dad jokes for kids
Source: istock/distractify

60+ Dad Jokes You Can Use to Incessantly Pester Your Kids

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Feb. 22 2019, Updated 12:44 p.m. ET

One of the perks of being a dad is being gifted — from the second your first child is born — with a penchant for telling absolutely god-awful jokes.

If you hated puns before, you'll love them now. Even if you're part of that small population of fathers that still manages to have a disdain for wordplay, you'll love "making fun" of dad jokes. Then, after telling them for a while, the dad joke-ness will take over you and your transition into an official dad joke-teller will be complete.

And although the ability to tell awful jokes will be sure to make your children roll their eyes for years to come, even the most skilled dad jokesters need a little inspiration from time to time. Keep these 50 in your back pocket whenever you have an opportunity to annoy your kids.

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1. You like parrots?

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot.
A: A carrot!

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2. Dogs that moonlight as magicians.

Q: What do you call a magic dog?
A: A Labracadabrador. 

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3. The theater.

an empty stage of the theater lit by spotlights and smoke picture id
Source: istock

Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
A: He was just going through a stage. 

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4. Good old neutral Switzerland.

zermatt village with view of matterhorn in the swiss alps picture id
Source: istock

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. 

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5. Dinosaurs with a penchant for cars.

dinocar
Source: istock

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?
A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. 

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6. A pepper who can't keep to themselves.

colorful jalapenos peppers on white background picture id
Source: istock

Q: What do you call a nosy pepper?
A: Jalapeño business! 

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7. Ewww, sand, go take a shower.

wave on the sand beach background picture id
Source: istock

Q: Why was the sand wet?
A: Because the sea weed. 

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8. This shark is so awesome.

streetsharks
Source: dic entertainment

Q: What do sharks say when something cool happens?
A: Jawesome! 

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9. Mummies love rocking out, you didn't know that?

karloff
Source: denny v campen

Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?
A: Wrap music. 

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10. The numbers, they're a multiplyin'!

doors in dublin green white and orange irish flag colors ireland picture id
Source: istock

Q: Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
A: It’s Dublin. 

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11. The expecting insect.

Q: Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
A: She’s going to have her baby in the spring. 

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12. Not a dog pile, but a cat pile.

playing cat children picture id
Source: istock

Q: What do you call a pile of cats?
A: A meow-tain. 

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13. Flowers are very good at arithmetic.

background autumn with sunflowers closeup background of sunflowers picture id
Source: istock

Q: How many lips does a flower have?
A: Tu-lips. 

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14. OK, elves and gnomes are technically different species, but...

closeup of garden gnome holding pickax and watering can picture id
Source: istock

Q: What do elves do after school?
A: Their gnome work. 

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15. A little communion joke for ya'll.

silver holy water bucket picture id
Source: istock

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it. 

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16. This is an essential dad joke setup and punchline format.

womans hand writing on a notebook with a pen on a wooden desk picture id
Source: istock

Q: Which hand is better to write with?
A: Neither, it’s better to write with a pen. 

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17. Good for taking control of your own happiness, Humpty.

humpty dumpty was pushed picture id
Source: istock

Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for his miserable summer. 

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18. This tomato's so coy.

d tomato hides his face picture id
Source: istock

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing. 

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19. Cheese property rights are very important.

Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?
A: Nacho cheese. 

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20. An appliance and beach joke all rolled into one.

Q: What washes up on really small beaches?
A: Micro-waves. 

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21. Literal jokes are essential dad joke fare.

giantpumpkin
Source: getty

Q: How do you talk to giants?
A: Use big words! 

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22. Especially when their mama or dada are all the way up on the moon.

astronaut
Source: getty

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket! 

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23. Technically fans just circulate the same air, but still.

electricfan
Source: getty

Q: Why is a baseball stadium always cold?
A: Because it’s full of fans! 

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24. I always imagined Batman as more of a rugby guy.

batmanplayingbaseball
Source: dc comics

Q: Which superhero hits the most home runs?
A: Batman 

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25. Bet you didn't see this one coming.

pictureframes
Source: getty

Q: Why was the picture sent to jail?
A: It was framed. 

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26. This is a ruff one.

dancingdog
Source: getty

Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: They have two left feet.

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27. A little science joke for ya'll.

atoms
Source: getty

Q: Why can’t you trust atoms?
A: They make up everything. 

