35 Hilarious Tweets That Are Way Too Relatable For Parents
By Mark PygasBased on how I acted as a child, having kids seems like a terrible idea in about every regard. Sure, they're cute at times, but you also have to put up with the diapers and temper tantrums which eventually translate into a complete lack of any sleep. Then when they get older they take their sweet time flying the coup. Then comes college so don't even get us started on that. So the pros and cons are looking to really favor the cons. If you need any proof that the whole parenting thing is a no-go, just look at these tweets from actual parents.
Then they complain about being sleepy in the morning.
My biggest parenting conundrum: why it is so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 5, 2016
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 27, 2014
at least we don't have to save for college
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 10, 2013
I'm pretty sure we all got upset about this.
To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2013
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said "People are a prototype" and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) February 7, 2015
Me: [in bathroom]
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 19, 2016
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT'S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
Me: We've taken 1,000 pics. We're never going to get all 4 kids smiling at once.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2016
Wife: Fine. Just pick the best one pic.twitter.com/E7jDR5uGIm
Anything to get them to stay in bed.
Me: goodnight kids
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2015
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2016
If your child gives you the silent treatment, that's called a parenting win.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2017
Her: All our children's snacks are organic.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) July 26, 2014
Me: Cool. My kid eats candy off the floor.
Not getting vomited on is the highlight of any parent's day.
[Bucket Lists]
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 26, 2017
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Becoming a parent means spending the rest of your life looking like you are in desperate need of a shower, a nap, and a heavy drink.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 29, 2016
Me: I made pork.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) September 1, 2015
3yo: I don't like pork.
Me: It's chicken.
3yo: Oh, yeah, I like that kind of chicken.#Parenting #PickyEater #Win
I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2017
The puns make it all worth it.
7 y/o daughter: "If I'm watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn't they be couchtoons cause I'm not in a car?"
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) March 5, 2016
No paternity test needed
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) April 28, 2015
Before kids: "Oh I don't drink coffee"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 16, 2016
1 kid: "I'll have one cup, lots of cream & sugar"
2 kids: "THE WHOLE POT BLACK YES I KNOW IT'S HOT"
When someone asks what it's like to be a mom I show them the magazine I've been carrying for 6mths,because dammit I'm gonna read it one day.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 21, 2016
Scissors are not toys.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
— Ash (@adult_mom) October 12, 2016
Preschool Registration form: What's one word you would use to describe your child?
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 6, 2016
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Ah. This sheet music must be for the parenting theme song. pic.twitter.com/Xf3jNmiBFN
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) June 27, 2016
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
The human body can run surprisingly well on ten minutes of sleep.
Parenting is basically surprising yourself each day due to how much stuff you can get done while in a perpetual state of exhaustion.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 16, 2016
If you're not prepared to spend 1/3 of your day "watching this," then you aren't ready to be a parent.
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) August 4, 2016
I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 15, 2016
There are few things more terrifying than finding your toddler in the living room with an uncapped red Sharpie in her hand.
— Sara (@smilely_gal) February 9, 2016
I'd be sad, too.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn't find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn't even wear glasses.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) July 31, 2015
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2015
Me: Yes. She did that.
Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014
They're basically animals that learn to speak.
There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 22, 2015
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."
— Jess (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
Parenting sounds like a terrible idea.
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