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Source: victor musical industries

Pro-Tip: For Extreme Disappointment, Try These Video Game Techniques IRL

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Mar. 25 2019, Updated 4:05 p.m. ET

It takes about three seconds of playing Super Mario Bros. to realize that what might help everyone's favorite red-overall-rocking plumber get out of trouble is much different than what'll help a human being in the real world escape peril.

I grew up playing way too many video games and not spending enough time outdoors and, you know, interacting with reality, but even I understand the pitfalls of trying to implement "video game logic" in everyday activities.

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Turtles aren't fun to jump on. Eating mushrooms you find at random won't make you grow taller — if they do, you're probably just tripping balls. Or you're dying because you ingested some toxic spores and your mind's playing tricks on you.

There's plenty of examples of things that might work in video games that just won't cut it out in the real world.

And it really isn't until you apply "video game" logic to real life situations that you realize just how weird the games we play are. Even the more "realistic" titles. Call of Duty is a modern combat first-person shooter — yet in real life you can't soak up bullets and then just run away and crouch somewhere until the blood clears out of your eyes and be good to go.

To further highlight the ridiculousness of the video game/real life connection, Rae Johnston asked some peeps on Twitter to discuss the weird video game techniques people have used while playing that'd never work out in the real world.

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videogame techniques

Her tweet erupted into a mega-thread that was a greatest hits reel of everything ridiculous outside of the context of video games.

Remember Metal Gear Solid, that fight against Psycho Mantis? The dude could read your mind, so what do you do? Unplug your controller and put it in the second port — then he couldn't read your moves anymore. Take that, you levitating nerd.

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Also in Metal Gear Solid, and many other video games (like Red Dead Redemption and tons of other titles) you eat food for health. I don't know about you, but whenever I needed surgery or medical treatment for an injury, a doctor's never just handed me a turkey sandwich and sent me home.

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Dealing with widespread tragedy or explosive death and destruction are also much different in video games than in real life. Personally, I could never play Lemmings — I always felt bad when one of them died. 

This feature  Elissa mentions, however, is something I direly wish I had in my everyday life. Just me though, no one else. Atlantic City, here I come.

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There's that food/health relationship again. Also, regarding jumping from great heights: one of the first things I check for when playing a new game is whether or not it has fall damage.

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Anyone who's played a Bethesda RPG knows exactly what this deal is. Just watch out for any Imperial guards.

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videogame techniques
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Or if we're talking about Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, backsliding everywhere.

And if there are any Street Fighter fans out there, you know you tried to shoot a fireball at least once. Come on, admit it.

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For a game that's hell-bent on making you sneak around to avoid large-scale combat scenarios, Metal Gear Solid really had some super flawed logic.

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Please don't try the checkpoint trick, it really doesn't work. As for the tiny fairy, I'm pretty sure calling up a whimsical friend on your cell phone achieves the same exact effect. Or being a successful musician who writes emo songs.

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I wish physics in real life worked like they did in some video games. Double-jumping would be great, as long as I could withstand the fall damage from that height.

Also, for this Grand Theft Auto logic-inspired tweet: getting your car repainted at the shop.

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videogame techniques

This last one hit a little too close to home. Absolutely brutal, Matthew. One can only dream.

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