We're living in strange times these days. In the era of 'fake news,' it's sometimes hard to distinguish what's real from what's really depressing to see as a headline being circulated on Facebook and other social platforms. Fortunately for us, humanity is occasionally as insane as these stories suggest and it leads us to feel considerably better about our life decisions and the paths they've led us down compared to people that put themselves in positions so unbelievably ridiculous that you wouldn't bat an eye if you saw it play out on screen with a laugh track attached to it.
Empathy is a trait every decent human being has in spades, but even the most dignified personas throughout history wouldn't be judged by the masses if they rolled their eyes at some of these headlines that seem to increase in absurdity with each passing week. Their abundance clearly indicates that these aren't 'one-off cases' and that mankind has definitely peaked well before the 21st century, but at least they still serve a purpose for those of us scrolling through Facebook between 5 minute bouts of actually performing the job we agreed to do when we were hired. Or on the toilet, dealer's choice.
That being said, here are 19 of the most absurd headlines you'll find this week. Trust me, I looked. Consider it your weekly therapy that'll confirm your hopes of not being the absolute worst person that walks this earth. Whatever you do, just make sure that you don't end up on this list next time, because if you do...well then, I've got nothing to say that'll be all that good.
He takes lawn care very seriously.
Strangely enough, he's not appalled by the own stuff he says.
Guess they're more about goatees.
The first rule of being a drug dealer is not calling the cops on yourself.
"Eye (cracks knuckles) it looks like you didn't separate the glass from plastics..."
If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all...or a nurse will kill you.
This quote should be on the DVD box set.
So he's basically my friend's grandmother.
If he decides to become a supervillain, The Bug Bomber is a pretty good name.
"Hey not only do we pay you so little that we give you Food Stamps information in your employment packet, but could you deliver this for us while you're off the clock? Thanks."
They better come up with a payment structure for this test program fast.
"But...peace was all I wanted!"
That's one way to combat child pornography...
"Seriously bro, stop reading it. Like, you haven't even started Harry Potter yet and I've been asking you to read it for years."
If you need someone to tell you this...
What the hell were they cooking that pizza with?
Cool, while we're at it, God will take care of your job, so you probably don't need employment in Congress anymore. Give someone else the chance to make some money.
One for every occasion, I suppose.
"Yeah like, you need to be cool to know what it means, it was an inside joke...that he posted to Twitter...as the President of the United States."
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