What do you do when you're facing a restless night? Watch television? Get some work done? Well, if you're Twitter user Colin Carlson, you spend the night rating all the different kinds of foxes. Which there are a lot of, by the way.
In fact, there are over 12 species of "true foxes" with almost 50 recognized subspecies. So it's a lot of different type of foxes to choose from. They also live just about every where. From cold climates to sandy deserts, you can probably find some cute version of a fluffy fox.
So when Carlson set out to rate them all, we weren't prepared for the dedication this guy had toward foxes. He spared very little details and gave us a pretty accurate ranking of these guys.
a disclaimer before i begin: i am not a fox expert nor do i know things about foxes. please correct me if i am wrong. however the letter grades will not be wrong. this is the definitive ranking— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
It all started with the red fox, a classic in the fox world. The one we all know from the stories. Little red riding hood. Fox and the hound. You know the typical chicken stealing fox you see plastered on ads and campaigns. It's a good starting point for us to set the bar for which are the best of the best when it comes to these cuties.
And it immediately moved into the realm of weird foxes. We're talking super weird. Some of these guys will actually make you scratch your head. You could even just now learned they exist (admittedly we didn't know almost half of these on this portion of the list) So enjoy this knowledge on the weird sector of the fox world.
This stuff is required reading. Give this guy a degree in Foxes.
Rüppell's fox (vulpes rueppellii)— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
• who authorized this transaction
• answers the question no one asked: what if a fox was made of spaghetti
• untrustworthy facial expressions
• potentially too deep in uncanny valley
• grade A- pic.twitter.com/Av410apcqr
bat-eared fox (otocyon megalotis)— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
• a return to weird fox form
• arguably the perfect deviant fox bauplane, doing it's own thing
• this fox answers to no one
• ears full of secrets?
• grade: A++. i will not be negotiated down from this. pic.twitter.com/gOOAXagm0F
crab eating fox (cerdocyon thous)— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
• almost but not entirely unlike a fox
• crab eating, as a fox-deviant motif: rebellious
• sort of like a dog conceptually but not in practice
• could improve with a couple rounds of constructive criticism
• grade: B+ pic.twitter.com/k9AQEsvpXJ
arctic fox (vulpes lagopus)— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
• clearly a soft boy and a very fox aesthetic
• here's the thing. it's trying too hard. it's playing you
• at the end of the day: this is just a desaturated fox
• good, a classic, but frankly unoriginal
• grade: B- pic.twitter.com/JEf5X0Zvrj
by special request and appeal by @TheLabAndField a correction— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
blue morph arctic fox's:
• innovative, clearly not a mainstream fox
• i've never seen game of thrones but when i look at this fox i feel an emotion that i think is wanting to watch game of thrones
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/iSVxtJFCRv
bonus bonus round: this fox named boris— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
• will piss in your coffee
• deeply alarming to look at
• needs constant validation but hey man don't we all
• grade: A+ you're doing great sweetie
(h/t @squilax_mcg)https://t.co/PzaTNyVBoc pic.twitter.com/65FFpnyDbC
bonus round #3: pale fox (vulpes pallida) h/t @DaniRabaiotti— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
• almost 0% foxlike in any capacity
• what is this shit. some kind of long dog. some kind of dog ferret
• probably sleek enough to rob a bank undetected so that's cool
• solid unproblematic ears
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/qbJnUmRpQm
my notifications are 100% broken but by appeal from @TakimotoYama— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
bonus round #4: maned wolf (chrysocyon brachyurus)
• not a fox
• clearly wants to be a fox
• you know something. you know what. why's it so god damn tall
• i can't tell if it's photoshopped
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/1k3QHGRmGC
by request from @IreneAdlerCal and @Renkindle— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
bonus round #5: island fox (urocyon littoralis)
• here's the truth. this is perfectly fox-shaped but too much so
• always look kinda sleepy which i do respect
• i have to make the hard call
• grade: B pic.twitter.com/yf7yWqJBkl
Well, that was the best thing we've ever read. Which furry friend was your favorite? We still think we like the classic red the best.