Sure, I may be almost thirty, but that doesn't stop me from thinking that men are gross creatures who carry cooties on a regular basis. For one, I feel like every woman I know was taught from a young age how to clean up after herself and, thanks to patriarchy, after all the other men around her. But guys seem to have gotten away with never having to learn how to clean up their messes.
If you think I'm exaggerating, there's no clearer evidence than a peek into some of these dudes' bathrooms. Growing up, my mother always told my sister and me that she could tolerate lack of cleanliness anywhere but her toilet. But it's not just that some of these guys have zero consideration for the filth around their johns — some of them are also impressively creative.
This all began when Twitter user @jodieegrace asked her lady followers for "the weirdest thing you’ve ever found in a boy’s bathroom." She opens the thread with an impressive taped-together plunger-hair-brush gadget surrounded by a toilet paper graveyard.
I can understand where Jodie's coming from. If I had ever encountered such a monstrosity while visiting one of my guy friends' houses, I'd be sure to take to the internet to wonder whether I'm hallucinating or if anyone else's experiences could confirm my strange sighting.
From the looks of her thread, she wasn't sorry she asked. People started flooding Twitter with pictures of the strangest things they've come across in men's bathrooms and the results did not disappoint.
Take this person, who tweeted that she’d been told the place she was moving into “had been damaged,” but “nothing could have prepared [her] for the fact that someone had carved Li Shang’s head out of the bathroom door and written ‘We must defeat the Huns!’ on it.” In this case, a picture really is worth a thousand words.
Nope, that's not just poster board. Or how about these guys who like to stare into the eyes of Priyanka's hubby and the rest of the Jonas Brothers while he stands up to take a pee? My favorite part about this one is the fact that they went through the lengths of framing this canvas. I pride myself on my cute and clean abode, but even I haven't had the time to get everything on my walls into pretty frames.
The wooden edges around this nostalgic millennial pink portrait displays true commitment to the worst boy band of all time. And the cleaning products on the toilet really add an extra bit of artistic flair.
In a sea of dirty tiles and fallen towels, another woman took to the thread to post a bizarre statue that features prominently in a boys' bathroom she recently visited.
"The weirdest part about this was they all referred to it as 'The Mother'," she writes. Nope, I think the weirdest part about this image is the fallen Hershey bar on The Mother's foot. Did someone throw a sacrificial candy bar to this statue in an effort to pay their respects?
I'm also shocked by the fact that, despite olfactory images not having been invented yet, I can smell the wet clothes on the floor all the way from where I'm sitting. As one other lady on Twitter mentions, "Although most of these are hilarious, I can’t get past the fact that every single bathroom in this thread is so DIRTY."
Same girl, SAME. Another person wrote about "The Love Shaq," a "Shaquille O'Neal shrine" in their student housing bathroom. "I wish I had a photo," she adds. And although we'll just have to close our eyes and imagine that one, there's no shortage of bizarre mens' room shrines in the thread.
Like, take this Barbie bondage shrine as a prime example of what I mean. Will men ever stop being slobs? Probably not. Will they ever stop being weirdo misogynists? Probably not, either.
When I started digging through this thread, the Barbie bondage — let's call it — "installation" was the weirdest thing I'd ever encountered. As I dig deeper, I'm starting to doubt myself. Like, I've seen many a cat litter (and occasional stray dog poop) in the bathroom, but it seems some dudes like to keep the most bizarre pets.
If I may turn your attention to this guy's Fido, a TP-eating kangaroo! I have so many follow-up questions for the woman who posted this. Are you in Australia? Is this your boyfriend? Do you co-parent this kangaroo?
She later explained, "one of my friends had him as a pet & they had a party one night and i went to go pee and walked in on a kangaroo just chilling" — which doesn't make any of this less weird and doesn't make me any less unsettled.
"At least it wasn't an alligator," responded another. "I knew a girl who stole baby ducks off the neutral ground so they wouldn't get hit. She raised them in her tub for months. To this day I wonder how she bathed that summer," she wrote.
What the what?! We might need to do a wellness check on Australia to make sure everyone's OK.
You know that cliché about men being unable to ask for directions? For me, this is that in the form of a restroom.
On a generously labeled series of Post-Its, one dude wrote about his bathroom's malfunctions: "The Toilet Seat is BROKEN. #($*ing Deal with it," it reads.
"P.S: S/O to whoever broke it. You suck," it ends, rather cuttingly. I know we love to be all "Can't live with them, can't live without them" about men. But, really?
These bathrooms are making me reconsider a lot of things, and also making me want to schedule monthly check-ins with all of my dude friends to make sure they're not living in squalor, and confirm they don't have any rogue kangaroos squatting in their apartments.