Twitter isn't just for observing the end of the world in 280 characters or less. There's some pretty funny tweets on there, alongside the apocalyptic variety. Here are some of the best from the last week or so...
I just learned today that Cardi B's real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating— keamon 🇩🇲 (@thomaskeamon) January 10, 2018
GUYS. Just now. In gym.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) January 10, 2018
*guy approaches two women working out, with flirtatious eyebrows at the ready*
Girl 1: UH you might not want to come over here, dude. I just farted. It’s bad.
Guy: *looks horrified. leaves.*
Girl 2: omg did you really?
Girl 1: psh no.
I just realized that with the advent of self-driving vehicles, we may soon get country songs where your truck leaves you too.— Marko Kloos (@markokloos) January 9, 2018
Only a FOOL would buy IKEA furniture. Instead I just download the instructions and keep emailing their service dept to say that I am missing a piece, until they ship me all the pieces over a six month period— jason y (@jasonarewhy) January 8, 2018
My girlfriend just started crying out of nowhere and when I asked her why she said “I don’t know, it’s like a burp — it just happens”— Leo Blake Carter ☻ (@LeoBlakeCarter) January 10, 2018
So I’m just gonna get her some chicken nuggets and tell her I’m always wrong
petition to start parties at 7:30 this year so i can be in bed by 10:45— Noah Lamfers (@Noahs_Ark20) January 10, 2018
“How will I explain gay couples to my kids”— Kait ❄️ (@itzzkait) January 10, 2018
If you can explain to them that an immortal man in a red suit who lives in the North Pole travels around the world one night every year on a sleigh carried by flying reindeer I think it’ll be easy to tell them two people are in love
I finally finished a Chapstick without losing it or putting it through the wash. Time to die.— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 10, 2018
who’s fortnite and why does my boyfriend give her more attention than me— Kelly (@k3llytweets) January 11, 2018
I love turning up to meals and pretending like I don't know what I'm gonna have and that I haven't already downloaded the online PDF menu lol— Rain (@RainCrowson) January 5, 2018
Me: man there's a lot of Devilman Crybaby on my feed today— 💎 Soft Diamonds 💎 (@SaltyFaun) January 8, 2018
Coworker: he can't stop fucking tweeting, can he?
Me: ....wait what?
Coworker: ......I thought we were talking about Trump
So accurate it hurt
As if the police have just came to my house. They explained to me someone took photos of my car as they where worried as blonde hair was sticking out the back. The policeman then asked me to open my boot so I did. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED it was ma clip in weave😂— Meghan Alexandra (@megalexandrax) January 10, 2018
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) January 10, 2018
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I don't realize how bad my resting bitch face is until someone asks me why im mad it leaves me so shook like I'm over here minding my business thinking I look sweet & angelic when in reality I look like I murdered a family of 10 & a bunch of goats— sukhi (@mairanotmaria2) January 10, 2018
i have anger issues. i get irritated fast af & i can catch an attitude in 3 seconds, but i'm a sweetheart for real— 𝓫𝓪𝓫𝔂𝓰𝓲𝓻𝓵 (@cusfuI) January 10, 2018
sleepovers when ur small: omg stop laughing and go to sleep u guys!!— danny devito (@lusxt) January 11, 2018
sleepovers now: i don't think i'm capable of love
one time i posted my brother on my snapchat story and this girl said “lol i used to talk to him u ain’t special”— siyad stan acc (@earlhoodie) January 10, 2018
Sorry I stopped talking to u my anxiety convinced me that u hate me— tatianna (@mongrelitta) January 9, 2018
omg yes i want to pay $137 just to access your online homework assignments thank you so much i am truly blessed— college student (@collegeprobIem) January 10, 2018
every time I see someone I went to high school with favorite one of my tweets I just wanna ask them why they just chose not to laugh at my jokes in class..... I was always funny..,,, & for y’all to suddenly suck my dick like this,,..,.it’s disrespectful— ELLISA (@ellisuhhh) January 10, 2018
want to put a Ⓥ in my bio but I’m worried people will mistake it for “vegan” instead of “virgin”— joe (@bigjokeidiot) January 10, 2018
when someone attempts to hold a conversation with me (longer than 2 minutes) and my system begins to shutdown and go back to its default...isolation but I have to push through it because my mental health rebukes socialization but my soul and I WANT and NEED to socialize. pic.twitter.com/ZQlpLbcpSF— queen quen (@quenblackwell) January 9, 2018
boyfriends trying to converse with the taxi driver is always such a painful experience— lo (@dropdeadlois) January 6, 2018
why'd you drop outta college?— College Student (@ColIegeStudent) January 10, 2018
me: I couldn't find parking
the government is so toxic and shady like y’all have watched me have how many mental breakdowns through my phone and not once asked me if I was okay like okay fuck you jared from the fbi— 𝖂𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖎𝖆𝖒 (@faguettte) January 9, 2018
Before giving his introduction in class today, a guy said "I'm going to be honest this is probably the only time you will see me here. I graduated in May. I'm just here because my girlfriends flight was delayed and told her I'd come take notes for her." If that ain't love.— Megan Anderson (@meganderson25) January 8, 2018
damn smash mouth was right, the years start coming and they really don’t stop coming— ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ :*:･ﾟ✧ (@ghostgrI) January 9, 2018
I notice the usage of "Feminazi" has dropped off considerably now that anti-feminists have decided that the Nazis weren't all that bad actually.— Urethra Battler Miku (@GreyTheTick) January 9, 2018
Went and saw The Post tonight. I watched a film about newspapers inside a movie theater inside of a mall. It was a dying industry turducken.— Tyler Simpson (@Braintasm) January 9, 2018