Comedian Kevin Hart has a few issues with where his kids go to school, as he describes in his new Netflix comedy special, Zero F—ks Given. “Yes, my kids attend private school,” he says in the hour-long stand-up routine. “Doesn’t mean I’m a fan of it.”
For starters, private schools “breed b---hes,” observes Kevin, who has two daughters, 15-year-old Heaven and a newborn girl, and two sons, 13-year-old Hendrix and 2-year-old Kenzo.
“You ever seen a grown man get punched in the face that went to private school? He immediately looks for a teacher. … Looking for someone to tell him why. ‘I don’t know! Why? What? We gotta have an arbitration. When’s the meeting?’”
Kevin Hart says the school nags him about his son’s performance.
“My son, he’s what you call … dumb. Struggling academically,” the Die Hart actor says in the special. “I know you guys are like, ‘Don’t call your kid dumb.’ Why not? He’s mine! Chip off the old f--king block. It’s not like I’m standing up here as a smart-ass man. I was dumb as s--t, too. Worked out for f--king me. So far, dumb is the right way to go in my household!”
Kevin says he’s irritated by the number of times the school calls him to report on his son’s performance. “Mr. Hart, he failed another test. Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping. Want to discuss your kid’s grades? They continue to drop,” Kevin says. “I snapped on ‘em. Don’t f--king call me no more. Don’t call me about his grades no more. Call him. Call him.”
He goes on: “That’s his problem. That’s not my f--king problem. Last I checked, I went to school, I passed, I’m successful. I’m not going to school again. He needs to f--king pass that class, not me. Call him.”
Kevin Hart says the school wanted him to be a greeter.
“I don’t feel like my kids’ private school respects my level of celebrity,” Kevin says in the special. “I’m a very humble guy. May not seem like it after that sentence, but I am. I’m a very humble guy. What’s understood doesn’t need to be said. You know who I am, and I know you know who the f--k I am. They put me in a position to have to say who I am.”
The Central Intelligence star then recounts a time when a teacher asked him to be a greeter at the school’s fair. “I gave her a lot of time for her to say, ‘I’m bulls--ting.’ She never said it,” he adds. “You don’t come to me and ask me to be a f--king greeter. I had the #1 movie at the box office at the time. I was on the side of f--king buses. You don’t ask me to be the greeter.”
Kevin says the school could have chosen other celebrities to be greeters at the event. “There are other parents that got kids who go there that are former actors and actresses that you could have f--king asked,” he says. “Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Alfonso [Ribeiro]? That’s your greeter! … Terry Crews, he got kids that go there. That’s your greeter, pec-popping at the front!”
Kevin Hart: Zero F—ks Given is currently streaming on Netflix.