Brad Kearns is a dad blogger and husband to Sarah Kearns, a fellow blogger and newly-inspired plant lady. Sarah has been bringing home increasingly large and expensive plants for them to look after, and most recently, she arrived in their driveway with two "Jurassic-sized" plants meant for their bedroom.
Early on, there were these birds of paradise, which Sarah put her seat all the way back to safely transport home without snapping a leaf. On Instagram, Brad wrote, "As we drove off I looked over to give her one last disgusted husband look and without moving her neck and a giant stem in her face she said, "No regrets... Drive motherf--ker."
So basically, Sarah's my new hero. But things may have gotten a little out of hand lately, and she recently brought home, well, two of the biggest house plants I've ever seen in my life. And that was the last straw. Brad totally lost it.
"Does anyone else's wife have an issue with getting plants that are a REASONABLE F--KING SIZE for the house???" he writes. "I should have known when she asked me to 'help lift the plants up the stairs.' I opened the front door to not one but two f--king Jurassic-sized trees.
"She said they were for our bedroom... So yep, while y'all sleep peacefully in your warm beds tonight apparently these plants are the only reason I can even 'breathe fresh air' in my house. It's getting ridiculous. That's a king-sized bed and I'm not even that small. Not a f--king plant lady... probably has birds in it. I swear to f--k one of those leaves tickles my face and I'll burn it. F--k my life."
But the best part about this by far is that as soon as Brad posted about his wife's giant bedroom trees, people started warning them that having those trees in their bedroom might not be the best idea. So after less than a day, Sarah insisted the plants be moved out of the bedroom, and, indeed, out of the house.
"I would like to point out a systemic failure in my wife's ability to make sound choices," Brad wrote on Facebook. "This was 24 hours after she decided to move the Jurassic plants into my bedroom. I posted about it online and people talked about spiders coming out of them in our sleep and at 11:00 p.m. she decided she couldn't sleep and 'we' needed to move them outside and call the pest man due to the newfound safety risk to 'us.'
"She makes choices like a gambler with a pocket full of mortgage payments. I legitimately thought she was joking. Coz you know... There's spiders outside that would go into them and make it their home. Well, ladies and gentlemen. It was a hard-fought argument on my end. And on that note I present to you, my f--king balconforest."
In an update on Instagram, Brad explains that after all that, after going viral internationally for the Jurassic plants, Sarah has decided to return them. Instead, she wants to put pendant lights next to the bed.
"She is not your queen, your soulmate, or your spirit animal," Brad joked on Instagram. "She is f--king single, that's what she is."