As far as we're concerned, the whole point of having kids is tweeting the absurd and vaguely disturbing things they say. There's nothing quite like seeing inside the mind of a tiny person who hasn't yet been shaped cultural norms (and common decency). And we owe the Twitter famous and fabulous Kelly Oxford a huge thank you for bringing us the wise words of her seven-year-old daughter, Bea.
For someone who's been on this planet for less than a decade, Bea has made some very astute observations about the world around her— and they are completely hilarious. This kid needs her own TV show. Behold, the world according to Bea:
She actually has a decent strategy for going on The Bachelor.
"I'm going to go on the Bachelor. If he's gross, I'll tell him & walk off. If they don't let me leave, I'll make him hate me." 7yo daughter— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) January 19, 2016
And she's very inquisitive.
7yr old: Wait! Do animals make babies the same way people do??— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) November 28, 2015
7yr old, mutters: Oh my god.
She knows a lot for her age.
7yo says things to shock me. She just said, "I'd like to go to heaven but you can't smoke weed there." I stayed cool, this will escalate.— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) March 17, 2016
Like, a lot.
7yo "They have night cameras on Survivor? Guess they can't have sex"— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) March 5, 2016
Me "I can't believe you said that.
7yo "I can't believe I did either."
And she's just beginning to understand the injustice in the world.
7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?"— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) November 20, 2015
7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
She's definitely not the most empathetic person.
7YO singing along to Beyonce's HOLD UP, stops, whispers..— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) April 28, 2016
"I'm so glad Beyoncé wrote this song. I'm so glad her husband cheated on her."
And she has her thoughts on all the bullsh*t that goes on in Canada.
Me "Bea, you're seven, you don't need a purse. When I was seven I didn't have one."— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) April 23, 2016
Bea "You lived in Alberta!!!"
She can be a little bit defensive.
Bea: Can you quiz me on my book "A Dog Tail"— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) May 22, 2016
Me: How long's the tail?
Bea: No idea.
Me: Dog's name?
Bea: I ONLY READ THE BOOK ONCE, GOD!
But mostly, she's insightful AF.
1 good piece of news today:— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) March 24, 2016
7yo told me there is a secret war going on between muffins and cupcakes & I haven't stopped thinking about it.
She definitely isn't concerned with anyone else's self esteem.
My 7yr old daughter just saw me topless & stared, whispering, "I'm never gonna take off my bra." :(— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) September 9, 2015
And she's pretty damn sassy.
Waiter: You finished dessert fast; want anything else?— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) May 22, 2016
Bea 7yo: No thanks (Whispers to self) kinda weird to ask that after serving dessert.
Honestly, we should probably be completely terrified of her.
7yr old: will the apopolypse ever happen?— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) November 24, 2015
7yr old: I kinda hope it does, so I can try human meat.
This kid is clearly going places, though.
BuzzFeed asked Oxford if people were sometimes surprised by Bea's... adult-like personality. Apparently, they are. "All the time. Every day."