These Kids’ Roasts of Their Parents Are Making The Whole Internet Laugh-Cry
It’s no surprise to anyone who’s ever had a child or even been one, that kids often say the craziest, most hilarious, most profound things. As the old adage goes, the truth does come from the mouths of babes.
Growing up, I remember a weekend my parents took me to the museum. I was excited, but also bored, even though I was seeing work by the most incredible artists at the Metropolitan Museum. I forget this part because I was so young, but I apparently pointed to a nude marble statue and said really loudly in a silent hall: "Dad! He's got a 'thing,' just like you!"
My parents were horrified but luckily everyone else in the museum shrugged and laughed it off. Whenever I hear about that instance, it always cracks me up, especially now that I'm older, because it reminds me that kids always speak their truths, no filter.
That's why this recent AskReddit about the most unintentionally hurtful thing you've heard kids say has been warming our hearts.
Scroll down to laugh, cry, and cherish the fact that kids say the most insane things.
1. This chilly Lion King viewer
When my daughter was 5, I let her watch The Lion King. She's a fairly emotional little thing, so we were concerned about how she'd react to the death of the father.
We get to the scene, and I'm watching her carefully, but there's no big reaction... this is a kid who cries during some commercials. Anyways, I don't beg the issue and let it roll. Later in the movie she asks where Simba's dad is, and I think, "here we go".
I pause the movie and talk with her about how he died in the stampede. Her reaction...
"What's the big deal, he still has his mom"
2. The birthday un-inviter
My almost 3-year-old twins often tell me I'm not invited to their birthday party.
3. This proposal rescinder
I always said I was gonna marry my mom when I was like 3 because I didn't know what marriage was. Whenever I got mad I used to yell "I'm not gonna marry you anymore" and my mom just laughed.
4. This wrestling fan
This didn't necessarily hurt my feelings but once I was watching pro-wrestling with my 11-year-old. There's a female who is heavier, when she came out my son gets all excited and says "Look mom, she's like you. Her face is skinny but when you zoom out she's not!" He didn't understand how that would be a rude comment, he thought he was saying something nice lol.
5. Kid Rock's kid
Kid Rock said once that he took his kid and a friend to the movie theater. His son and the friend didn’t want to sit next to him because it’s uncool to sit with your dad. Then it hit him, every person in that theater would love to sit next to Kid Rock, except his son. Which means he must be parenting correctly.
6. The mathematician
5yo: "You're old!"
Me: "I'm not that old (with a slight tone of indignation). How old do you think I am?".
5yo: "The last number."
7. The young fitness fan
I was sitting with my brother, parents, and nephew eating dinner one night when my brother asked me, "Have you thought about hitting up the gym?" I asked "Was that a fat joke?" and my nephew (3 at the time) turned straight to me and said "You're a fat joke."
8. This small sartorialist
4 y/o: "Are you a mommy?"
Me: "Nope, I'm just friends with your mommy."
4 y/o: "Oh.... (quietly) But you have an ugly purse like a mommy."
9. The Genovia afficionado
My little cousin said to me once "you look like Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries, before she has her makeover"....
10. This calculating little monster
My kid in first grade had writing/drawing assignments every day.
Thursday: Why do you love your Mom? Because she hugs me.
Friday: Why do you love your Dad? Because he buys me stuff.
11. This mad scientist
This is my mom's favorite story about me as a kid.
Rumblith, what you making with the Play-Doh?
A pizza for [Kindergarten teacher]
Oh that's nice. What kind of pizza are you making her?
12. The father-daughter ditcher
I don’t know if these happen all over the country... but in the south they have these “Father/Daughter” dances in elementary school. I always thought they were ridiculous and a little creepy so I had zero interest in ever going to one...but I have daughters so I knew there was a chance I would end up at one of these abominations at some point. I never made my opinion known to my girls...just something I would gripe to my wife about from time to time.
My oldest daughter came home one day with a flier for the Daddy-Daughter dance and she was pumped to go. I thought to myself “great here we go...” but I sucked it up and pretended to be just as enthused as she was to go. I was dreading it... but honestly I would endure much worse to see my girls happy.
A couple of days before the dance my daughter asked my wife to take her to get a nice dress and shoes. My wife told me later that I really need to take this seriously because it was all she had been talking about for a week. I figured I would go along with it and if she was going to look great...dammit so was I!
So I went out and bought myself a nice outfit for the affair complete with shoes and everything. I rarely buy myself anything so I just knew the gesture of her seeing me wearing new clothes would give her a big kick on the day of. I hid my clothes so they would be a surprise.
The more excited she got the more I looked forward to it. Maybe I had judged the dance too harshly and it’s nice to go out and have fun with your daughter. It started to dawn on me that maybe we don’t do enough together and it made me feel like I really need to spend more time bonding with her. I felt like maybe I was kind of a sh--ty dad and this dance would be the beginning of turning over a new leaf. I found myself actually excited for this g-d damn dance...I couldn’t believe it.
