Growing up, my siblings and I had this long-standing theory that if someone burped, coughed, farted, and sneezed at the same time their heads would explode. Obviously, we had no scientific evidence to support it, but that didn't stop us from disseminating this hypothesis to our friends and family members as incontrovertible fact.
It seems like a similar argument is being made about what happens if you punch someone in the armpit.
If you punch someone in the armpit, will they poop?
That's the big question here, ladies and gentlemen. Will a direct strike to someone's armpit render them a defecating mess? Although I'm no physician, I can say that, from personal experience sparring in different martial arts classes and receiving kicks punches and elbows that missed their mark and hit me under my arm, I have never once soiled myself.
I'd also wager that if this theory was true, we'd see a lot more combat sports athletes leaving their respective rings/cages with "claggy bottoms," as the Brits would say. The question actually popped up in a Reddit thread too in 2019 and it was evident that inquiring minds really wanted to know.
User FrozeCoke asked:
"I'm not sure how often this is said around the world, but in my school people insist that if you punch someone's armpit they will s*** themselves. I have also asked my best friend who goes to a school 1 hour away from mine, and he has indeed confirmed that the rumor is also present in his school. I would like to know this because then maybe I could ask someone to punch my armpits since I do appear to be severely constipated."
Looking for a recommended way to alleviate themselves of their "severe" constipation, FrozeCoke wanted to try the old strike-to-the-armpit method so they could evacuate their bowels.
Several Redditors had not only rejected this theory but even claimed to have tried it themselves on a friend, with unsurprising results.
Levlove wrote, "Sitting here with 3 other nurses, just tested it on my neighbor. You know, for science. And because she said she needed to poop, too. Tried dead center on the right pit and then for good measure tried bilateral punches at the same time. No poop."
So what happens if you punch someone in the armpit? Anything?
Not content to merely trust the results of others on the internet, I decided to have my wife give me a good pit-shellacking as I hadn't pooped myself in about a day and had several cups of coffee prior to writing this article. If there ever was a time for someone to literally crap themselves after getting hit, this would be it.
I taped the results for thoroughly scientific purposes. You can see for yourself below.
I can say that it was the only time in my life I was disappointed I hadn't pooped my pants. Once I find the "brown spot" on the body, I'll be sure to share my findings with the rest of the internet.