College is a crazy time. Like John Mulaney and Jerry Seinfeld talked about on an episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, people are oftentimes auditioning their new personalities for the first time, which tends to make things go out of hand.
For many, it's an era of newfound freedom and transitioning into adulthood, which is a ton of pressure for a young fragile mind to handle. Inevitably, people crack, especially when they're living on their own for the first time.
And the people who experience this insanity before anyone else are the dorm RA's who were put in charge of the living situations for these fine young psychopaths. In a recent AskReddit post, they dished out on the weirdest things they've ever come across in a dorm room.
1. Dorm room delivery.
A girl delivered a baby in her dorm room and claimed she didn't know she was pregnant. To make maters worse it was a Catholic all girl's school and the baby was delivered by the biology teacher who was a nun.
2. Fish market stank.
International kid went to the fish market. They bought live crabs and lobsters then proceeded to keep them in the fridge drawer alive for days. Safe to say the vegetarians and they vegans refused to use the fridge and it caused so much grief and drama.
3. Playing possum?!
I used to catch people playing possum all the time. Basically a bunch of students would climb a tree and drink until they started falling out. Last person in the tree wins.
Found a couple idiots having "lightsaber fights" once. They'd unscrewed the fluorescent tubes and we're having swordfights with them.
One time a whole floor got scabies and were running back and forth from the laundry room washing every single item of clothing and linen they had.
One resident was hiding a homeless person in the TV room. Residents were welcome to have friends on-site and they were also welcome to stay in the TV room and the rec center after lockup, they just had to pull the door closed after themselves when they left. This guy was staying in the TV room with his homeless friend until the RAs finished their rounds, locking him in the TV room, going back and sleeping in his own room and then waking up early to go back to the TV room before the RAs came around in the morning unlocking everything again.
I woke up around midnight one night because people were firing Roman candles at one of the buildings. We were having problems with some local kids who kept playing pranks on the residents and naturally I assumed it was them. So I called campus security to deal with it and they ended up rounding up my own residents. After I gave them all write-ups one of them asked me why I didn't tell them beforehand that they weren't allowed to set fireworks off on campus.
Not my hall but still pretty memorable: the RAs from one of the other residences on campus came to us with one of their problems. They kept finding human feces outside one of their buildings and assumed it was one of our residents playing pranks on them (completely reasonable, we had a weird group that year). I told him that I would keep an ear out. When it kept happening one of their RAs had a stake out and saw the feces being dropped out of one of the windows. Turns out this resident was setting toilet paper down on his bedroom floor, [crapping] on it and dropping it out the window because he didn't want to use the halls bathrooms.
On the final night in the halls I found a room of people each pouring a beer directly into the carpet for their friends who had left uni before the semester finished.
Best two years of my life.
4. Bee hive.
Last year my school decided to set up a bee hive research set-up on a recently closed porch to one of the dining halls. This set-up wasn’t protected at all from stupid students. One night, a few smart people decided to go up to the bee hives, take one, and throw it into a nearby dorm’s elevator. They then proceeded to press every button so that the elevator would stop on every floor in the building. Whole damn building had to be evacuated. Said people were expelled.
5. Pet pig.
RA a looooong time ago. Group of freshman in a 4 man suite got permission for a pet somehow from the housing office.
They didn’t specify it was a PIG. The smell was unbelievable.
That lasted a couple of weeks until the dean of students finally gave me and the housing office the power to threaten expulsion.
6. Fake death.
One of my floor mates got kicked out of the dorms before Halloween, so we shotgunned beers and poured some out for him and paraded him out of the dorm. Then we had a candlelight vigil for him in the hallway and put up what was essentially a shrine to him hahahaha. Anyone who came to our floor asked us if he died.
7. Whole new meaning to Turkey day.
My roommate freshman year wanted to be "that room" as well. He came home with a turkey one day. We named it Bernard and he smelled terrible.
8. Oh Deer.
Best one I heard was from a 6th year student who was an RA at the same time as me. During his freshman year one of the guys on his floor got a deer. Live in a very rural area and had a gun club so it was reasonable for them to bring rifles to school but lock them up with security for club usage and to get an early start straight from school for hunting. It was however expected that if they got anything they would bring it home....
