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17 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn't always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1.  Labrador: ‘Nobody dies because they don’t have access to health care’ 

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I'm sure the 45,000 people who die annually beg to differ. But then again, what do you expect from someone named after a dog.

2. We are 'heroes,' says police chief whose force arrested a photographer 

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Because nothing shouts heroism like slapping some cuffs on a person snapping photos of landmarks.

3. Ukraine bans Steven Seagal as threat to national security 

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Please, don't encourage him.

4. Brexit-backing hedge fund manager loses £125m – because of Brexit 

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I think this is a prime example of voting against one's own interests. But hey, you gotta sacrifice for the common good of the nation, right?

5.  ISIS Tells Followers It's 'Easy' to Get Firearms From U.S. Gun Shows 

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But...but...our second amendment rights?!

6. Swearing while you exercise could make you stronger: study 

You've gotta roll with it...

Hopefully it makes your IKEA furniture stronger, because my s**t will last for generations if that's the case, lemme tell ya.

7. Arcade group promises ticket and claw games will no longer be “rigged” 

"We promise not to cheat you anymore."

"Why are you holding your hand behind your back?"

"What?"

"Are you crossing your fingers?"

"..."

"Well?"

"Just play the f**king claw game."

8. At FDA, TVs now turned to Fox News and can't be switched 

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Hey guys, I found Hell. Stop looking.

9. Woman Arrested for Shooting at Teen for Attempting to Rape Dog 

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What. The. Hell.

10. 59 shots fired at mime dancer mistaken for gang member 

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Did they use silencers? (In all seriousness this is pretty damn tragic)

11. Scotland's One-Woman Rubbish Party Wins Seat In Local Elections 

What kind of Amerlia Bedelia crap is this?

12. Ex-Jersey City deputy mayor to revive burlesque persona for benefit 

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Stay classy, JC.

13. Man accused of murder asks to show penis to jury in oral-sex choking defense 

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"So like...does the jury think it's big?"

14. Icebergs to be Towed from Antarctica to United Arab Emirates for Drinking Water 

The Emirates are so rich...they're literally towing friggin' glaciers to the desert. Meanwhile, we can't even get clean water to Flint in the US.

15. Man who ordered gluten-free meal on flight is given a single banana – and cutlery to eat it with 

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The forks are a nice slap-in-the-face touch.

16. Flint Is Trying To Charge 8,000 People For Not Paying Their Water Bills 

TSR STAFF: Chantel P.! @_popchanny on IG! _____________________________________ What's worse than having poisonous water? Being threatened for not paying for it! _____________________________________ More than 8,000 residents in #Flint, Michigan have been threatened with foreclosure for failing to pay their water bills! But why would they when the city is entering its fourth year of their water crisis!? _____________________________________ According to Business Insider, "More than 8,000 Flint residents received notices from the city threatening to impose tax liens for six months' worth of unpaid water bills." _____________________________________ We hear that threatened residents have a deadline of May 19th to get those bills paid or they will be taking a foreclosure risk. Some residents owe nearly -- read more at TheShadeRoom.Com!

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17. Vancouver’s drug problem is so bad that pigeons are making nests out of needles: police 

Pretty soon we're going to have rehab centers for pigeons.

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