Obituaries are supposed to be sombre farewells. But everyone now and then, an obituary on the page of some obscure local funeral home goes viral. Last year, an obituary written by a woman's children which described her as a terrible person was seen by millions around the world.
A recent obituary for an Iowa man has gone similarly viral for holding no punches at all. And why would it? He didn't hold any himself.
The obituary starts by stating that Tim Schrandt, 63, died in March after a short battle with cancer. And then it begins...
"Tim Schrandt (Lynyrd) made his last inappropriate comment on March 29, 2019. If you are wondering if you may have ever met him, you didn't -because you WOULD remember. For those of you that did meet him, we apologize, as we're sure he probably offended you. He was world renowned for not holding back and telling it like it is."
It then goes on to apologize to everyone that Tim offended in his lifetime.
"Tim was born to William (Bill) Schrandt and Mary (Schrandt) Manning on June 11, 1955 - 100 years too late. Given Tim's demeanor he would have been the perfect weathered cowboy in the old west or rough and tough pioneer, or maybe he just should have been Amish."
"Tim was the 4th of 8 kids, the bottom rung of the top tier (the big kids). Instead of taking his place on that rung, listening to the older kids and doing as he was told by his older siblings, he decided to anoint himself "king" of the 4 little kids."
"Tim spent his childhood and early adulthood ordering them around and in general, tormenting them. He was a great orator, (not like Shakespear, but more like Yogi Berra), as he always had something to say,
and always had to get in the last word."
Apparently, Tim named himself King of his younger siblings.
"His position as "king" and orator was challenged by the nuns at St. Wenceslaus school in Spillville. He may have met his match. We’re not saying the nuns won, but they put up a good fight, we mean literally - he got into a fist-a-cuff with a nun. In fairness, she probably started it. You didn't take a swing at Tim and not expect one back."
"Tim's fondness for authority (his own - not others) followed him to South Winneshiek High School in Calmar and later into the Army. This provided for many interesting episodes and stories, detentions and demotions, and a few 'run ins' with the law, not just locally, but globally."
It then describes how he spoke of his coworkers.
"Tim worked at Camcar/Stanley Black and Decker in Decorah as a tool and die maker for 30 plus years. Tim worked with many friends and 'a bunch of morons.' His words, not ours. Well not exactly his, words because that would have included a bunch of swear words."
The writer then roasts the "hell of a lof of stuff" Tim left behind.
"Tim leaves behind a hell of a lot of stuff that his family doesn't know what to do with. So, if you are looking for a Virgin Mary in a bathtub shrine (you Catholics know what we’re talking about) you should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch with them."
"Tomorrow would be fine."
Somehow, Tim managed to find a better-half through all of this.
"To his siblings amazement he was actually able to snag a good woman, Cheryl Murray, and hold on to her for the past 13 years, and as far as we know restraints were not used. Tim also created great memories and stories for Cheryl’s kids Alex (Christina) Murray and Samantha (Evan) Luedking and grandkids Tatum and Grace."
At least his already deceased relatives will be getting some beer.
"He will be having a reunion with his infant daughter Ashley, his brother Duke, his dad Bill Schrandt, many aunts and uncles and a handful of cousins that passed before him. Tim was in charge of getting the beer and ice for our family reunions, so they will be happy to see him."
Tim's fashion sense isn't safe either.
"A common line in obituaries is 'He never met a stranger,' in Tim’s case he never met a rule he couldn’t break, a boundary he couldn’t push, a line he couldn’t cross and a story he couldn’t stretch. Another common obituary phrase is “He’d give the shirt off his back”, well Tim was prepared to do that, and he could do it quickly, because he always wore his shirts unbuttoned ¾ the way down. Tim was anything but common!"
"Despite his crusty exterior, cutting remarks and stubbornness, there is actual evidence that he was a loving, giving and caring person. That evidence is the deep sorrow and pain in our hearts that his family feels from his passing."
Heaven is going to need some help with this one.
"Tim led a good life and had a peaceful death - but the transition was a b***h. And for the record, he did not lose his battle with cancer. When he died, the cancer died, so technically it was a tie! He was ready to meet his Maker, we're just not sure "The Maker" is ready to meet Tim."
"Good luck God!"
"We are considering establishing a Go-Fund-Me account for G. Heileman Brewing Co., the brewers of Old Style beer, as we anticipate they are about to experience significant hardship as a result of the loss of Tim"s business. Keep them in your thoughts."
Pour one out for Tim Schrandt when you get a chance.