This guy got out of class early on Friday and lucked into a deer shortly after hitting the woods for some recon. He shot it and brought it back to his dorm (ran into someone... who instead of stopping him, helped) where he put some tarps under it, opened some windows (with the heat down), and hung it to drain in some buckets. These were not the dorms from the movies, just literally a bedroom sized room for up to two people. He then left for the weekend to see his girlfriend. On Sunday he returned with a Foreman grill.
The RA came back from his own weekend away to a small party of people (including my future fellow-RA) carrying plates of venison and cans of beer. They literally were cutting steaks off the deer and tossing it on the grill to cook up. The RA walked into the room, was handed a plate, and headed to his room. Shortly after, he came back and wrote them all up.
Normally I’d chalk it up to a school legend... except the Resident Director we both reported to ALSO told us about it. The hunter and the RA who wrote him up had graduated but our RD was hired the next year and was told to add rules about animal carcasses in the dorms and a ban on Foreman grills.
9. Bed pooper.
So the dorm was a big tower. It sixteen rooms per floor, with four on each side. There was a community bathroom for each floor next to the stairwell and the elevator in the center of the tower. Anyway, despite the simple layout, one of the new students couldn't find the bathroom. His solution? Poop in his own bed and cover it with sheets, and sleep elsewhere. He was discovered about five days after the poop because the smell became unbearable for not only his roommate, but the entire floor. Sometimes I wonder where he is now.
10. So many pregnancies.
During freshman orientation, at a Catholic university as well, a girl gave birth right in the middle of the 2nd floor dorm lobby. She said she didn’t know she was pregnant.
11. The blanket conundrum.
On my floor (my sophomore year) we had freshmen move in.
This one guy put blankets all over his floor. No big deal I see them do this a lot, the carpet is really ugly and it actually help a lot with cleaning. You roll up the blanket and shake it off outside and wash it. Anyway what this kid did was ridiculous. He had no roommate but he had people over all the time. And whenever he would have people over they made a mess. Instead of cleaning the blankets he just stacked more blankets on top of the old dirty ones. This god so bad and he was so lazy that if he spilled something, or had trash like pizza boxes he didn't want to take out, he put another blanket over everything. This obviously started to smell HORRIBLE so he took air spray and sprayed the crap out of his floor/blanket mattress/room sized couch. So since there was stuff in between the layers of blankets the room was all lumpy and wavy and it started to rise slowly over the year as he piled more blankets.
Christmas Break came. I told the RA about this and he went in to check. The blankets from only one semester had already brought the "floor" to about 6 inches off the ground. You had to STEP UP to get into his room. Something had to be done and he was told to get rid of it or there would be a consequence. I left the building and moved to a closer dorm to the music building for the next semester so I forgot about it.
Come May. I went over to that dorm to pick up a friend to take him back home after graduation. Peeps be moving out of the dorms. I went up to the 2nd floor and there is the grounds team. Using pipe saws and box cutters to cut the dudes now 1foot thick "floor" of blankets into squares to get it out of his room. It was grown through with mould, (of all colors), trash, smelly stuff, and lots of liquid. It was amazing.
12. The pee pee test.
Oh god. You just reminded of a resident my ex had to deal with (I was an RA dating an RA lmao) and she did NOT want a roommate. She chose to live in a dorm that required roommates, you could pay more to live alone at a different dorm but I guess she just didn’t want to do that.
So what does she do? She pees in her bed until her roommate gets so fed up they move to another room. And when someone comes to check the room? She switches the mattresses so hers is clean and it looks like whoever left, left the pee soaked mattress. It was a nightmare for the RAs of that building to deal with because our Residence Life higher ups were like “we don’t care, you have to check the room, it’s a safety requirement” but you literally couldn’t walk in there without your eyes watering and gagging within seconds.
13. The peephole thief.
After Thanksgiving break, all of the peep holes had been stolen from every door on the 2nd floor. Apparently they just twisted right out and somebody needed a collection??
