I've always wondered about that funny phrase at weddings where the officiant goes, "Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace." It feels so... final and crucial and important and sometimes I get stressed that someone's about to blurt something out, or I start running through every reason they maybe actually shouldn't be together in my head.
I haven't been to that many weddings, so I don't have any hilarious objections to report, though I was once tempted to say something when a friend got hitched to this guy after only dating him for three months... But they're not together now anyway, so I digress.
Someone asked reddit about the times they've heard anyone "speak up" during the ceremony, and the results were hilarious. I want to keep some of these in my pocket for the wedding I'm attending next month!
Scroll down for some funny moments where people chose not to "hold their peace."
1. This woman who was already married to the groom
My dad is a minister. He once had a lady stand up in the church and say that the marriage couldn't go forward because she was still married to the groom.
2. The crazy uncle
Not my wedding, nor my peace that didn't get held.
My best friend, the morning before his wedding, his crazy uncle (you know, that one black sheep uncle that everybody seems to have), shows up at his door. "You don't have to do this. We're 2 hours drive from Mexico, here's the keys to my car, the tank is full, and here's 10 grand in cash." My buddy laughs and closes the door on him.
Later, during this very fancy, very prim and proper Catholic wedding, it comes to the 'anybody here' part. Immediately that uncle stands up in the pew, in the back, starts rattling his car keys as loud as he can, and yells "TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, BOY!"
3. The groom's side piece
Priest: "...that these 2 should not be wed?"
GF of best man: "THAT AIN'T YER KID IN THERE!!"
Best man was f--king his fiancée since the groom's two-month trip to China. He thought he was great at hiding it from his GF. He was not. Think three relationships ended there and a few more friendships.
4. The priest himself
The priest almost sounded like he was objecting during my sister-in-law's wedding. When he got to the "If anyone wants to oppose..." part he started talking about how normally the bride and groom would have come to a meeting with him prior to the ceremony, where he would ensure that there were no reservations, etc, but this couple was too busy... So it was the first time he was unsure if they were going to last... He went on for several minutes about it, during the middle of the ceremony.
It turned out that he had an undiagnosed brain tumor and passed away only a few weeks later, and had started to become mentally unstable right after the wedding.
Edit: Just for clarification, the priest had the brain tumor, not the groom.
5. The casual race car driver
My aunt had her wedding at my grandmother's house. It was a nice Saturday afternoon, 1 p.m. wedding.
"If anyone has reason..."
(A very loud car in the distance does a short burnout)
After a pause, the pastor continues "If anyone has reason that these two shouldn't be..."
(Same car in the distance loudly pulls a full quarter mile run, 10 seconds or less pass before it is quiet again).
There was a nearby drag strip and they were not supposed to start until 2 p.m., both the 1 p. m. wedding started late and the 2 p.m. drag racing started early. The entire ceremony had 10 second or less interruptions.
6. This attendee who should have
I really wanted to...bride/groom had decided to split a week before the wedding, but bride's dad said he wouldn’t pay for all the related expenses (and had already paid all deposits) unless they went ahead with the wedding, so they went ahead with the sham. Not everyone present knew and the couple acted their way through a grotesque display. They lived together just long enough to finalize all the split-up details then divorced.
Truly a nightmare day for those of us who knew the couple well.
7. The bride who didn't bother saying anything
Was at a Hindu wedding. It's a three-hour ceremony that happens on a stage and there were 500 guests. At some point a group of young guys walk to the front of the hall. The bride walks off the stage and leaves through the side of the hall with the group of guys. Anyway, the priest carried on chanting and with the ceremony. The guests assume everything is going on as per normal for the next 15 minutes. After that there were some sudden side conversations between parents, priest, groom etc. Turns out that the bride-to-be left with her boyfriend. The marriage to the groom was arranged and the boyfriend was someone that the father did not like. Last I heard was that the boyfriend and the bride were still together.
8. The father of the bride
My favorite was a wedding I went to for a friend where when they asked this question, the father of the bride unloaded a fart that echoed off the church bench so loud that everyone stopped and just looked at him.
The bride started laughing so hard that her face turned bright red and she had to sit down. Ten minutes of her laughing so hard, she didn't make a sound while the rest of the church laughed. Finally the dad stands up and says, "Look I had a bagel this morning, it didn't sit well." The mother of the bride hit him but laughed and everyone laughed again. Was probably the best wedding I have ever seen.
9. A bachelorette party so wild, too many secrets came out
Sort of multi-layered. It started at the bachelorette party and carried over into the wedding.
So, I was not part of this wedding, but was present, and part of the bachelorette party. Basically the bridal party went to a bar and all the friends could swing by and say hi. So I do that and get beer and congrats and whatever.
Go to the lady's room and the bride is in there with her arms crossed and someone is crying in a stall. Turns out, one of the bridesmaids got drunk and basically said, "I'm so glad you and [fiancé] could forgive each other after he cheated, you're so good together." But the bride didn't know about the cheating.
