diehardthumb
Source: Getty Images

Jake Tapper Just Destroyed Anyone Who Says That 'Die Hard' Is Not A Christmas Movie

By

Oct. 31 2018, Updated 11:57 a.m. ET

Every year the topic of whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie comes up, and people are typically split into one of two camps: those who believe Die Hard is a Christmas movie and those who are wrong.

Article continues below advertisement

CNN Anchor Jake Tapper was hunting down facts to put an end to this argument once and for all. So he tweeted Die Hard screenwriter Steven E. de Souza for his take:

Article continues below advertisement

The fans knew it, too.

Article continues below advertisement

As if that wasn't enough, Tapper took it upon himself to immortalize the legend of McClane in one of the best Christmas poems of all time.

'Twas the night before Christmas 
At  Nakatomi Tower
When our story of homecoming 
Begins with brute power.
At Los Angeles airport, meet our savior, McClaine;
With toys for his kids, he disembarks from his plane. 
To not see that this tale's about Christmas is folly; 
Did I mention that Mrs. McClane's name is Holly?
"How 'bout some Christmas music?" McClane asks of Argyle. 
"That *is* Christmas music," the driver says with a smile. 
To reunite with Holly, his aim is shared with shy laughter; 
T'would be a holiday miracle to last ever after. 
"You throw quite party," says John to Tagaki-San. 
"I didn't know they Christmas in Japan."
John is weary from travel; Holly offers a bed. 
While down in the lobby, the guard's shot in the head.
In Theo! In Kyle! In Tony, Ed, Fritz! 
Into the party the armed thugs run a blitz.
(Argyle still waits; this is long before Uber.) 
While havoc is wreaked by the evil Hans Gruber.
John McClane, he escapes. Saves the day - he's just gotta; 
Without shoes he tracks blood as if bearing wounds of stigmata; 
One thug tries to kill him but that German's too slow; Now John McClane has a machine gun. HO-HO-HO. 
Sgt. Al Powell is told of disturbance; 
In response the fake guard feigns a bit of perturbance. 
Does he hear anything? The answer is no. 
Except for the song, "LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW."
"Merry Christmas," says Powell, not realizing the peril; 
Driving off while he sings a beloved Christmas carol. 
A corpse falls from above with a clear rationale; 
McClane says to the cop, "Welcome to the party, pal."
Gruber talks to McClane, or rather he sneers, 
Survival would be a miracle, he plays on his fears. 
The policeman is bloodied and in dire need of succor. 
"Yipee-ki-yea," McClane says, "mother-f--cker."
A woman hostage with child in of its glory
Is also a part of our Christmas Eve story
With Johnny McC traveling great distance 
With hope and with love of fighting evil resistance. 
Theo, a wise man, who's also quite naughty
Is stealing the money in spirit quite haughty
Ellis, the Judas, attempts an amenity
By disclosing the cowboy's secret identity. 
McClane gets a bad feeling and asks Sgt. Powell 
To relay to his wife a redemptive avowal. 
"When things panned out for her, I should've been behind her all the way,"
He says this thinking he'll never see the light of day. 
"I got it," says the sergeant," but you can tell her yourself."
In a scene that's as seasonal as a reindeer or elf. 
"I hope so, but that's up to the guy upstairs," says McClane
Who's traveled far for peace but encountered only pain. 
If Christmas is love, rebirth, and a savior
McClane was all of the above in his 'Die Hard' behavior. 
God was truly with him, the success was empirical 
At Nakatomi they experienced a miracle.
That Die Hard is a Christmas film seems to me just a fact 
I declare this without any tact 
But whether you agree or your disapproval won't cease 
I wish you a season of love and of peace.
Article continues below advertisement
Article continues below advertisement
Article continues below advertisement

This is really happening.

Article continues below advertisement
Article continues below advertisement
Article continues below advertisement
Article continues below advertisement
Article continues below advertisement

And there you have it. The best Christmas poem about the greatest modern Christmas story, told in the best way possible.

Advertisement
More from Distractify

More From Distractify

    • CONNECT with Distractify
    • Link to Facebook
    • Link to Twitter
    • Link to Instagram
    • Link to Email Subscribe
    Distractify Logo
    Do Not Sell My Personal Information

    © Copyright 2021 Distractify. Distractify is a registered trademark. All Rights Reserved. People may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. Offers may be subject to change without notice.