Close your eyes. Imagine Drake's house. What kind of mansion would the Toronto-based rapper live in? If you thought "tacky nightclub John Wick set," you would be correct.
Drake's home was recently featured in Architectural Digest, and the photos raise a lot of questions, questions like, "What?" "Why?" "Who?" "Where?" "What?" "How?" And, "Who told him it was a good idea to make every surface in his entire house reflective?"
This is some bar, eh? Architectural Digest reports that his massive house, which is in Toronto, is 50,000 square feet, which is obviously enough room to have a bar that looks like it's part of a space ship. The house has an NBA regulation-size basketball court and a black-marble pool, which, um, looks crazy.
Do you think Drake said, "I want to be able to see myself in every surface in this mansion"? Because that's certainly what it seems like. The neon and black lights make me feel like I'm at the world's worst club.
Oh, but there's more. Every single room in his house is "extra" to the nth degree. I can't imagine an actual human soul living in this monstrosity. It's just so devoid of warmth.
Well, folks, I never thought this day would come, but it is here. I have officially asked myself, "How much marble is too much marble?" And in the same breath, I've found the answer. This. This is too much marble.
Drake has a name for his mansion, of course, and that name is The Embassy. Fitting for a house that looks more like an over-the-top hotel meant for slick businessmen who order a lot of bottle service.
Can you imagine Drake and his toddler son hanging out on this couch? No, no you can't. It's impossible. This doesn't look like a home. And the pink lighting is pretty unbearable.
Obviously, people had a lot of opinions about Drake's house, most of which echo mine. This is a house that seems to only want to scream from its rooftop, "My owner is rich!!! He has a ton of money!! No, like a really insane amount of money!"
"It's unfortunate money doesn't buy taste," one person wrote. Drake's mansion is like if Dr. Phil's son was Canadian and got his hands on a bunch more money. Their houses both ooze the same weirdness.
One of the things I cannot get over are the spiky chandeliers that he has surrounding his staircase. I can't imagine he saw those and said, "Yes, those are pleasant to look at. Give me a dozen."
But also, is this an optical illusion? I don't know what's stairs and what's a mirror. This place is designed for me to walk into a mirror, stumble backward, and get impaled on a chandelier. I don't like it, I tell you!!!
There were seemingly two camps when it came to Drake's house: those who believe it looks like a nightclub and those who think it looks like a mall. I think it's a perfectly horrendous combination of the two.
Like, I'm sorry, this just looks right. And if Drake had leaned hard into the mall thing and actually put gumball machines, snack kiosks, a Wetzel's Pretzels, and a Bath and Body Works in his home, maybe I would have respected the move.
But as it stands, Drake's home is shocking, and not in a good way. Drake, what's up, man? You good? You know we know you have a lot of money, right? You don't have to prove it to us every chance you get. We believe you, Drake. You don't have to live like this.