It's Wednesday AKA hump day AKA the Switzerland of weekdays. Wednesdays aren't depression-inducing the way Mondays are, or palpitatingly exhilarating like Fridays, but hey, they're just another day we need to get through in this trippy space-time continuum that is life.
But instead of getting all "deep" (I'm boring myself), let's put existentialism aside and just have a laugh. I sifted through reddit and Twitter and more reddit to try and bring you guys some of the most hilarious stories, tidbits, and anecdotes of insanely idiotic people we should all laugh at together. Because laughter makes the days go faster — or whatever people say.
Read on for 12 stories that will literally make you laugh-cry, and @ me if you don't find yourself cracking up (or weeping, there's a fine line) at least once while reading. I dare you.
1. Native America
I was waiting in a very long line last year and got stuck next to a mid 20’s male. I’m a mid 30’s male that is Native American/Mexican mix. I have very distinct features and whenever I meet new people, one of the first three questions they ask is “What are you?”
This guy asked me that question and I responded with Native American/Mexican mix. He looked at me and sincerely asked me “What is Native America like? I always wanted to go there.” I just decided to have some fun and told him it is beautiful, and has lots of natural areas worth checking out.
2. People don't understand the way food works, I think.
My aunt still believes that meat from the grocery store doesn't come from animals so buying steak at Albertsons is completely ok but buying steak from a butcher is supporting cow murder.
The person in front of me at Burger King:
"Could you stick these fries back in the fryer to rinse off the salt? I'm trying to watch my calories."
One time I saw two 20-something girls get on the bus with their grocery bags. They get in their seats and start looking at the items they bought. One girl grabs the a box of table salt starts looking at the nutritional information, then turns to her friend "Oh my God, there's so much sodium in this!"
3. France Is Bacon
When I was young my father said to me:
"Knowledge is Power....Francis Bacon"
I understood it as "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon".
For more than a decade I wondered over the meaning of the second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two? If I said the quote to someone, "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon" they nodded knowingly. Or someone might say, "Knowledge is power" and I'd finish the quote "France is Bacon" and they wouldn't look at me like I'd said something very odd but thoughtfully agree. I did ask a teacher what did "Knowledge is power, France is bacon" mean and got a full 10 minute explanation of the Knowledge is power bit but nothing on "France is bacon." When I prompted further explanation by saying "France is Bacon?" in a questioning tone I just got a "yes." At 12 I didn't have the confidence to press it further. I just accepted it as something I'd never understand.
It wasn't until years later I saw it written down that the penny dropped.
4. "They won't even notice."
My first year of college I met a girl and we became fairly close. She lived nearby so we’d spend time with her family for free meals and whatnot. One day, we’re sitting in her living room with her mother and besides the obvious 20 year age gap they looked nearly identical. Discussing getting into the bars, my friend says, “Mom, I’ll just use your ID and they won’t even notice. We look the same.” I tell her that won’t work, her mother’s ID says her birth year and my friend most definitely does not look 40. My friend’s mother thinks for a minute and says, “Oh, I have an old ID from when I was 21, you could use that one.” My friend agrees and they talk about how smart their plan is... they were both equally stumped when I reminded them that just because she got the ID when she was 21 doesn’t mean the birth date would be any different.
5. How did this kid make it to pre-law?
Legal studies major here. In one of my intro to American law classes, we had to prepare an oral presentation about an assigned supreme court justice. Mine was Justice Stephen Breyer.
When the teacher handed out our slips of paper, every justice was listed in the format "justice (last name here)". Obviously, the whole class was expected to know that Justice was simply a title these people use.
Unfortunately, one boy in the class didn't know that. Homeboy was assigned Justice Anthony Kennedy. He got up in front of the class, passed around photos of some guy, and said "This is Justice Kennedy," and then proceeded to give a presentation on some guy whose name was literally Justice Kennedy. Idk how he found the dude, but he had some really personal information about some rando (not related to a career as an attorney or judge in any way).
