I understand the hype around manicures. Granted, it’s much cheaper to do your nails yourself at home, but there’s kind of a thrill to going to the salon every other week and picking a color, then sitting back and presenting your hands to get massaged and beautified. Not to mention the fact they do a much better job at cutting and filing than you ever will (nail-biters, hello).
I can even get behind nail art. While most lacquer purists might consider nail designs tacky at best, I have to admit there were years when I bought special brushes, stamps, and matte finishes to try my hand at cute wearable miniature paintings I could show off at work.
But there are some people who took the concept of nail art a little too far. From utilitarian designs that ensure you’ll never misplace your lipstick to sketching on your fingers (and adding hair!) so all your digits look like your face, here are 12 ridiculous manis that probably shouldn't have left the salon.
1. THESE NAILS HAVE FINGERNAILS.
What’s better, the artists at @nail_sunny say the inspiration for this look was Cardi B’s Met Gala look. Wait, what? How in the world are the two things related?
2. I’m just going to leave these here.
Because not even a thousand words of the purest poetry would approach an apt description of this image.
Check out that index finger giving the middle finger the side eye.
Call me trypophobic but I am NOT digging these nail holes. Don’t get me started on the way they’re shaped to basically catch on everything, or how that snag in the pinky looks like it could draw blood.
But if I'm just yucking your yum, check out #cheesenails on Instagram and you won’t be disappointed.
4. Got me feeling wavy
If your vibe is rocking the wavy eyebrow trend of yore, you’ll love this manicure shape. Staring at this photo for too long might cause you, like me, to feel like these nails are shaped normally and it’s the rest of your screen is going crazy... which is reason number 14 I won't be getting this mani.
5. Can it get any cornier than this?
I’m pretty positive I support corn as much as any other American. I’ll eat it on the cob, in popcorn, or tortillas—even the high fructose stuff in sodas doesn’t bug me too much. But these nails managed to get under my skin. The husks look astoundingly inconvenient for daily hand activities (washing, wiping)— also what is going on with that butter?
6. Don’t go anywhere without it
I’ll disclaim here that @nail_sunny, the insane Russian salon responsible for the nails with nails in #1 is my unrivaled favorite when it comes to absolutely insane and (in my opinion) unwearable manicures. So much so that they’ll definitely appear in this list again. If you’re the type of person who forgets your lipstick every time you go out, and the idea of throwing it in your purse is just *too passé*, you can always work it into your manicure like this girl did.
7. Pen pals
Now this is the kind of functional bedazzled mani situation I can get behind. It's all fun and games when your colleagues need something to write with and you sarcastically offer up your nails. But... imagine typing with these things??
8. We get it, you love plants
Like every other millennial and their mom, I do love plants. And though I might not treat them as stand-ins for children, I do enjoy them in varying shapes and sizes at home and at the workplace. But these 3D succulents take the hype a bit far in my humble o.
9. The big day
You picked the perfect spouse and the best venue with most amazing vendors, and you can’t wait to publicly profess your love in front of everyone who RSVPed. So naturally, you'll get miniature replicas of yourself and your beau to stick on your hand and be extra-meta. Like, the engagement ring and wedding band don’t accessorize enough? I don’t know, I’ll probably not be adding this to my Pinterest board.
For a minute, I thought wearing your own self and your groom on your fingers was meta, but these teeth are making me second guess everything. What’s next, eyeballs in your mouth? Noses on your toes? This mani’s got me feeling some kind of unpleasant existential way.
11. Don’t blow it
These nails, on the other hand (I know, I’m hilarious), I can get behind. Not like, I’ll be taking a printout on my next manicure, but if someone showed up to my birthday party with this do and I got to blow out their nails, well, let's just say I’d have a good laugh and remember that birthday for, probably, ever.
12. Free the nipple
Last but not least, another @nail_sunny creation, this time combining two questionable trends: the bubble nail (example below)
and sticking boob imagery on everything. The latter I am unopposed to, but the former really does raise a lot of questions (How do they do it? Looks like just 100 coats of polish to me…). When fused together, this manicure, although inspired, is a hard NO for me.
So next time the nail technician doesn't give you the perfect mani, just think of these.