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17 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn't always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1.  Squirrel eats mini ice cream cones every day at ice cream shop 

These are the stories that matter.

2.  Sperm tested as possible candidate for delivering cancer medications in female patients 

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I'm just imagining a bro-doctor working day and night to come up with this method to hit on a coworker.

3.  'Britain' banned in Slovakia; call it UK or face fine 

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They're also not fond of "Australia", it's now officially called "Down Under" or "English Convict Island".

4.  Why one Republican voted to kill privacy rules: "Nobody has to use the Internet" 

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Looks like this dude's gunning hard for the most out-of-touch jerkface politician award.

5.  Public toilet paper theft spreads to southwest China 

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I hope they wipe these criminals out.

6.  Federal judge dismisses lawsuit filed by man seeking to marry computer 

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I hope the judge looked him before hitting the gavel and said, "Does not compute."

7.  Alastair Campbell: PM is wrong to hint that β€˜God would have voted leave’ 

Current #politics in #derry #ae17 #stormont #Brexit

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Don't you just love it when politicians presume to know what an all-powerful deity would've done?

8.  Decorated Navy SEAL moonlighting as a porn star 

This guy is the an idol to 13-year-old boys everywhere.

9.  Grandma told by police to return footballs kicked into her garden- or she could be charged with theft 

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I know I'm getting old when I start siding with the woman.

10.  1,100 strangers showed up at his home for sex. He blames Grindr 

#grindr #πŸ–•πŸΌ

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Holy crap this cheating ex is brutal.

11.  A Turkey Walks Into A Walmart, Greeter Gets Fired 

I always wondered what it would take to get a Wal-Mart greeter sacked. Good to know it's curious turkeys.

12.  Wendy’s is not taking anyone’s shit anymore 

We've chronicled Wendy's' amazingness online for a while now. 

13.  Don't throw cash from your vehicle, locals tell politicians 

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I don't think I'd ever agree with that statement, but the story's kinda messed up.

14.  Russian Repair Truck Shows Up to Repair Pothole, Falls Into It 

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Even a road will kill you in Russia.

15.  The Great Japan Potato-Chip Crisis: Panic Buying, $12 Bags 

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Now if they were Sun Chips, I'd understand...

16.  Congressman tells angry constituents the idea that they pay his salary is β€˜bullcrap’ 

Oh really? Because I thought that tax dollars came from taxpayers, like, you know, citizens. Unless you're getting money from private corporations, which is, you know, illegal.

17.  Driver in Durham crash flees, attempts to evade police by pretending to eat breakfast 

Ahh, the old, "you can't arrest me while I'm eating a McMuffin" defense.