14. A familiar face.
Very first night on call by myself. Watching the news in my dorm room. See my resident’s mugshot. The housing staff were unclear on the procedure of what to do when a resident is arrested for murder.
15. The case of the missing mattress.
I was once notified by one of my residents that her mattress had been "misplaced" and she wanted to know if she would be charged for it or if she was good. I told her she would most certainly be charged for it and then, mysteriously, the mattress reappeared the week before summer closing. I heard through the paper-thin door of her room later that it had been at a frat house for awhile and I dread the thought of what happened to it.
16. Beard vengeance.
RA and Campus EMS here. I have had many encounters with drunk/high/etc. freshmen, but I have a couple I will never forget.
One of them was during my first year as an RA living on the fourth floor of my building. I woke up to knocking on my door at around 3am coupled with the screaming of “There’s people having sex in my bed.” Alright I guess I better not ignore this one. So I head out and see this freshman who reeks of alcohol and stumble towards his room. Plot twist he doesn’t live there and the two students half-clothed open the door.
I send him off and go back to bed to be woken up again 15 minutes later by more knocking. Guess who is back? In one hand he has a water bottle and in the other he has a trimmer in the other hand. Now I’m 6’ 4”and he’s pretty tiny so it did not end well when he tried to shave my beard. Ended up tossing him back in his room onto his bed and finally got to go to bed.
17. Ghost pepper.
One night, a couple of my residents bought ghost peppers to try and see who could handle the heat. Well one kid who was Thai said "my food is way spicier than this," eats one whole, and starts another when the heat sets in, we had ranch, and tortillas ready for people to eat to cool down. After everyone was done eating (me included) we are just hanging out in the lounge, the kid who had been cutting up the peppers went to bed before us and his room is right next to the lounge, about five minutes after he went to bed we hear him screaming, apparently he didn't wash his hands and had started mastutbating. He was in a lot of pain, so we threw him a bottle of ranch and left the room so he could apply it to his area. Then the rest of us washed our hands very thoroughly.
18. Bong rips.
Kid got kicked out of his fraternity and had to move into campus housing. A few weeks later he stunk up the whole hall because he was smoking a bong in his room. I wasn't a hard&#*, so I usually just told them how obvious it was, and to do it somewhere else so they don't get caught by someone who cared more than me. Well, when I went in, I found easily >$100k worth of prescription drugs, weed, cocaine, and alcohol. Dude was obviously running an operation out of his dorm. So we had to call the cops and now I have the title for biggest drug bust in University history.
19. Hunting deer.
I went to a small liberal arts school in the middle of nowhere Tennessee in mountains and forest. You could store your hunting rifle or bow at the police station, and, during certain times of the year, hunt on the larger 13000 acre campus. One of the infamous boys’ dorms layout was two doubles connected by a bathroom. I wasn’t the RA for this dorm, but I heard about it in one of the larger meetings. Apparently, the head RA received a complaint because one guy’s suitemate had shot and killed a deer and hung it in the shower so he could skin and butcher it. Blood was everywhere.
20. Too much. Just too much.
My first year, my buddy came back drunk and was making his way back to his room after a frat party. He was so wasted he thought the radiator was the bathroom and sat down on top of it and pissed on it. He took his pants off before he sat down.
My 2nd year as a RA there was a set of guido Jersey Shore type douchebags who got drunk one night and ripped the sink out of the boys communal bathroom. Like completely off the wall. Drunk strength amazes me.
Had another person unscrew the shower drains in the same bathroom and [crap] in the hole, but the. Screwed the drain cover back on (there were 3 men’s bathrooms in the whole dorm, I do not know why this one was so popular for destruction)
One time there was this girl who was hooking up with one of the residents in the hall but she was VERY loud, so all of his hall mates crowded around the door awaiting her to leave. When she opened the door they all proceeded to give roaring applause and follow her out of the dorm. Some guys even put trash cans in the middle of the hallways so she’d have to climb over them.
My senior year, I had to help find and wrangle an escaped and illegal tarantula back into its cage. It still haunts me (I HATE spiders).