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18 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn't always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Burglar breaks into Fruita home, writes notes and eats cookies

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Sounds like Santa Clause is going for a test run.

2. Police arrest chihuahua in Northern Ireland

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The Beverly Hills Chihuaha series took a dark turn.

3. Burglar Caught Making Surprisingly Good Fried Chicken In Woman's House 

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I wouldn't even press charges if he saved me some.

4. Scrotox: Yes, Men Are Actually Botoxing Their Testicles

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For an unparalleled testicular shine: scrotox.

5. Family Tells Dying Man Trump Has Been Impeached So He Can 'Die Peacefully'

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Family of the year right there.

6.  Death by overwork: Japan’s 100-hour overtime cap sparks anger 

Boss 🇯🇵 #kitsune #tokyo #maisonkitsune #japanoffice #masaya

A post shared by Clara // The French Way (@claravillegas_) on

"This job will be the death of me!"

7.  Fox News panelist told she is giving America an erection, hours after Bill O'Reilly is fired 

What? But I thought Fox News was a credible news station? With professional journalists?

8.  McDonald’s introduces new soul-crushing uniforms for our modern dystopia 

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"Ba-dah-dah-dah-daaaaaah, existentialism."

9.  Ecuador fines media for not publishing a story 

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Free press doesn't mean they sometimes take commissions, Ecuador. I mean, yeah, that happens, but it's not like you can officially acknowledge it with a fine or anything. Rookie move, man, rookie move.

10.  Alex Jones brags that he’s a “number one meme” during custody trial 

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Can you imagine waking up and you're suddenly a person who takes what this guy says seriously?

11. Sex will cure your MS, doctor told patient and added 'trust me, I'm a doctor' 

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Those Web MD articles really need to have better editing standards.

12. Michigan cops may soon be barred from having sex with prostitutes while undercover 

2 New Designs in support of our boys in blue! 🚔🚨#DetroitPolice #MichiganPolice #ServeAndProtect #ThinBlueLine

A post shared by The Detroit Line 👊 (@thedetroitline) on

"But that's a cornerstone of this Police Department's heritage!"

13. Youngstown store clerk can’t read robber’s poor handwriting on note 

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Our education system is even failing our armed robbers!

14. Mariachi band crashes Senator's private luncheon 

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Oh if these are some pre-election pranks from the opposition, then I suddenly have a renewed interest in politics.

15. To avoid trip with girlfriend, travel agent sent ‘hijack threat’ to airports 

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That's dedication right there.

16. Richard Simmons makes statement for first time in a year: 'I'm not missing' 

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Thanks for keeping us in the loop, Richard. You may commence your lifelong aerobics routine.

17. Netflix's biggest competition is sleep, says CEO Reed Hastings 

#domingo #sunday #netflix #movie #tv #tired #rest #resting #room #myroom #Deus #body #soul #mind

A post shared by Ana Cristina / Brasil (@anacristinaolive) on

I swear to God if they can come up with a way to get rid of sleep forever and it comes with a premium subscription fee, just tell me how much and I'll make it work.

18. Paraplegic man to face court over fine for parking in disabled car park 

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I'd like to think that the second he rolls into the courtroom the judge looks at him and then says, "Well f**k," and dismisses the case.