We all know marriage isn't easy. It's a give and take, sacrifices and compromises, blah blah blah. We can wax on poetically about how profound a union between two people who are committed to loving each other until the day they die, but, like everything, tediousness sinks in. The mundane sinks in. The shallowest of shallow feelings always do us in and the little things that our significant other does on a daily basis really, really get to us.
These tweets encapsulate all of that.
In case you're wondering what marriage is like, my husband and I just fought over the fact that he wouldn't tell me where he hid the candy I asked him to hide from me.— Lindsey Silver (@EvenTheDogsABoy) February 23, 2018
You: *opens mouth to say something— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) March 20, 2016
Me: "Shh, baby, I really don't feel like arguing right now."
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 4, 2016
HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting.
You know you've been married a while when you can correctly answer "What's that one person's name in that movie about the thing?"— Zackadaisical (@Mr_Kapowski) November 4, 2016
*watching husband sleep*— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
Me: "I can't live like this."
[leaving for work]— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 18, 2017
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*
I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.— mama77⚽️ (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
wife: What temperature?
wife: That's the clock
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
[Me, on my deathbed]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
*walking into store*— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 24, 2017
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."
Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.— Jersey (@better_off_dad) October 15, 2017
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they'll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we're sleeping in shifts from now on— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) October 28, 2017
A haiku for my husband...— Morgan🦋 (@MAB1013) June 13, 2017
Your whiskers are black
The porcelain sink is white
Are you fucking blind?
Me: I'm gonna take a shower.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 23, 2017
Husband, raising eyebrows suggestively: Need any help?
Me: Yeah, keep the kids busy.
I'm never more nervous than when I insist we're out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017
My husband surprised me by taking today off. Now I have to pretend like I do dishes and laundry and shit while he's working. My Friday is ruined.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 17, 2017
My wife combined so many coupons the grocery store actually paid her.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2017
She's been talking about it for 20 minutes.
This is her Super Bowl.
Dear Abby,— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.— Stacey (@skittle624) November 2, 2017
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 16, 2017
wife: ok [hugs me]
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
Me: the book is so much better— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
[Husband 911]— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017
Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017
wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE— tragic ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
Marriage is bliss, that is if you learn to love the little things by poking fun of your squabbles on social media.