The kid wasn't even flustered when the teacher said "who the hell is this guy?" He just sat down as if this was a daily occurrence.
It's been years and I still think about him sometimes.
6. Vegans SMH
I worked at a restaurant for a while, and I once had a vegan order a Parmesan Tilapia. I told her that the Parmesan Tilapia wasn’t a vegan dish. She asked why, and I said “Tilapia is a fish. Parmesan is cheese, and therefor an animal product.”
She looks me dead in the face, scoffs, and turns to the people at her table and says. “Our server doesn’t know anything.” Then looks back at me. “Tilapia is a fruit. I’ve been to a Tilapia orchard... Parmesan, since you don’t know, is made from grinding eggplant root... How did you even get a job in a restaurant?”
I stared at her for a solid 10 seconds, trying to figure out if she was messing with me. She demanded the manager come speak to her. She wasn’t joking.
Tilapia Orchard is now the name of my future band.
7. If you don't understand the crime...
I thought Arson was a guy. The news would say "Arson is suspected." And I was like, 'Another one?!? They gotta catch this guy!'
I thought money laundering was physically washing the money and hanging it to dry to get [drug] residue off of it. A whole room of people silently stared at me after I announced this.
I always thought "Euthanasia" was "Youth in Asia" and couldn't figure out why it was a big controversial issue. Yeah there are kids living in Asia, so what?
8. #TBT Summer Jobs
One of my first jobs was at a fast food restaurant. Parents were always making their kids get applications so they could work a summer job. One kid in particular sticks out. She came from a very wealthy family and technically didn't need the job, but her parents wanted her to have a first-hand account of what it was like to work a customer service job. She was about as ditzy as could be, though.
One night, she stayed late to close the dining room, part of which required her to clean the restrooms. When I told her this, she started gagging saying "I can't do it! It is too gross!" I told her it really wasn't that bad and that she needed to get the cleaning caddy from the mop room, spray down the sink, refill the paper goods, use the toilet brush to clean the toilet, and then mop. She put on her brave face and proceeded.
Shortly after, I hear this full on horror house screaming coming from the bathroom. She comes running out, gagging and crying. I asked what happened and she starts bawling about getting toilet water in her mouth. I asked her how, and she said she was scrubbing the toilet with the "Rubber brush thing" and it splashed back in her face. I go into the bathroom to see what is up, and it turns out she was using the plunger to clean the toilet.
I also taught this girl that when someone gives her a $20 bill or higher that she needs to use the counterfeit marker. If it stays yellow, the bill is good. If it turns dark brown, then the bill is bad and she needed to let me know.
After her shift, I pull her register to count it and every single $20 was marked with a dark black mark. I stopped counting and asked her why the bills were marked with a black mark and she replied "I couldn't find the special marker you gave me, so I just used a sharpie."
9. Medicine glasses
Told a coworker I ordered my glasses online, and she asked me how they got the medicine in them. When I pressed further, she explained that they put medicine in the lenses which the light carries to your eyes to make them better. She is a mother. This terrifies me.
10. Dumb drivers, I've known a few.
"I do not use my mirrors while driving"
Worst one I heard: "I get nervous when I have to do long turns, so I just close my eyes."
I knew a girl who insisted that, when parallel parking, "you're supposed to tap the car in front of you to make sure it's there."
11. If I had a dime for every time a straight-A student did something shockingly stupid...
When I was around 10 and my older sister was 17, we went to the state fair. She was way too excited to get a giant corn dog right when we got there. She ate a few bites and then stops walking suddenly with a shocked look on her face. We asked her what was wrong, and she looked back at us in all seriousness and said, "....someone put a stick in my corndog....".
She was the valedictorian of her class at a pretty large high school.
12. Yes. I can confirm this is exactly how leap years work.
We were talking about a friend who was actually born on February 29th and what a leap year is and this one girl asked "Yeah leap year means he was born twice right ?" The entire class of high school students went silent and then a roar of laughter erupted. I just sat there stunned contemplating her genuine question.
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