I was just at the beach a couple weeks ago and almost had the fail of a lifetime! Like an idiot, I wore my (very expensive) prescription sunglasses in the ocean and, like an idiot, went under the water with them on. When I popped up, they were not on my face anymore. I was blind, and my (very expensive) prescription sunglasses were drifting off to sea. In a complete panic, I dove under water and felt around for them. Eventually, thank goodness, my hands clasped around them, and I rescued them from a watery death. And now I don't have to explain to my eye doctor that I have to replace my glasses because I flung them into the ocean.
My beach story was a near-miss, but these are all straight-up fails. Jimmy Fallon started off this thread of truly hilarious beach fails that might keep you out of the water for the rest of the summer.
I have learned this the hard way: You never look good at the beach. There is no looking cool while you're being pounded by waves and while every crevice of your body is being filled up with sand. Stop trying to look cool when you're at the beach, and I promise you will have way more fun that way. You will also be able to brace yourself better for giant waves if you're not trying to look like James Bond.
Seagulls are literal monsters! What do you even do after the top half of your bathing suit has taken to the sky in the beak of an evil sea bird?! I'm sure you didn't pack a second bathing suit just in case a gull attacks you. That possibility, I'm sure, did not cross your mind. This story is making me super embarrassed, and I wasn't even on the same continent when it happened. I can't imagine what I would do if this happened to me.
OK, I think we have to stop now. This is the ultimate hilarious beach fail. Call off the dogs. We found it. It doesn't get any stupider than this. I can't believe he threw his own house key into the ocean. That's like, several layers of idiot. He is a seven-layer idiot cake. First, he had to forget that he put his key in the pocket of his swim trunks. Then, he had to forget what his house key, which he presumably uses every day, looks like. How many times do you think he replayed that moment when he flung his own key into the icy depths of the ocean in his own mind? It must be upwards of a billion.
This is beyond cruel! They had been waiting all week! All week their mom told them they'd be going to the beach, only to pull the rug out from under them at the last second. I understand wanting to trick your dog into going to the vet, but you don't need a week of lead-up and to lie to your human children, too! That's just mean! I hope they got to go to the beach after the vet. It's the only way this isn't child abuse.
This legit made me gag just thinking about it. I hear about people who use mayonnaise to treat their hair, and I just don't understand how anyone does it. And I like mayo on a sandwich! But do not put it on my body. It's a smell I cannot abide. Thinking about someone slathered in mayo lying out in the sun all day makes me want to die. It's a horrible thought. Even if he went and washed himself off in the ocean, I have a feeling the memory of the stench would last for days.
Could you imagine seeing a giant wave carrying all your belongings? What do you even do in this case? That bag probably held her ID, credit cards, house keys, phone... There's simply nothing left to do but get on a bus, ride to a new city, and start a new life. New name, new identity, new set of problems. When asked what happened in your old life, just look out the window and quietly mumble, "It was stolen from me." Then go back to selling hardware in the local shop, which is your job now.
This is terrible. Could you imagine finally standing up after being knocked around by the ocean only to get smacked in the face by a fish? How do you get a terrified fish out of the tangled web that is attached to your head? Either the fish has to remain calm long enough to be carefully dislodged or you have to shave the head. Those are the only two options. It does seem like the fish eventually escaped the clutches of her locks, so that's good.
Whoops! Grandma and Grandpa are scarred for life from seeing what goes on during spring break, and now you are scarred for life from having to explain it to them. That is an awkward situation all around. I wonder how long the drive was. I'm picturing a whole family sitting in the car in silence for like, a whole nine-hour long trip. Then, as you pull into the driveway, Grandma breaks the silence: "I never knew what body shots were before."
Nope! Nuh uh! No thanks! I once swam in a lake at night and it was the most terrifying thing because you literally cannot see below you in the water. And that was a lake! There definitely weren't any sharks in there. No way I would swim in the ocean in the dark. Also, if I do choose to swim in the dark, one nudge would be enough to propel me out of the water for the rest of the vacation. No way I'm putting up with multiple mystery nudges. These people are crazy!
Usually when one takes a nap on the beach, you lie on a towel or a blanket. Maybe you have a hat on or music playing in your earbuds. A lot of people hang out under umbrellas. And usually you're not like three feet from the water. She's definitely within wave distance. This is a weird way to nap on the beach and I'm glad a concerned citizen said something because she really does look like a dead body.
This is really adorable, but it does not teach the hard life lesson that some beaches just don't have shells. This kid has to learn that life's a beach! There won't always be shells for him to pick up. When I was a kid, if there were no shells on the beach, we just had to scoop up a jar of sand and pretend that was exactly what we wanted. Also when we did find shells, we couldn't taken them home because "What are you going to do with them? Really?"
How many times can you say "Nooooooooo!" in a row before you have to stop to breathe or take a drink of water or eat? Because that was me just now. Reading this single tweet sent a legit shudder up my entire spine. It's so gross I cannot even. It would be gross enough if it was an actual sand-covered Cheeto. Have you ever accidentally eaten sand? It's the worst. But this wasn't that. This was a piece of seagull poop. Ahhhhh!
Nope nope nope! Man, I clearly saved all the disgusting ones for the end of the list. Puking is one of my worst fears. I hate that feeling more than anything else. It makes me super embarrassed, and I gag really easily so all it takes is the sight or the sound or the thought of puke to send me off on my own upchuck adventure. I could not imagine being that woman in the bikini, having a grand old time swimming in the ocean, then barraged with barf. Ewwwww.
This would absolutely be the same reaction I would have in this situation, and I do not fault this poor soul at all for it. That has got to be completely terrifying. At least now he knows that he will just be totally screwed if he ever encounters a real shark. I mean, instant meal.
On another note, whether it was a shark or a trash bag, I would probably get out of the ocean. As much as I want to avoid being bitten by a shark, I also definitely don't want to be swimming around with a bunch of garbage.
Isn't it illegal to have sex in public? These people are lucky the police were on the hunt for someone else that night. Also, I don't care how sexy you think it's going to be. There is no way that sex on the beach is actually fun. Sand gets everywhere — I mean everywhere — and it gets cold and windy, especially at night! Not to mention Newport Beach isn't exactly a desert island. Nothing about that situation sounds appealing to me.
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