Writer and comedian Zak Toscani is sharing what he claims to be a 100% true story that is unfolding in his office. One of his co-worker's got their lunch stolen—a common and extremely frustrating occurrence in the workplace. But the co-worker is not taking it lying down! He demanded to see the security tape, and everyone freaked out.
Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
First, Toscani got into the specifics. We need to know what was stolen to understand the severity of the crime:
The lunch in question was shrimp fried rice which means this escalates from a misdemeanor to felony no doubt— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
Case facts:— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
Lunch was in fridge for less than an hour before it vanished. No shrimp smell remnants in the microwave or kitchen area. This was a professional hit no doubt
The victim returned, carrying new knowledge:
HOLY SHIT. He’s back. He watched the tape. He knows who did it.— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
So the man who’s lunch was stolen sits across from me. The person who stole his lunch sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME! She left for the day before the investigation started— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
It turns out, the thief didn't even eat the food. The woman was caught on camera removing someone's lunch form the fridge and throwing it straight in the trash:
According to the video, this psychopath DIDNT EVEN EAT THE FOOD. She took it out of the fridge and threw and buried it in the trash— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
Her motives remain completely unknown. In lieu of what he saw on the tape he has decided to not to press the matter anymore. I can’t say I blame him. We don’t know what this women’s fully capable of— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
Points to clarify: he bought the shrimp fried rice around 11:30am (carry out) and put it in the fridge to chill until he takes lunch at noon. So she had exactly a 30min window of time to do what she did. There was no intention of microwaving the food— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
The guy whose lunch was trashed for no clear reason decided not to take the matter farther—but everyone in the office knows.
Update: Ok so when dude watched the video with HR they asked “what do you want to do about it?” he told them he was solely interested in who did it and that he didn’t want to be responsible for someone getting fired— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
After charges were dropped, HR sent a company wide email about not stealing people’s lunches. She is scheduled to arrive at work in 20min. My blood is on cocaine— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
And then the guilty party returned. Help, I'm too wound up by this story:
She has walked into the room. And the room is dead silent. Dead fucking silent yet there is a palpable explosive energy pulsing through everyone but her— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
From the moment she walked in, I’ve just been staring at her. Watched her open her email and now she clicked on the goddamn HR email! Holy fuck strap in - here we go!— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
I can’t move. I simply cannot move, anything could happen right now— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
And then after the perpetrator read the email from HR she played it off. I'm screaming!
!!!! After seeing the HR email she says out loud “woah. Someone stole a lunch? Who would do something like that?” !!! I may have to run out of this room— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
After she said that, shrimp guy responds “well yea it’s not ok to throw someone’s food away” we’re all about to start screaming— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
This shits about to get crazier. After he says that she goes “oh it was your lunch?” BEAT she continues “well why would you go to HR about that?!”— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
She has simultaneously denied her involvement AND called the guy who saved her job a snitch!!!!!!!!!— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
The situation is continuing, but it's unclear when it will boil to a head. Someone will eventually tell this woman that they all know. They all know she steals lunches for seemingly no reason.
Dude just sighed and went back to work after she said what she said. She looks frightwningly calm— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
I’ll keep updating if anything else occurs but all I can say is that EVERYONE in the office from the janitor to the founder knows what she did. She now carries an invisible scarlet letter— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
This is real. This is happening. We know who did it but we don’t know why. It’s a post production company so we’re in fact open today. She’s been sitting 3ft from me this whole time— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
How do you keep that a secret??
People are suggesting theories for why the two protagonists would behave this way:
The ghel who threw the lunch away has an affair with the guy who’s lunch was thrown— ⚡⚡Littest ⚡⚡⚡ (@Hareyke) March 30, 2018
1. Why would he defend her?
2. Why didn’t the guy ask her why she threw the lunch away
3. Something is going on between these two for her to be this calm
It's super obvious lol. They are having something that passive aggressiveness is not normal lol.— George Mithamo (@mithamosays) March 30, 2018
And sharing fond memories of busting other lunch thieves:
Last time, I posted a flyer: "Whoever took my lunch: It contains a high amount of dihydrogen monoxide for medical purposes. If you took it, see HR, no questions asked." The weasel we figured was the culprit showed up in HR and asked "hypothetically" what might happen to whoever..— leewah (@leewah) March 30, 2018
..ate it. The HR rep kept a poker face and said they would discuss "emergency services" only with the person who actually ate it. The weasel seemed like they were about to 'fess up but then slunk out. "Dihydrogen" = H2; "monoxide" = O. Cuz beef broccoli has a high water content.— leewah (@leewah) March 30, 2018
But most people want justice to be served!
The ending is kind of a let down, like an Independent film. I want a Hollywood ending. I want justice to be served!— Colleen (@More_than_Vikes) March 30, 2018
To be continued.
Update: The story still has no satisfying conclusion, but Toscani has wrapped it up as best he can:
Unbeknownst to the guy and the woman, I just ordered 3 shrimp fried rice plates for lunch and will be hand delivering them— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
She took the fried rice from me with a big smile on her face. She’s eating it and loving it. This is utter ruthlessness— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
I wish I could close this up with a neat little bow, but, it appears that we may never know why she did it. Maybe she doesn’t know she did it. Either way I’m now forced to work 40hrs a week next to a cold blooded individual— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
But one person is happy with the unsatisfying conclusion. Lin-Manuel Miranda.
I love this ending. I don't need to know why she did it, I enjoyed the ride.— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) March 30, 2018
Thanks for today.
Which is clearly the best conclusion Toscani could ask for: