1. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
3. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
4. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
5. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
6. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
7. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
8. What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.
9. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
10. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
11. "This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
12. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
14. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
16. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
17. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh." The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."
18. I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves.
19. What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.
20. "I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
21. Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? Whether they say 'yes' or 'no': K.
22. What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* "damn" and a skydiver goes "damn" *whack*.
23. A baby seal walks into a club.
24. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
25. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
26. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you up.
27. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
28. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
29. There's no "I" in Denial.
30. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
31. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
32. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
33. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
34. Two penguins walk into a bar... which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.
35. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
36. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets... then it hit me.
37. Have I told you this deja vu joke before?
38. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
39. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...
40. I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.