There are some mythical occurrences that only a few people have experienced in their lives. They're so elusive that you almost think the people that regale you with these stories are lying about them. Like the bro at your gym who totally did molly last weekend and talked a lesbian couple into a threesome at their place. Because, you know they couldn't go back to his on account that he still lives with his parents, but only because the lease on his 3-series is so high and that plus the insurance is killing him.
Another sexual "unicorn" is the elusive Mile High Club, which is just a fancy way of saying you had sex on a plane while it is up in the air - usually in the bathroom.
Although it's totally happened before, and some of the tales seem like they're straight out of a late-night Skinemax film with an $80,000 budget, not all people's attempts at getting a jet-set lay ended so well.
1. There's this huge misunderstanding.
Once I was flying from NY to Vegas to meet up with some friends and there was a guy next to me who was clearly pretty interested in chatting, so we had a very generic small talk conversation and then I started watching a movie
Mid movie I had to use the bathroom, so I asked if I could get past him, he said something and gestured what I thought meant "oh want me to move" and I just was doing my not actually listening and yeah yeah I have to get past
He walks out into the aisle so I can get out of our row, but he is between me and the nearest bathroom, so I move a step or two down the aisle so he can get back into out row of seats but instead he starts walking toward the bathroom, and I thought well fine, I guess he will go to the other one since both vacant signs are lit up
But then he walks just past the bathrooms and doesn't try and open either of them, but oh well, I have to pee. So I go in and within a few seconds someone seems to be trying to open the door, I say "just a minute" or something, it jiggles a few more times, and then I hear the guy from the seat next to me voice. Something like "let me know when you are ready" or something
Anyhow I finish up and open the door and he's standing right in front of it, and starts trying to get in, so I just squeeze past him and have to push him a bit and run back to my seat
He comes back too, and sits right back next to me, and we both sit in silence for the remainder of the flight
Tldr: while not paying attention and nodding along just wanting to get past I think I may have agreed to airplane bathroom sex with some random guy
2. This flight attendant never caught anyone, but you better hope that they clean those seats.
I’ve been a flight attendant for 3 years and I’ve never caught anyone. I did have a coworker tell me she had two people in first class (during sleep time with all the lights off) having sex in one of their seats.
3. The awkward handy-poo.
There seems to be a lack of flight attendants in this sub so I'll chime in to help my coworkers.
Couple gets on the plane in high spirits and make themselves comfortable in the last row of the plane (where out galley is), Myself and the other FA dont think much about it and go about our business. After service is done we stow the carts and I notice that there was a jacket covering the guy, and the lady was half under it. (he was in the aisle seat and she was by the window, should point out now this was not a full flight).
I'm tapping the other FA on the shoulder and whisper "Is this really happening??" The lady's hands were clearly in his pants and the guy reclined his chair all the way to enjoy what was happening.
We had thought about getting them to stop but were too uncomfortable to start a conversation and they weren't making, well, any noise, as well as we figured if the guy was gonna nut it was gonna be in his jacket. So, we went back to doing our jobs.
Guess what was stuck on the window after the flight. Spoilers, it was gum but the initial scare got us good.
4. These passengers who strangely asked permission.
I took the easy way out. I was with my girlfriend on long flight (pre 9/11). She was game, so I went up and asked the flight attendant if she would mind if we uh used the bathroom together. She said sure, just try not to be too long. And off we went.
5. This pitiful attempt.
I’m not a flight attendant but my two friends got pretty smashed before their flight. My buddy put one of [Kate’s] rings on his finger claiming they just got engaged in order to argue his way to sitting next to her.
[Kate] heads to the bathroom as soon as the seatbelt signs off and 1 minute later i see my buddy [Mike] making moves to the back.
14 rows away from the back of the plane all we heard was:
KNOCK KNOCK “Yo [Kate] let me the f--k in!”
It didn’t work out for him but it was a hell of an effort.
6. This bathroom ain't big enough for the both of us.
Not a flight attendant but I was recently on a flight where two people made it obvious that they were trying to do the nasty. The bathroom on the airplane was extremely small and unfortunately the couple was more on the bigger side. They tried to both squeeze into a bathroom not so quietly and it failed as they couldn’t get the door to even close.
7. What lies under the sweatshirt.
Just an observer, but I saw a guy getting a handy under a sweatshirt. Does that count?
8. Naked selfies on a flip phone and puke.
I’ll abbreviate the story but I was flying back from my grandma’s funeral and started a conversation with the woman next to me and she got drunk and showed me grainy naked pics of herself on her flip phone and she got wasted on red wine and tried to get me to have sex with her in the lavatory but I declined. She was puking in there as we were landing.
9. Maybe it's best to not admit to stuff like this.
My mate had a wank in the toilet before the plane took off does that count?
10. Spring braaaaeeeeaaaaaak.
I was on a flight maybe a decade ago during spring break, so lots of college students on my plane. It was a large plane with a middle row with 3 seats, I was to the left and sitting on my right was a male army bro in his early 20’s, and to his right a college aged lady. They get to talking, she is obviously flirting with him, he is talking about his army training, it’s not captivating at all, but they have chemistry. I watch a forgettable movie and disregard their conversation. About two hours in I start to hear make out sounds next to me, I’m not gonna hate they can have their fun, but it escalates. I start to hear her moaning and he quite obviously is fingering her aggressively, no shame at all. I feel a bit like the the 3rd wheel so I went to the lavatory to give them privacy. After returning to my seat, it was apparent he had done a good job and as we deplaned it was clear they were going to find to closest private space to finish the tryst.
