxpayers. The time has come to fight for our future. The time has come to rebuild America’s demographic glory atop the rubble of the fertility-killing Friend Zone." 

Interestingly, Feine explained to Chicago Inc that he has been married for almost twelve years, though folks on the Internet suggested he'd never had a girlfriend, or had sex, in his life: 

Though some think there's a more compelling reasons why men and women can't be friends:

Another big hole in this argument? People who identify as LGBTQ. Who are they supposed to be friends with, in this argument full of mental gymnastics?