The day of I rush home and get all ready and then I come out and she’s dressed super nice and she’s beaming when she sees my new outfit. Mom took a bunch of pictures and we were all set for a great time.
We arrived at the dance and I’m looking at all the other dads in jeans and tee shirts and I’m thinking...”Ha! My kid must be so proud of her dad!” We go into the gym we’re music was playing and everyone was congregating.
I give my daughter a giant hug and say “I’m so happy we came!” She says to me “Oh hey that’s my friend over there I’m going to say hi!”
My daughter never came back the rest of the dance.
I stood there on the wall watching every other dad in jeans and a T-shirt dance with their daughters and mine never did. She didn’t say a word to me just hung out with her friends. When her friends went to dance with their dads she just hung out with whoever wasn’t at the time.
I stood there in my outfit listening to song after song embarrassed and sad. The longer the dance went on and the more songs meant to be about dads and their daughters...the sadder I got. To the point at the end I was fighting back tears.
I had stood in the same place for two hours because I didn’t want to move in case she came looking for me. But she never did. At the end of the night she told me about how much fun she had with her friends.
I tried my best to act like I had fun too...she was completely oblivious as to me being a wall flower the whole night sad I was forgotten. When I got home I went to my room and locked the door and cried.
She had no idea she was hurting me that night. And I kept it that way.
It’s not the best memory.
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
Oh wow I did not see this coming! Thank you to the people who gilded this and thank you to everyone who sent me kind messages and shared their own stories that were similar to mine.
So I thought I would come back add some things and answer a few of the common questions.
The next day, while I was away at work, my wife sat down with my daughter and explained to her what had happened the night before. She told her that she had been a little thoughtless and maybe next time to be mindful that some people are willing to sacrifice their own happiness for others. And that I was happy she had a great time, but that I felt a little left out.
This is the EXACT reason I did not let on I was sad...or guilted her into feeling bad for me at the time.
I had a very mentally abusive stepfather. His constant insults and manipulation turned me into a passive adult who is so concerned about pleasing everyone else, who many times, goes without and have little regard for my wants of needs.
Because of how I am...I know the value of not raising a shrinking violet. I let her run off and have fun with her friends...because that was her version of fun for the night. I didn’t “ask her to dance” because I didn’t want to embarrass her in front of her friends...or have her dance with me out of obligation. I kept my sadness to myself because I didn’t want to saddle her with guilt after she had such a fun night. These are all things that would have happened to me as a child and I am terrified of raising a woman unable to stand on her own two feet. Me being sad for one night...or 100 nights for that matter...is worth it if I have raised a confident woman who goes after her own happiness and doesn’t live her life making everyone else happy, like I have.
My child is not a robot. She has feelings and understands empathy. Making her feel sh--ty that she didn’t hang out with me at a silly dance doesn’t teach her a lesson about something doesn’t already understand. It creates cause for her to second guess herself next time she is in a similar situation. Next time she might say to herself “I wish I could hang out with my friends...but I’ll stay close to my dad because I hurt his feelings.last time.” Or “I would really like to do this...but I’m afraid of doing that because I don’t want to upset someone.” Which could lead to a lifetime of “I’m so unhappy in this marriage...but I want my spouse and kids to be happy.”
There is something to be said for raising children...especially girls...with a strong sense of self. I want my girls to be independent and live a balanced life.
Me making a big deal and making my kid feel guilty on the drive home, in my eyes, would have been selfish. I wasn’t about to crap on her fun night because her dad was bummed out. I let her have her fun night and we talked after the fact about what happened. That way she got her good memory...and understands to be more mindful next time. IMO that was the best way to handle it.
We talked the next day and she apologized. We hugged it out and everything is okay. She is 15 now and this happened 5-6 years ago. We have a great relationship and I fully understand she didn’t do it intentionally and that she was just a kid having a blast that night. I was just caught up in my own feelings.
But second my daughter...knowing the story and being sensitive like her father...was glued to my side the entire night when we went to her dance. I actually had to tell her to go have fun. We danced a few times and then I knelt down to her and told her to go play with her friends and have a good time! That was a much better night.
My third daughter's dance will most likely be his year... and I’m looking forward to that one too!
13. The young poet
Worked as a camp counselor for kids with special needs. This boy with autism got in trouble for back talking, so he and I went to the big boss to talk things through. Nobody spoke, until the boy blurted "If a--holes could fly, this place would be an airport." I had to leave the room because I was trying not to laugh.
14. The ambitious feminist
My cousin's 2 year old came twirling in a dress and declared, "I'm a princess!"
My cousin went, "You know honey, princesses are supposed to be nice and sweet. You can't be rude anymore and you have to stop shouting at people!"