11. The missed opportunity.
Actual flight attendant here. My girlfriend came on one of my layovers recently, and we had a very long delay to get back home. The flight that left before us was booked light, so they reaccomodated all of the remaining passengers to that flight. When we finally flew back to base, we had no passengers, so my girlfriend decided to stay on my flight and be the only passenger. Looking back I probably missed an opportunity.
12. The clueless dude telling the worst joke ever.
Flight attendant here, As a guy was walking off the plane, he looked me straight in the eye and asked “who do I talk to about joining the mile high club?” My reply “don’t be that guy. Nobody likes that guy.”
13. Geriatrics getting down.
I'm not a flight attendant, but I once walked to the back of the plane when I was like 10 to take a piss. My family and I were coming back from Disneyland to Chicago, and I was mostly just bored because of the long flight. The bathroom sign said 'vacant', so I just opened the door not expecting anyone to be in there.
I walked in on like an 80 year old couple doing something weird. Apparently they forgot to lock the door. I was so shocked and embarrassed that I didn't even know what to say. I just stood there frozen in the doorway and said nothing. The old lady slammed the door shut, and I just walked back to my seat. I was really young and didn't really understand sex yet, so this didn't click in my mind until a couple years later. They were either having some fun or helping each other go to the bathroom. I don't even really know what I saw, but it wasn't pretty.
14. This one is somehow weirder than the others.
He just sat in the bathroom, said getting a woman back there was half the battle, and that his way was "like lambs to the slaughter"
15. A little embarrassment goes a long way.
A bit late to this, but my ladyfriend is a flight attendant.
Her best story is when the offending couple came out of the bathroom, they were presented with a First Time Mile High Club Certificate signed by the whole flight crew, including the pilots. It was drawn on one of the first time certificates given to little kids, and they crossed out a few words with crayon and wrote in Mile High Club instead of First Time Flyer.
The couple were suitably embarrassed.
16. So, so gross.
Not a flight attendant but had a guy next to me join the mile high club solo an hour into a 13 hour flight. I was going to take a sleeping pill but I stayed bug eyed awake the whole f--king time. The worst part was he used the arm closest to me.
17. This 'shameless attempt.'
Former Flight Attendant here. Throughout my career, I only witnessed one attempt by passengers to join the mile high club, and I lived in perpetual fear of it happening again and having to deal with it.
A semi-drunk couple were having a huge argument with each other on the plane. They were fairly young, early 20s, possibly even college students, and apparently they hadn't learnt social decorum yet. I was keeping an eye on them, a few minutes longer and I'd have gone to tell them to keep their voices down, but that's the kind of thing I hate doing.
Anyway, the girl suddenly got up, looking like she was going to be sick, and her and the guy went into the toilet cubicle. Once in there, they loudly commenced their argument for everybody to hear. After a few minutes, it quietened down. Then came the sound of banging, and shameless loud groaning. Like, either they thought the toilet cubicle was soundproof (lifehack: airplane toilets aren't soundproof) or they just didn't care that anybody could hear them.
I eventually banged on the door to inform them that they were taking so long in the toilet that I'd have to unlock the door and come in to check if everything was all right. They came out in an awkward hurry and the guy said to me, "she's not feeling too well. Flight sickness" as if he thought I'd actually believe him.
Coming out of the toilet, they were a total mess, probably because I'd hurried them. The guy did up his zipper whilst walking back to his seat, and the girl was braless in a tank top, holding her bra clenched in her fist. She was still adjusting the straps of her top as she went back to her seat, giggling like a f--king idiot.
They were so f--king lucky they didn't get into more trouble. I know several colleagues who would have happily reported them and had them arrested upon landing. I was too uncomfortable to deal with them properly, and I didn't want to be a b---h, but if they'd acted up for longer I'd have had no choice. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my time as a flight attendant.
Honestly, it was just an absolutely shameless attempt. They barely tried to hide it. All the groaning and the banging, they were either stupid or insanely arrogant. I don't even know why anybody would want to have sex in the tiny toilet cubicle.
18. The Red Eye.
My mom's a flight attendant. She told me of a redeye flight where everyone was asleep. She was walking towards the back when she saw a woman straddling a man in first class.
She loves to yell at people
19. The pilot knows too much.
Okay, obligatory not a flight attendant but... but I am an airline pilot, so I feel that is close enough. I haven't been flying at an airline very long, but long enough to know the flight attendants so far in this thread are lying about being a flight attendant, or incredibly naive.
During my first trip as an airline pilot, we had a passenger get a little tipsy and flash the cabin. There were no children on board, so the flight attendants didn't even bother to tell us until we were waiting for the hotel van.
Same month we had a couple near the back of the plane lift the middle armrest, and do it under a blanket. They were kind enough to take the blanket with them at the end of the flight. This spawned a conversation about the worst passengers that those flight attendants had dealt with. The winner of that conversation had found a designer glasses case, left behind in a seat, that had cum in it.
NOTE: I am not saying that you will get away with it, it all depends on what the flight crew wants to do about it and how much you are disturbing the other passengers. While many FAs will turn a blind eye, do you really want to find out if you're flying with one that will not?
More from Distractify:
More From Distractify
Humor Humor Humor Humor