If penguins have taught us anything, it's that the fallout from infidelity can get pretty ugly. While not every love triangle ends in bloody flippers (please watch the National Geographic penguin home-wrecker video if you're still confused) spurned spouses can still do plenty of damage.
One father and husband is making waves for his unique response to discovering that his marriage had been joined by a third party: a Craigslist post to "the guy doing [his] wife."
No, he does not request that mystery gentleman stop sleeping with his wife. Rather, he has some requests about household decorum.
The post appeared in the Reading, PA missed connections section of Craigslist, and it's certainly one for the history books.
The post, shockingly, has been flagged for removal, so we may not be able to see the beautiful prose in its original form any longer. However, the poster's words will live on in our hearts.
"To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife"
The first few requests seem relatively reasonable, TBH — just common courtesy things.
"1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old."
"2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you."
"3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up."
"4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?"
It's the least he can do, right?
After the pleasantries are over, things get kind of vulgar. And depressing.
"5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks)."
"6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged."
"7. Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts."
Then, the requests spill over into the territory of very thinly-veiled misogyny. We get the bitterness, but it's just not cool.
"8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in."
"9. Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share."
There was some whining about a recliner (man problems).
"10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left."
In conclusion, the spurned husband offered his (bitter) thanks and a vodka peace offering.
"Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed."
"P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer."
"Thanks This was not written by anyone named Jack S."
Sure, it could be fake but these seem like very specific requests (that took a lot of time to write out) to do simply for fun. Underlying bitterness seems much more likely.
So, which method of dealing with a crumbling marriage to we like better? Penguin fight night or Craiglist ad?