So the bride decides to lay into the bridesmaid and talk about bridesmaid's husband, how he's a sleezebag who cheated at some point too. So bridesmaid is crying in a stall and bride is pissed.
I make a quick exit. The wedding still happens that weekend.
I'm milling around with the guests in pre-wedding mode, my senses are on high alert cause of the drama I heard at the party.
And sure enough, the bridesmaid's husband is like, trying to force himself into the getting ready area with the bride to yell at her for judging, cause apparently HE has more dirt on her.
So the groom cheated, the bridesmaid's husband cheated, and apparently the bride at some point cheated or at least was way too friendly with an ex. I didn't hear all the details on the last one.
No one was holding peace that day.
10. The stroke of divine intervention
At my uncle's wedding, the priest asked the question and there was a massive crack of thunder.
11. The couple's occasional third
A few years after I graduated from college, a distant friend from high school asked if I would stand up in her wedding because one of members of the wedding party had backed out. At the point in the ceremony where the minister asks people, "Speak now or forever hold your peace," this person who I replaced in the wedding party shows up at the chapel, points to the happy couple, and says: "I got crabs from them!" Seems the happy couple had a three-way with this person sometime before the wedding, which is why I had to replace that person in the wedding party. Further, it seems that the reason that this person got crabs is that this couple had LOTS of three-ways before getting married. This was later confirmed by other members of the wedding party.
NO JOKE: the appetizer at the wedding reception was crab cakes. You can't make this stuff up folks!
12. The family clown
At my cousin's wedding, it was a full on, two-hour long Catholic affair with hymns, blessings, verse readings, etc. Anyway, the priest asks the question and my cousin's brother stood up, adjusted his shirt, stared at my cousin getting married for what felt like forever, grinned then slowly sat down.
My cousin getting married went completely insane, ran down from the altar and socked him right in the nose, screaming"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!??"
And that's how I was a part of a MASS brawl lol
13. This cheeky officiant
I conducted my friends' wedding. We wrote in the line, "If there is any person here present who knows of any legal impediment to these two people being joined in matrimony, then frankly you should have said something before now, you've had the invitation for months."
14. The crazy ex
When the priest said, "If anyone wants to oppose...," a guy, who was drunk, stood up and yelled "I do." He then created a huge commotion and managed to punch the groom in the face, sending him to the ground. Then, the cops arrived and took him away. Later, I learned that he was the bride's ex and had vowed when they broke up that he would ruin her wedding. Crazy AF.
15. This fun little baby
My godson objected at my wedding. He screamed "Nooooo" at the top of his voice once the registrar asked the question. Luckily, he was only one at the time so we all had a good laugh and carried on. The photographer managed to get a great picture of the exact moment everyone started laughing. Poor little bugger.
16. The future nightmare mother-in-law
We had this line taken out of our wedding because we knew my MIL would object if given the opportunity. She showed up with a friend we had NOT invited (who wore all black) and sat in the front row bawling the whole time. She had written me a six-page letter the week before the wedding literally calling me the Antichrist and was/is convinced she's a prophetess of God and that my husband and I were not supposed to get married because she had "prophesied" he was supposed to marry someone else so he could become the next Billy Graham. Twelve years later, marriage is still going strong... but we don't have contact w/MIL. Big surprise.
17. The clever lawyers
Lot of laughs. My friend's older brother is a lawyer. He was marrying a lawyer. Most of their friends are lawyers. The officiant was a judge who was a friend of theirs.
He and his fiancée thought it would be funny to plant someone in the audience. They got a friend to yell, "I Object," to which the judge yelled, "Overruled!" It seemed to have gone over well for most but I don't think some of their family members got it.
18. The secret baby-daddy
My own, I suppose I could say. She and I had been dating since we were 13.
I had gone overseas as a military contractor. And when I returned, I asked her to marry me.
We spent a year planning everything.
On the day of the wedding, when asked if anyone objected, a guy stood up. My would-be wife told him to sit back down and he proclaimed loud enough for everyone to hear that he had been with her the entire time I was away, including the time we were planning the wedding.
She then broke down and confessed that the only reason she was marrying me was that he had gotten her pregnant and he was a bum where as I at least had a job.
Left her, met a nice girl through work, and am now happily married. I see her around some times, miserable as hell with him following behind her like a whipped puppy.
19. These wild, wild jokers
I got married in March. We had a Wild West Wedding complete with antique pistols and a saloon reception.
When that line was said (as was the plan), my Man of Honor stepped out of the wedding party line and objected.
He was then shot on the spot by my husband (unloaded antique pistol, so it just made a loud noise).
My new brother-in-law then dragged him off to the side where he remained for the rest of the ceremony.
There is a great photo of us at at the front with me clutching my pearls while my husband stands with six shooters in each hand asking, "Anybody else?!"
Really makes me wonder how some of these matrimonies are doing nowadays.
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