Shao Khan Shuts Down Mortal Kombat Tournament Due to Coronavirus – Kano Still Wants to Fight
(This article is intended as parody.)
Since 1992, the Mortal Kombat tournament has been the most brutal, violent, and gory fighting spectacle the known universe and its many realms have ever witnessed. Champions from all walks of life: supernatural human beings, to literal gods of thunder have participated in the contest and shown their opponents no mercy.
However, even a competition as no-holds-barred as this is no match for the coronavirus.
Yes. the tournament has been canceled.
Here's why even the Mortal Kombat tournament was no match for the coronavirus.
You may be asking yourself, "But isn't the entire point of Mortal Kombat to witness death and destruction on such a great scale that we cherish peace time and happiness, because such bloodshed provides a foil for what we, as human beings, secretly cherish above all else, but lose sight of that as our own egos and inadequacies clout our love for fellow living things?"
But Shao Khan has spoken and his edict is clear: "Due to the recent COVID-19 pandemic, Shao Khan has decided to cancel the Mortal Kombat tournament for the Earth Realm. We take the threat very serious and care for the well being of our fighters and want a safe tournament."
Several combatants, although disappointed they wouldn't get the chance bathe in the blood of their opponent after ripping their head off with their spine still intact to present to audiences, understood the precautions.
"As much as I want to bicycle kick someone in the chest until their heart explodes while I shout like a horny, excited rabbit, I respect Shao Khan's decision," Liu Kang, longtime participant in the Mortal Kombat tournament said.
"The fires of hell can easily purge this disease," Scorpion hissed through his mask, but eventually conceded, "not everyone can thrive in the glorious purging flames of the Netherrealm, so I get it."
Some are saying that cancelling the tournament is cowardice.
Others were not so happy with the decision to cancel the bouts. Kano, in a now-deleted Instagram Live, downplayed the severity of the coronavirus pandemic and blasted tournament officials for their "ball-less cowardice." He appeared inebriated throughout the video, while saying, "The ways I see it, I'm a dirty as hell bastard and I haven't had so much as a cold in the last 28 years."
He also caught flak for cursing out and threatening viewers who posed questions during the live stream.
"Marcia1617...you're asking if I think the pandemic is dangerous? While I'm not a doctor I know a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to cutting dungos open and judging from your page, it looks like the only thing you know how to do is pair inspirational quotes with butt shots, so why don't you let me just be angry at the fact I have no one to legally kill this year?" Kano followed it up by pointing out he routinely indulges in food that's been "left on the floor."
During the feed, Kano seemed to backtrack on his comments once he was accused of being misogynistic, and began spouting Outer Realm conspiracy theories: namely that Kotal Khan was somehow behind the cancellation of the tournament in an attempt to discredit Shao Khan's economic contributions to the Outworld.
While much of his ramblings were incoherent, Kano, however did make one point about the Mortal Kombat contest that many seemed to agree with.
"Look, every year, multiple times we get blown up. Torn to shreds. Decapitated. Burned alive, heck, I've gotten my skull broke open and had my brain stolen from a drone and put into some robot's body where I was forced to be a minion for some ice ninja lady...but we keep coming back, ready to fight in another tournament. Do you honestly think a little virus is going to keep us down?"
We reached out to Shao Khan regarding the immortality of Mortal Kombat contestants despite their history of being blown to smithereens, he has not yet responded.