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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn't always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1.  'The Drug Whisperer': Drivers arrested while stone cold sober 

Seriously, anything goes in America at this point.

2. People are printing out Sean Spicers and hiding them in bushes 

What's most absurd about this is that Sean Spicer actually hid in bushes. In real life. To avoid journalists.

3. Dakota Access pipeline has first leak before it's fully operational 

But by all means, keeping gassing and firehosing protesters.

4. Black actor in play about racism complains after police mistake him for drug dealer outside theatre 

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I just wish someone who thought the play was too "preachy" and over-dramatized the effects of racism saw that.

5. At LA airport's new private terminal, the rich can watch normal people suffer 

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I mean, what else would you do with your money?

6. Couples are turning extra IVF embryos into jewellery 

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To quote Titus: "What kind of white nonsense is this?"

7. Living man declared dead by IRS for 29 years resurrected by U.S. senator 

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Never underestimate the power of the senate.

8. Fyre Festival founder to staff: we can't pay you, but you can 'stay and help out' 

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This craptastic festival story just gets stranger and stranger.

9. President Trump Wants Gerald Ford Carriers to Use ‘Goddamned Steam’ Catapults Instead of ‘No Good’ Electromagnetic Launchers 

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"We gotta use catapults, they've gotta be yuge!"

10. Man who tricked women into having sex with promise of porn movie stardom pleads guilty 

View post on those videos are real?!

11. Drug users 'getting Winstoned' by new £5 note as they complain of cut noses when snorting cocaine 

Seriously, did no one beta-test with the coke fiends, first?

12. Texas Senate Passes ‘Baby Jail’ Bill Backed by Prison Company 

"If you don't stop crying this instant, ya infant..."

13. Nixon Library would like to remind everyone: Nixon didn’t fire an FBI director 

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There's officially a President more corrupt and villified than Richard Nixon. Rest easy, Dick, you're not the worst.

14. Human-sized rat trap used to stop campaign sign thefts 

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Please tell me they're made by Acme enterprises.

15. One way to battle future flooding: stop building on flood plains, say experts 

What flood plains!

Well...I mean...yeah...

16. Fire truck catches fire on the way to a call 

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Now it's living up to its name.

17. Tom Price commends West Virginia officers who arrested journalist asking questions 

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God forbid someone exercises their right to free speech.

18. Fearing Anti-Semitism, Some American Jews Are Reclaiming German Citizenship 

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Hail Hydra.

19. Man from Katy, TX who ordered prostitute discovers that she is his own wife

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The real question is, how much did she charge him?