If humans lived by the laws of the jungle, life would be a lot more difficult but also a lot more satisfying. How so? Well think about all the rules you have to put up with in certain social scenarios. Like being out to dinner with your friends and that one person who everyone knows is a liar and keeps telling tall tales. Imagine how much fun it would be to just tell them to stop fibbing and shut up right over your plate of fettuccine alfredo?
Legal proceedings would probably be a lot more straightforward if we lived by the laws of the jungle, too. Think about how much simpler frivolous corporate and patent lawsuit cases would be if the judge made corporate executives battle it out to see whoever wants it more.
OK maybe that's an extreme-case scenario, but who hasn't felt the urge to go verbally savage on someone like a coworker or boss who stinks, but can't, because of professional work constructs? Well you still can, you just have to be clever like these workplace savages.
What is your favorite phrase to use in a professional clap back?— Millionaire la flare (@DeeRene_) August 21, 2017
Mine is "per my last email..."
So when @DeeRene_ kicked a Twitter thread off of professional clapbacks, people were really excited to jump in. Like this employee who always saves her emails.
And another who uses their own secret language to mask his true feelings.
My scale:— Charles (@charleswrites) August 22, 2017
"Kind regards" = default
"Regards" = I'm pissed off & want you to know
"Warm regards" = I will end you & you won't know it was me
They're so professional, and yet, manage to say what you really want to say in frustrating situations.
The most recent one included, "for transparency and in case of audit" the one before that included "to ensure all documents are reconciled"— Buttercup (@DeeDeeJonee) August 22, 2017
Or what about this classic?
"Going forward, I would prefer that you..."— Femmy From Da Bronx (@FeministaJones) August 22, 2017
Translation: "It's simple, you idiot..."
"In an effort to maintain clarity/transparency..."— Aunt Benjen (@realthill) August 22, 2017
Oh my god. LMFAO. "According 👏🏼 to 👏🏼 my 👏🏼 records...."— Steph Jacobs (@sjacobs) August 22, 2017
"Please let me know if I misunderstood"— Lindsay Bacher (@lindsayinMPLS) August 22, 2017
There are even ways to insinuate that people aren't good at their jobs.
I LOVE an "Any updates on this?"— organic. (@_verytrue) August 22, 2017
I mean, they're just so sassy.
Will you be using any of these any time soon?