The kid immediately screamed, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A PRINCESS!!!"
So my cousin asked her what she wanted to be, and she immediately replied with, "The boss."
15. These tragic brats
I'm a very old dude who usually lurks reddit. I made an account to comment on this post.
I wish I could say I had a lot of influence in the raising of my girls but that wasn't the way that things turned out. I did a lot of dumb sh-t, as did my ex wife. She was in prison for a stint, and I was in and out of prison throughout my daughters lives. My younger two daughters were raised by my ex's dad, while my oldest daughter was raised by my dad. Their lives were polar opposites that is for sure. My ex's family came from money, our family had money and lost it all. We lived in about as much damn poverty as is possible. Rock bottom. Didn't help I wasn't around to contribute much.
I wasn't allowed to see my two younger girls much. Their grandpa hated my guts. I understood that. I did not understand the way they treated my dad. He was the most hardworking and honest man I ever knew. If something was broke, he was over there at your house with tools to fix it without even needing to ask. Never was late to anything in his life.
I remember we had all the girls over once for Fourth of July. We were grilling up some burgers on a brand new grill. Spent more than we should have on this, but we didn't see them all together very often. A lot of whining on my two younger girls' part. They'd rather go to McDonalds, we had Mr. Pibb instead of Dr. Pepper, and so on. But what got me was when one of my younger daughters said, "We want to go home, your house is dirty and [oldest daughter] doesn't have any good toys!" I'm damn glad my dad was almost deaf at that point, because hearing that would have broken his heart. My oldest daughter did hear though. She was about 8 at this time. I'll never forget the look on her face. There weren't any tears, or embarrassment. She just looked blank. Staring off into space.
There were other stories and moments like those. Too long to write. Eventually my two younger daughters changed their last name from mine to their grandpa's. They stopped accepting contact from my dad and me. Presents for birthdays and Christmas were returned.
The feel good part of the story comes from my oldest. She's an adult now. I knew when she was little that her other grandpa and sisters were bribing her. With toys and with their nice house. She would come home and tell my dad or me if I was around. The response I had at that time was, "Is that so?" No more, no less. I did get up the courage to ask her why she stayed with dad instead of going to live with her sisters, when she was older....
She said to me, "I felt like Papa had nothing else to live for. I wanted to stay because I knew he loved me and needed me around. I loved him too, he was always trying his hardest up until the day he died. I knew even back then that was more honest than people who gave me new toys and would ask me if I would rather live with them." I feel like I have to point out that my dad lost all his money because he spent hundreds of thousands trying to save my Mom. Diabetic coma. I was in prison at the time and they wouldn't let me out to say good bye. He spent all the money we had and sold the lake house trying to keep her alive. After she passed, he was a shell of a man. The only time I did see him even remotely smile after that was when he was looking after my oldest.
So what she said hit me deep, let me tell you... She is my pride and joy. I wish I could have given her more but I know my dad made up for it even though there wasn't much to give. She appreciated everything even as a kid. She's smart as a whip. Got a full ride scholarship. Taught me how to use the internet and type on the keyboard. She was hit by my dad's death hard. Harder than me maybe. But she is strong. Pretty. Even though I let her down she's always been there for me. Through my heart disease. My damn broken hip. I lost my balance and hit my head pretty hard a few years ago and she flew out here to take care of me. A lot of hell in our lives but she beat all the odds.
My other daughters.. well. They would like to pretend I'm not their dad. I know I will get pissed on for saying so, but the feeling is mutual. I feel like given every opportunity they have managed to squander and waste it. They are entitled brats. The way they treated my daughter, my dad.. I know my oldest was trying to get close to them. Sh-t hit the fan when they came asking what they got out of my dad's will after he died. He had nothing but the house we lived in and the clothes on his back. Gave every damn dime to raise my oldest. They returned every present and letter he ever sent them and they come asking for hand outs? I've never seen my oldest daughter snap until that moment. Guess she managed to get my temper after all.
I know I didn't have much influence in any of my kid's lives. Maybe I have no right to be proud. So I thank my dad who sacrificed everything for my daughter. Thank you for raising her to be a damned good woman. Also thanks to anyone who wasted the time to read this old guy's ramblings.
We miss you Dad, R.I.P.
16. This musical grinch
Every morning as a kid I always woke up to the sound of my mom singing. It was her way of "wake up it's time for school." I'd sometimes wait beside my door or pretend to sleep just to listen to her more. When I was 10, I was in a bad mood and my mom was singing while driving, I yelled at her "stop singing! you don't even sound good." She stopped singing after that.
17. This little girl with a masterful save
Less than a month after having a baby, my 6 year old asked me if I was going to start working out so my belly would go down. I said “thanks...” and she said “no not in a mean way, I just want to hug you closer.”