These Horror Stories About Neighbors Will Make You Feel Relieved About Your Own
Most people have a crazy neighbor story, but these are the weirdest of the weird.
When I got my dog a few years ago, she would sometimes bark when I wasn't home. This is all pretty normal for a new puppy. My neighbor at the time disagreed. After about a week or so I came home to find a note taped to my door saying my "dog won't shut up" and that I that suck, and my dog sucked, and that we should both die. So you know, real neighborly advice.
Another time, I ran into my apartment to grab something and then immediately left. As I was locking the door to my apartment, my neighbor stormed out into the hallway to tell me that I was being too loud and need to stop opening and closing the door so much. I guess using a door twice was too much for him.
I did what anyone would do in this situation. I waited for him to move and fortunately the new guy loved my dog. Just goes to show you that everything turns out okay if you just are patient and don't escalate a situation. If you're feeling burned by your own neighbor, I promise, you will feel at least a little better after reading these horror stories, below:
1. Arrogance destroys even the smartest of men on ATVs
2. This is what pettiness gets you
3. They prefer water from the tap
4. I mean, who wants to sit in their car?
5. He nearly got away with it
Neighbor has a teenage son, 2 years my junior who's an idiot. Got a used car for his birthday and decided to paint it neon green. Okay...One night he comes home, drunk, and proceeds to crash into my dad's car parked outside. Decides to hide it (poorly) and the next morning, claims it wasn't him. We probably would have believed him had the damage on my dad's car not had a neon green paint swap to it. Fucking moron.
6. What is her end game here?
My neighbor is an overweight middle aged woman that seems to have a bad knee only when my kids are outside in the summer. If they are playing in my fenced in back yard, she'll pretend to fall down so they can help her up. I went from "Kids, you should help her, that's what neighbors do!" to "She fell AGAIN? It seems like she only falls when you guys are playing. She doesn't fall when I'm working in the garden." to "If she falls again, come get me." When I started saying that, she seemed to be able to get up pretty quickly. I had to go over there in August and tell her that I can't have my kids helping her get up anymore, they are 7 and 8 years old and they can't give her medical aid.I get that she is probably lonely, but 3 or 4 times a week, I'd hear her yell "Kids, Kids! help me up, I fell AGAIN."
7. When you are the first person to do something, it is helpful to ask "Why am I the first?"
8. Poor granny
We have a grandma next door who is raising her 3 grandchildren. They are complete teenage idiots.They got in trouble for stealing from our neighbors. The kids would offer to cut their grass and ask to use their bathroom when they were done. Then they would steal medication from the bathroom.It was extremely obvious who stole medication. They pulled this scam up and down the block. Wasn't too hard to put it together.
Edit to add: two of the grandkids are in juvie. They stole a crazy expensive car from a very wealthy neighborhood nearby. And they crashed the car...\
9. The car is not a plant
10. But your dirt is so much nicer
11. Who's the bad neighbor now?
12. Let me tell you about a guy by the name of Archimedes.
13. This seems wasteful
Our neighbors have a second kitchen in the basement that they use for everything, so the actual kitchen won't look used or dirty.
Edit: they are Germans, living in Germany. It's definitely not normal here.
My neighbor of the last house I lived in had about 1/3 of his property inside our backyard because the previous tenants didn't measure correctly when they installed the fence.
2-3 times a week my neighbor raked leaves. He start in his backyard and then drag a giant trash can to his 1/3 of the property of my yard and rake for hours. Then he'd go to the front and rake that area and walk the trash can back through our backyard and into the woods where he'd dump the leaves and yard clippings.
This neighbor was so obsessed that his 1/3 of the yard didn't have grass growing from how often he raked and walked through it. And in the summer he'd mow this dirt patch, sometimes after the sun had gone down and it was completely dark.
15. You know what would be fun? Tormenting a baby!
16. Foolish city folks
I grew up on a small farm with cows, turkeys, etc. Across the street was a small produce farm. When I was 6 or so, we got a new neighbor. He had been a corporate lawyer in NYC and then woke up one day, said "I really fucking hate my job, I'm going to buy a farm and raise exotic animals."
This guy did not know much but by gods he had a dream and he wasn't going to give up. He and his wife were both city folk, born and raised in NYC. They moved in during the winter and he asked my dad a lot of questions about pens, fences, vets, the works. Spring comes and I was awakened by frantic knocking on the door one fine morning. It's the wife, Jen, panicking because "It smells like poop! Is there a problem with the sewer? Who do we call?!" My mom starts laughing, which frustrates Jen more. My mom explained that it was spring and the produce farm across the street just laid down their fertilizer. My mom had to further explain that fertilizer is just a nice word for cow shit. After she left we could hear her screaming at her husband that she hated it here and this was the dumbest idea he's ever had and she wants to go back to the city. Keep in mind that our houses were pretty far apart as we were both on 6-10 acre lots. She could really project.
They got some emus and llamas in shortly after. This is like 1990, most people had never even heard of an emu at this point. My father is suitably impressed with the livestock, less so with the fencing Arthur chose. It was wire fencing with pretty large holes in it. Large enough for both the llamas and the emus to stick their heads through... and then they'd decide they were thirsty so they'd snake their heads back through a lower hole and get stuck that way. Arthur would then come running to our house for help getting his animals unstuck before they drowned in the water troughs.This happened at least once a month for over ten years. Arthur never changed the fencing, despite my dad asking him why he wouldn't change the fencing or at least move the troughs into the center of the pens.
They've since moved, but I'll never forget the zaniness of runaway emus and llamas, fantastical escaping pygmy goats, or Jen freaking out because it smelled like poop.
Edit: I'm now aware that this is apparently also the premise of Green Acres. I really wouldn't be surprised if that was their inspiration, but they wound up doing very well. Also, the wife was an amazing cook.
17. Next time, try a sweater
18. Always bring in the lawyer
My neighbor routinely drops his trash from the porch to his trashcan, except he's fucking retarded and hits the side of the bin each time and garbage spills everywhere. This just happens to be directly in front of our mailboxes, so if I want to check my mail, I have to step over his rotting food garbage.
I got fed up and called the landlord. For some reference, my landlord is a 85 year old hag and my neighbors literally get checks from the state for their mental disabilities. We had this conversation.
Me: I need you to tell my neighbors to quit dropping their garbage from the porch to the can, it's getting trash everywhere. They don't pick it up and now it's rotting.
LL: Well. It's not my responsibility to clean that up.
Me: I didn't say that, it's their responsibility. They made the mess, they need to clean it up.
LL: Yeah, but she just went through chemo and surgery and has been sick for a long time. She can hardly get up and down the steps.
Me: Yeah, but her husband can do it. Also I see her outside all the time now, she seems to be doing fine.
LL: They pay $100 more than you do, so I don't think I need to talk to them about...
Me: They are on HUD. Technically I'm paying their rent along with mine.(This confuses her, she gets quiet.)
LL: Well. It's not my responsibility.Me: It's disgusting and it needs to be cleaned up and they can do it.LL: I'm just surprised the lawyer hasn't complained.(the lawyer is in the offices below our apartments, he got suckered into like a 10 year lease by the hag)
Me: So if the lawyer complained, it would get fixed?(She stops again and then realizes she fucked up)
LL: No! No, not at all.
Me: So it's not going to be fixed? Are you implying I should clean it up because I pay less than they do?(Landlord gets quiet)
LL: I have to go now.
The next day I told the lawyer to complain about it and he was like 'absolutely' because he hates her anyways. It was cleaned up that day.