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28. Awww the ocean is so nice.

waves
Source: getty

Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves. 

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29. A little moon joke for you.

moon
Source: getty

Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

A: Great food, no atmosphere. 

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30. A high carbohydrate joke.

pasta
Source: getty

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? 

A: An impasta.

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31. Apples to apples.

apples
Source: getty

Q: How many apples grow on a tree?

A: All of them.

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32. Rock and scissors should get on this one.

papers
Source: getty

Q: Want to hear a joke about paper?

A: Nevermind, it's tearable.

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33. Wood you like to hear a joke about beavers?

beavers
Source: getty

Q: I just watched a program about beavers.

A: It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

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34. A little joke to go with your morning coffee.

rourkemug
Source: getty

Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?

A: It got mugged.

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35. Waddle waddle waddle waddle flap flap flap.

penguins
Source: getty

Q: How does a penguin build its house?

A: Igloos it together.

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36. Dads, keep this one in your back pocket.

haircut
Source: getty

Q: Dad, did you get a haircut?

A: No, I got them all cut.

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37. Looks like he'll have to get another Juan.

lostcar
Source: getty

Q: What do you call a Mexican guy who lost his car?

A: Carlos.

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38. Another one for dad to keep on the back-burner.

smallshoes
Source: getty

Q: Dad, can you put my shoes on?

A: No, I don't think they'll fit me.

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39. A little farm humor for you.

scarecrow
Source: warner bros.

Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?

A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

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40. Guaranteed to get an eye-roll.

obamaphone
Source: getty

Q: I'll call you later.

A: Don't call me later, call me dad.

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41. Elephants never forget a terrible joke.

elephant
Source: getty

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

A: Irrelephant.

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42. Any contractor dads in the house?

contractor
Source: getty

Q: Want to hear a joke about construction?

A: Actually, I'm still working on it.

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43. The Tour de France of corny jokes.

cyclist
Source: getty

Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? 

A: It was two tired.

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44. What a grape joke.

grapes
Source: getty

Q: What did the grape do when he got stepped on?

A: He let out a little wine.

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45. A little bar humor.

barhumor
Source: getty

Q: People don't like having to bend over to get their drinks.

A: We really need to raise the bar.

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46. Kickin' it with awful jokes.

soccerball
Source: getty

Q: I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

A: I'm just doing it for kicks.

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47. Gymnasts will just love you if you use this one.

gymnast
Source: getty

Q: Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?

A: I was head over heels.

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48. You'll be a real heel if you tell this joke.

shoerepair
Source: getty

Q: I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

A: It was sole destroying.

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49. This joke is Huffman Koos approved.

nightstand
Source: getty

Q: A furniture store keeps calling me.

A: All I wanted was one nightstand.

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50. This is a wholesome one.

nappingchild
Source: getty

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

A: It's fine, he woke up.

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51. Save this one for Halloween.

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?

A: Because they have no body to go with.

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52. One of these days, it'll just be you and mom again.

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

A: Bison.

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53. Can't get enough prehistoric punchlines?

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

A: Because the pee is silent.

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54. If only Pinocchio had thought of this...

dad jokes for kids
Source: istock

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

A: Because then it would be a foot.

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55. Got you for a second there.

dad jokes for kids
Source: istock

Q: Can February March?

A: No, but April May.

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56. Oh, the poor bees.

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: Why does bees hum?

A: Because they don't know the words.

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57. Make sure there's a lifeguard present.

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: Is this pool safe for diving?

A: It deep ends.

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58. Here's how you'll get them to learn their prayers.

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: Where do you learn to make ice cream?

A: Sunday school.

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59. This one's a meta dad joke.

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

A: He won the 'No-Bell' prize.

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60. Terrible, but we would have loved to be there.

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

A: There was nothing left but de Brie.

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61. Depends what you want to be when you grow up...

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

A: Because it was soda-pressing.

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62. Kids these days....

dad jokes for kids
Source: istock

Q: Have you heard of the band 1023MB?

A: They haven't got a gig yet.

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63. Get him some lozenges, please.

dad jokes for kids
Source: iStock

Q: What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A: A little horse.

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64. A+'s in science, all around.

dad jokes for kids
Source: istock

Q: What did the officer molecule say to the suspect molecule?

A: I've got my ion you.

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65. Here's why Halloween isn't in the winter.

dad jokes for kids
Source: istock

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

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