Growing up, I thought I was going to have a smooth, super chill, only-child life. Until I turned five, that is, when my parents decided to bring home a tiny blob of a human and said she was my sister. Not entirely thrilled by this addition to my easygoing and relaxed lifestyle, I waited until she was old enough to talk, and then surreptitiously used my five years of seniority to fill her head with all kinds of nonsense that still haunts her in her twenties.
There was the time I told her she was adopted (how original), and the time I lied and said she had to give me hour-long back rubs to be allowed to watch (just watch, not play) me win at Pacman on the computer.
And although as an adult I'm a bit traumatized by my past self's actions, a recent reddit thread made me realize I'm not the worst sibling out there. In fact, I'm kind of bummed I wasn't more creative at dragging my sister.
Below, 15 people who were bullied so bad by their siblings, it's a wonder they lived to tell the tale.
1. A painful lesson in trust.
"We were eating at a Japanese restaurant and my older brother told me that little piece of wasabi was ice cream. :("
2. Here's one way to make sure your siblings learn about Santa.
"My brother told me that if I was naughty around Christmas time Santa would take me away and turn me into an elf to make toys forever. I was freaking out to the point where my parents sat me down and told me that there isn't a Santa. I was relieved and distraught at the same time."
3. Wait, they're not?
"I told my brother that the rough treads on the side of the freeways were to alert blind people when they were drifting off the road. He came to me about two months ago saying he had brought that up among friends and embarrassed the s--t out of himself. He's 23, lmao."
4. Sooooo good if you're the pranker, so terrible if you're the prankee.
"One of the first times my brothers and I were allowed to stay home by ourselves while our parents were out and about, we were playing some video games innocently when my older brother says he hears something coming from the bedrooms. My younger brothers and I didn't hear anything, so we just kept playing. My older brothers persisted however, saying he heard something again. After a few more claims, he starts acting genuinely scared and tries to call my mom, but she doesn't pick up (probably because he didn't really call her).
"We were pretty young, so at this point he basically had us convinced there was a murderer or something in the house. He then proceeded to tell us he was going to check it out, and went off through the hallway into the dark. My other brothers and I waited for him on the couch for like 2 minutes until we decided to go make sure he was still alive.
"We cautiously searched all the rooms in the house, but we couldn't find him anywhere. My youngest brother is nearly crying with fear at this point, so we chicken out and head back to the living room where it's safe. As we were walking through the dark hallway though, my brother literally drops from the ceiling and lands in front of us, wearing a mask and wielding a butter knife. He has been perched up at the ceiling using both hallway walls like some sort of monkey child, waiting for the opportune moment to strike, and boy did he scare us good. My youngest brother called my mom for real just to tell on him, but I'm not sure she understood anything through my brother's sobbing.
"Looking back, I can't help but recognize my older brother's genius, but at the same time it meant we weren't allowed to stay home by ourselves for another year or so. Good times."
5. I honestly wish remotes worked this way.
"When I was very young, my older brother told me that if you pointed the TV remote at someone and clicked the power button, it would 'turn them off' in the same way the picture on a CRT quickly minimizes. He was able to keep me in line for a few years by pointing the remote at me and threatening to shoot."
6. This is cruel. But hilarious. But nonetheless so cruel.
"Bottom of the pool smelled like strawberries........I was not a smart kid so there I went trying to sniff the bottom of the pool."
7. At least they didn't pull out the dye in her sleep.
"Mom dyed her hair and did something wrong and it came out orange. Not kind of orange, orange. So two of my sisters and I convinced our baby sister that her hair would turn orange too when she grew up.
"She started crying and going on about how she didn't want orange hair and our parents wanted to know what the hell we'd done."
8. I'm going to keep an extra close eye for dogs and babies next trash day.
"My sister would tell me my parents found me in a trashcan and thought I was a really ugly dog, and by the time I realized I was a kid it was too late to return me."
9. I think child-me would have loved to meet this mastermind.
"My brother convinced me and pretty much all of my friends that he was a spy when we were about 7 years old. He even convinced us that he was in the movie Spy Kids in one of the action scenes waaaay in the back. He had me and my friends complete missions so that we could become spies too. Eventually these 'missions' turned into 'Get me a glass of orange juice or you can't be a spy.' He would do fake phone calls to the 'headquarters' knowing that we would overhear him so that we would believe him. He had a spy name and spy number for all of us for when we would eventually be old enough to be initiated.
This went on for two years and all of my friends still thought we could one day be a spy. Even my parents played along probably not realizing how serious I took it. I believed him for so long because up until that point I didn't think anyone especially my brother was capable of lying about something like that for so long. The day he finally told me he was so serious because I think he truly didn't expect this joke to stick for this long. When he told me let me tell you I was crying so much because I spent two years doing meaningless tasks because I wanted to be a spy. All of my friends growing up were equally pissed and we still give him beef for it now that we are all in our 20's."
10. I would have taken this kid to the school science fair.
"I told my little brother that he was a robot. I would walk up to him with a screwdriver and ask him to hold still so I could adjust the settings when he was being annoying. Poke him in the back a bit and then tell him that he's good to go. I'd leave Allen wrenches and socket sets on his bedside table after he went to sleep. When he asked about it I'd say things like 'Dad's always working on new upgrades...' or 'You probably don't even remember the headache/spasms/glitches you were having last night.'"
11. Now here's a prank I would just *love* to reuse.
"When making my communion in the Catholic church, I was seated waiting to be called and just before I left my seat to get the bread of communion, my big bro grabbed my hand and said, 'You can get it plain or with jam, but you have to ask the priest, he doesn't offer it.'"
12. Siblings. It's all about the mind games.
"I convinced [my little brother] I could unlock car doors via mind control using a remote fob in my pocket and I told him if they practiced enough it would work for them too. And I unlocked the car door on about his sixth or seventh try concentrating and then immediately locked it again, told him to keep practicing in his spare time."
13. Wait, you DON'T know about chachis?
"The age gap between my brother and I is six years. Normally it’s never been an obstacle, except for the few years I was just gullible enough to believe the lies he was just clever enough to come up with.
One last piece of background information, my family is Asian/Pacific Islander. We eat a lot of rice, always have.
When I was about 10 years old, I was putting rice into the cooker to start for dinner, and my brother leans over;
'What are you doing?'
'Washing rice what does it look like?'
'You just cook your rice without checking for chachi? Wow bold move'
Consider me baited..
'Chachi look just like rice, except they’re actually small insects who’s defense mechanism allow them to remain really still from predators. They prefer warm moist climates like rice fields. If you eat chachi they burrow in your intestine and lay eggs for their future generations.'
My brother had made it very clear that the only way to make sure I was consuming real rice was to go grain by grain. This only happened 2 or 3 times thankfully before my mom caught on and made him apologize.
TL;DR my brother made me check rice grain by grain just so he could laugh at my expense."
14. Now you know why the family's poor.
"My brother, (male) step cousin, and I told my sister and female step cousin they crash landed in my families garden in a space ship and that's why there was a low spot that often flooded. My sister argued that they weren't green and didn't have antennas. I told her that it cost a lot of money to make them look human by removing the antenna and bleaching their skin and that's why both our families were poor. She cried."
15. This sounds like an ambitious prank to keep up as a child.
"I taught my brother the the color red was called 'green' and vice-versa for a couple different colors.
"My parents found out when his teacher at school recommended he get tested for colorblindness. My parents forked out a couple hundred bucks just to discover I was an a--hole."