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18 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn't always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Spooked Brazillian president moves out of official residence because of 'ghosts'

Please let there be a Scooby Doo episode about this.

2. Radical Kuwaiti Sheikh Says Photoshop Forbidden
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Someone please photoshop a dildo attached to this guy's face and mail him copies.

3. Police called to North Yorkshire school after toilet breaks 'limited to two a day'
My toilet hates me

And only four sneezes, most likely.

4. Hundreds of MILF child soldiers released in Philippines
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Forcing children into war slavery is terrible, but let's just take a second to appreciate what the acronym for their child army is called.

5. Russia's Prime Minister Responds to Corruption Allegations by Blocking Opposition Leader on Instagram

Nice to see that world leaders are basically petty teenagers with nuke codes.

6. Driver swerves to miss cat, hits house
Car crash into the side of my house

No one is going to believe him.

7. Athletics removes weight scale from Carleton gym

Guess how much I weigh?😁 #weight #scale #weightscale

A post shared by ☆ L ! N ☆ (@linngamo21) on

I think people can be nasty with fat-shaming, but, not having a scale in a gym is like removing salt from a kitchen because some people are sensitive to sodium.

8. Mexican town pays tribute to firework blast victims with pyrotechnic display

It's like welcoming Jesus back with idols of him being crucified.

9. Passenger causes plane to divert after he's charged $12 for a blanket

Your blanket of love in superfine cashmere = The Superfine Travel Wrap #planeblanket #CashmereScarf #cashmerewrap #travel

A post shared by Everyday Cashmere (@everydaycashmere) on

"Whoa whoa whoa, turn this plane around I want a refund."

10. Net neutrality hurts health care and helps porn, Republican senator claims
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I'd love to hear the bulls**t reason this dude came up with to justify that logic.

11. India washing machine launched with 'curry' button

Colour explosion! Höns, ris, morötter och curry. #curry #swedishfood #chicken

A post shared by Diana (@dianaaspegren) on

"Not all Indian people are obsessed with cur-"

12. Man running late for work moves ambulance on 999 call because it was blocking his path in Market Drayton

I mean, who the hell does that ambulance driver think he is?

13. Hot story: Miami lawyer’s pants erupt in flames during arson trial in court
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Prosecutor: "Your honor, the defense is a liar liar pants on fire!"

Laywer: "Your honor there's no validity to those-"

14. Sole candidate loses U of G student president election in narrow vote
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Whenever you feel like a failure, just remember that there was someone who lost a vote and he was the only person who ran.

15. Cold callers sold farming couple enough printer ink to last 1700 years
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The greatest salesman in the history of telemarketing.

16. MIT offers $250,000 award for breaking the rules

Enjoying MIT while in Boston.

A post shared by YEARBOOK (@yearbookstudios) on

*Goes to campus, hits blunt.*

17. World's Largest Rubber Duck is Coming to Toronto This Summer
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"Rubber ducky you're the one, you make the harbor so much fun!"

18. Rabbit hole leads to 'Knights Templar' cave
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This is some Alice in Wonderland type s**t man.