Amelia Wedemeyer started a brilliant Twitter thread where she managed to find a different Ben Affleck for pretty much every Dunkin' Donuts beverage out there.
When you think of Massachussets, a few things probably come to mind. The Departed, Good Will Hunting, exaggerated Southie accents, and cobblestone streets that ruin your caahhh. And maybe the Boston Strangler.
If you're normal, unlike me, you also probably think of Dunkin' Donuts. There's nothing more Massachussetts than the Double-D and the very particular clientele that frequents such a fine coffee and pastry and sandwiches-that-taste-like-sand-and-warm-germs establishment.
It's such a trope that even Saturday Night Live managed to make a skit about it when they remembered they weren't The Daily Show for a second. And wouldn't you know it? The sketch starred an Affleck!
1. Speaking of Afflecks, they're right up there with the Wahlbergs when it comes to Mass-hole royalty.
So it only makes sense that Amelia would pair this talented actor/director/producer/former husband to Alias, Ben Affleck. Look at him strutting his period-piece stuff. Live By Night is impossible to watch now unless you've got a Vanilla Bean Coolatta on hand. Thanks a lot, Amelia.
2. Or perhaps you want something a little more festive?
If sexy-kool-aid-man Affleck shows up to your door and wants to go on a Dunkin' run, please don't make the mistake of getting anything other than a Strawberry coolata. I know it's just cold diabetes in a cup and tastes like a dude ate a bunch of pink Starbursts and them barfed into a cup of chipped ice, but look at how well it goes with him on this red carpet premiere? Come ooonnn.
3. A blue north face to keep you warm while you slurp a Blue Raspberry Coolatta.
Let's forget the fact that Blue Raspberries don't exist in nature. You know what does exist in nature? Ben Affleck and his wonderful smirk and these photos from the set of The Accountant. You might not be able to account for your fingers and toes if you chug one of these every day, but you can count on the fact that you'll look great standing next to Ben while he's rocking that blue North Face. On God.
That's either a sour apple or raspberry lime coolatta. Whatever it is, here's hoping it'll be flavorful enough to take Ben away from his cigarette and the ENEMY Starbucks iced coffee he's holding. The festive, almost nuclear glow of his beverage is a nice counter to the dead-in-the-eyes look Ben's giving off in this photo.
5. 'Armageddon' Ben needs and iced tea.
Back before he hit the magical age where Men's faces just seem to get wider, Ben wasn't just a tall glass of water, he was a tall drink of tea. Bottom barrel, flavorless, $2 all-summer long Dunkin' ice tea. At least you get a wedge of lemon.
6. Somber times call for Frozen Dunkaccino.
OK, so you've never watched Live by Night, but that's all right because most people haven't. Just like most people haven't had a Dunkaccino or have even uttered the phrase, "Dunkaccino." That's because it's stupid. You know what's not stupid? How well this outfit pairs with that coffee. Unless you're saying like, it's STUPID how well they go together. Then yes.
7. Reindeer games aesthetic needs a black-iced.
There's just no other way around it. It's a sobering experience watching such a whack film, just like it is when you have to guzzle down a Dunkin' straight-up iced coffee.
8. Light and sweet, just like this suit.
I'd prefer a more tan, foamy top, but if Ben's coming at you with a suit his tailor made after he said, "I'm feeling, layered-khaki-variants, make it happen" then you better get this milky concoction in your hand STAT.
9. For when you're trying to look inconspicuous...
No one wants to admit that they bought an Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta, it's not a sexy drink. It doesn't particularly taste good, either. It's way too sweet and it's not even really made with cream, it's like ice-oreos which means you're basically eating Oreos dunked in cold water. This embarrassing fact means it's perfect for the trench coat, I hope nobody sees me look that Ben's sporting above.
10. Out and about, fancy free.
You did good, you got yourself a small iced latte. Who needs all of that coffee? It's just going to make you go to the bathroom anyway. It's a beautifully sunny day and you've got things to do. So even though you could totally afford it, you went for the small. Honestly? Good for you. Sashay through the park with that beautiful smile on your face. You earned it.
11. How do I not know this Dunkin' drink, or where this image is from?
I'm seriously speechless, I was able to ascertain that the beverage is probably an orange Icy Cooler, but I have no idea who this Mustard king Affleck is. Also, he looks about as ripped as he was in The Town here.
12. Hello cold brew my old friend...
To see Ben enter into an existential crisis after sitting on a panel with Henry Cavill, realizing that he's an Oscar-winning director who fell for starring in a really awful DC movie, is the kind of sobering wake-up call that can only come from a strong, black, iced cold brew.
13. Let it all hang out, Phoenix tattoo style.
When you're ascending into high planes of consciousness, you're going to need a Cosmic Coolata to power your journey there. And because everyone's going to be more concerned with the way your back looks instead of your belly or thighs, grab yourself a sparkly donut while you're at it.
14. Your mom let you and your friends stay in the city for the weekend as a graduation present.
Problem is you took the LIRR too far up and you missed the concert venue. Now you're in Montauk wondering why a bagel and cream cheese costs $12 and there isn't any cell phone signal anywhere. Better hit up a gas station Dunkin' and get some sweet artificial garbage in your system until your mom Zelles you some money so you can get the train back into midtown. Man those tickets are pricey.
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