The deep feelings you have for people, good or bad, are all coming out with vodka. You are a piñata, vodka is Barry Bonds with an aluminum bat, and all of your insides will be spewing everywhere at some point. You’ll leave voicemails, send texts, make calls, say things to people’s faces, post stuff to social media, and somehow, in the moment, it’ll feel like such a good idea.
You will have little control of your dark, menacing actions and the next morning when your brain tries to locate memories of the previous night, it’ll be as if the files were deleted. The page can’t load; tequila gave you that 404 Error. Basically you’ll only know what you did the night before if someone tells you.
Wine is the only alcohol that allows you to turn up and turn down simultaneously. You can have drunkenly deep, intelligent conversations, you can go to some place with a good vibe and dance, or you can legitimately call it a night and go to sleep. Wine drunk offers the soothing comfort of a memory foam pillow in liquid form.
You know how you can watch a Disney movie and, in many ways, feel like a kid again? That’s kind of what beer is – it’s comfortable, it’s familiar, but it makes shades of your younger, new-to-drinking self come out, which can be fun, but also painfully immature.
In terms of getting drunk and looking cool doing it, whiskey makes that happen. You don’t chug it, it’s not consumed messily, and Ryan Gosling levels of hip are reached when you hold a glass of whiskey. It’s that poised, self-assured drunk.
Drinking a 40 is often a sign that you are on a very tight budget and want to get drunk for about $3. This is for when you need a break from your current real-life situation and a quick, cheap way to reach that drunkenly content place.
Gin is no joke, and will leave you saying things like, “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and “I’m gonna go for it, I think I’ll land on my feet.” You feel like Super Mario after he got an invincibility star, but you’re not quite that indestructible.
All alcohol makes you care less, but rum is like the person who has genuinely run out of F-words to give. Like, I-couldn’t-care-less-there’s-no-reasoning-with-me-I’m-going-to-behave-beligerently-so-deal-with-it status.
You will be fine one second, then, very shortly after drinking, you’ll be HAMMERED. You’ll feel yourself soaring above the legal limit as you begin to move less like a sober person and more like a marionette controlled by the jerky-handed puppet master known as moonshine.
Champagne is usually reserved for special occasions, but if you’re hitting the bottle hard, it might be to cope with the event you’re attending. A wedding? I’m not married, I’m lonely, time to get hammered. The New Year? I didn’t accomplish anything in the past 365 days, bottoms up! Champagne drunk should be glamorous, but it feels more like a sad episode of a typically lighthearted sitcom
It only takes a little absinthe to be sucked into a vortex of drunkiness, and when you come out of the other side of the portal you’re in a parallel universe where you’re held hostage by your brain, and whatever things it decides it wants you to hallucinate. This is the old, creaky rollercoaster that you’re not sure you really trust of alcohol.