35 Hilarious Tweets That Are Way Too Relatable For Parents

My biggest parenting conundrum: why it is so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 5, 2016

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don't have to save for college

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 27, 2014

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 10, 2013

To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2013

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said "People are a prototype" and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

— Kristin (@FeralCrone) February 7, 2015

Me: [in bathroom]

7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?

Me: Yeah pal

7: IT'S ME

Me: I know

7: YOUR SON

Me: Knew that too

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 19, 2016

Me: We've taken 1,000 pics. We're never going to get all 4 kids smiling at once.

Wife: Fine. Just pick the best one pic.twitter.com/E7jDR5uGIm

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2016

Me: goodnight kids

Kids: goodnight dad

Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad

Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2015

Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2016

If your child gives you the silent treatment, that's called a parenting win.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2017

Her: All our children's snacks are organic.

Me: Cool. My kid eats candy off the floor.

— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) July 26, 2014

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 26, 2017

Becoming a parent means spending the rest of your life looking like you are in desperate need of a shower, a nap, and a heavy drink.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 29, 2016

Me: I made pork.
3yo: I don't like pork.
Me: It's chicken.
3yo: Oh, yeah, I like that kind of chicken.#Parenting #PickyEater #Win

— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) September 1, 2015

I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2017

7 y/o daughter: "If I'm watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn't they be couchtoons cause I'm not in a car?"

No paternity test needed

— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) March 5, 2016

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) April 28, 2015

Before kids: "Oh I don't drink coffee"

1 kid: "I'll have one cup, lots of cream & sugar"

2 kids: "THE WHOLE POT BLACK YES I KNOW IT'S HOT"

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 16, 2016

When someone asks what it's like to be a mom I show them the magazine I've been carrying for 6mths,because dammit I'm gonna read it one day.

— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 21, 2016

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

— Ash (@adult_mom) October 12, 2016

Preschool Registration form: What's one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 6, 2016

Ah. This sheet music must be for the parenting theme song. pic.twitter.com/Xf3jNmiBFN

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) June 27, 2016

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands

— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015

Parenting is basically surprising yourself each day due to how much stuff you can get done while in a perpetual state of exhaustion.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 16, 2016

If you're not prepared to spend 1/3 of your day "watching this," then you aren't ready to be a parent.

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) August 4, 2016

I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 15, 2016

There are few things more terrifying than finding your toddler in the living room with an uncapped red Sharpie in her hand.

— Sara (@smilely_gal) February 9, 2016

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn't find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn't even wear glasses.

— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) July 31, 2015

2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.

Me: You mean rugged and manly.

2: Purrrr.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2015

Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014

There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 22, 2015

I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"

— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."

— Jess (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015