
Dad Shares Conversations With His 4 Daughters And They Are Hilarious
By Mark PygasOct. 31 2018, Updated 3:14 p.m. ET
Kids are known for being unintentionally hilarious at times. Whether it's because they don't have a complete grasp on language yet, or just because they don't fully understand the world. There is a reason there was a show called Kids Say the Darndest Things — because they say exactly what is on their mind without a filter, which is often times refreshing to hear. Like these kids who did not hold back on answering their homework assignments with such brutal honesty their teachers couldn't help but laugh.
But in the case of James Breakwell, a comedy writer and father of three girls, it's probably because his kids have inherited the comedian gene. Breakwell, aka @XplodingUnicorn, shares the hilarious conversations he has with his daughters on Twitter every day, and they're pure gold.
1. Dragons > math.
Me: What did you do at school today?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
2.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
Me: What's wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*
3. It's worth it, though.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
7-year-old: Love hurts.
4.
Me: What are you doing?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
5. Burn.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
6.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
Me: She doesn't have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She'll make a great mother.
7. They smell.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
8.
7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2017
Me: Why?
7: I like being smart.
9. Ouch.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.
10.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
11. Do you want hyper inflation? Because that's how you get hyper inflation.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
12. It's serious.
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
13. That's how you get cooties.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
14.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
15. Vegetables are the worst.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
16.
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
17. It definitely wasn't me.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
18.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
19. Nightmare material.
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I'm never sleeping again.
20.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
21. Not gonna happen.
3-year-old: Today you can drive.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2018
Me: Well, thank you.
3: And tomorrow I can.
No deal.
22.
5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2018
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
23. Preach, girl.
5-year-old: I'm writing a book.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
Me: What's it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
24.
7-year-old: What did you do at work?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2018
Me: Work.
7: Eww.
Exactly.
25.
3-year-old: You're strong.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2018
Me: Yeah.
3: Really strong.
Me: Definitely.
3: Almost as strong as Mom.
26. She really likes cupcakes.
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2018
Me: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.
5: I know. They're an all-day food.
27.
Me: It snowed last night.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
28. We can relate.
Me: You're still in your pajamas.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2018
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.
29.
[spring break]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?
30. Do we have to do this every morning?!
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2018
5-year-old: Not again.
31.
5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
32.
Me: Why are you being mean?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.
33. Call 911.
2-year-old: *screeches*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2018
Me: What's the emergency?
2: I need cheese.
That is an emergency.
34.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
5-year-old: Missed me.
35. It's not a very good one.
Me: Have fun at school.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2018
7-year-old: Is that a joke?
36.
5-year-old: There's snow on the ground.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
Me: Yeah.
5: But it’s spring break.
Me: The weather doesn't care about your schedule.
5: It should.
37.
5-year-old: She bit my butt!
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
3-year-old: It was an accident.
Me: How do you accidentally bite someone's butt?
3: I was going for her leg.
38.
My 2-year-old said she has poopy shoes.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
I gave her a whole pep talk on how her shoes aren’t poopy, they’re awesome.
Turns out she was saying purple.
39.
[bedtime]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
3-year-old: *hands me a huge book*
Me: Want me to read some?
3: I want you to read it all?
40. Here's an insight into Easter from a very wise 7-year-old.
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2018
Me: It's Easter.
7: Jesus just wore robes.
41.
Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2018
7-year-old: There's no school.
42. Trust me, teach.
7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
Me: What should she do?
7: Trust me.
43. It'll be our secret.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.
44.
Me: Hurry.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2018
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.
45. She's just thinking of you.
7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
Me: Why?
7: Then you won't eat it.
She's my new diet plan.
46.
5-year-old: Princess crowns are always pointy.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2018
Me: Why?
5: To stab monsters.
47.
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2018
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.
48. That's day one information.
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2018
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
49.
My 2-year-old saw snowflakes falling today and yelled, "It's not Christmas!"
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2018
You tell 'em, kid.
50. Winner winner chicken dinner.
7-year-old: I'm 7.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2018
5-year-old: I'm 5.
3-year-old: I'm eating.
She wins.