History always seemed like a boring subject when I was a kid because who the heck wants to learn about a bunch of people who died a long time ago? What does that have to do with my current problems, like how am I going to get my Dad to buy me a Dreamcast?
A brilliant friend of mind once said that history should serve one purpose: to scare you. Because anyone in history who attained truly great things and was happy had to go out of their minds to do it. And I completely agree with that. But let's be honest, most people won't do that.
So the next best thing I guess is to use history to make some pretty dope memes, like these people did.
1. Don't do it Romulus!
If you wanna know the history of Romulus and Remus, it gets pretty weird right from the beginning. I mean these dudes were apparently nursed by a wolf, so I kind of believe that this meme is exactly how things went down.
2. Why Carthage, of all places?
I only know Carthage because that hype man from Gladiator mentioned the city in the battle horde scene where Maximus is outgunned and he and the slaves re-write history as the Carthaginians. It's pretty dope actually.
3. Mummies need to get over themselves.
First of all you're dead, and second of all, only two of the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies were actually good that third one with dragon Jet-Li was so awful so don't act like you're above getting your bandages used to butt-relief.
4. Geography is weird.
But I'll tell you this much - I would've loved it a heck of a lot more if they made it more about identifying animals and less about cities and capitals and all that boring stuff.
5. It's all about salting those fields.
Legend has it the fields of Carthage were salted so nothing would ever grow there again, effectively making the place inhabitable. Who would fight for salted land? No one.
6. That giant horse story always seemed kinda dumb to me.
The Trojan horse had to be an inside job. Who the heck looks at a giant wooden horse and is like, yeah sure thing let's wheel it into our city.
7. So true.
News flash: the Hunger Games was never cool. It was for like a second and then once the second movie dropped you were like, "OK this is played out" and then they dragged out the third book-movie into a two-parter and you stopped watching them in theaters and just waited for them to stream then fell asleep.
8. The nerd in class who did this...
Talk about social outcast, right? I was a teacher's pet and even I wouldn't do this nonsense. Clean up the classroom? Sure. But there's a difference between being a pet and a narc.
9. The Greek and Roman gods loved puns.
Their most favorite children's author used them all the time. His name was Dr. Zeus.
10. Memes have always been around.
Would've been even better if it was a three-headed doge. Cerberus pupper, wow Hades, much loyalty.
11. The problem with this...
Is that I just read it all as a bunch of nouns. Bird river food dinner water fork...like what're you trying to tell me, Cleo?
12. Puns on puns on puns.
I always wondered where the word "knight" came from. I mean if you want to believe this bit of history, you could, but I think this meme provides the real answer.
13. Hate when that happens.
You know maybe if the 300 Spartans had that extra guy who didn't run back to turn his oven off, they could've held off the Persians for an extra day or two.
14. Bubonic Plague.
Was it tragic? Yes, but also full of hilarious examples of people who don't use methodology or any real knowledge to troubleshoot an issue. Like a bunch of people got spooked out by black cats as the cause of the disease so they started murdering them en masse. Which only helped the rats breed and spread the plague more. You can only write this stuff.
15. Anubis is the G
Legend has it that there are two types of kids: Greek mythology nerds and Egyptian mythology nerds. I have to be honest I was never really into Egyptology, but if I saw this meme when I was younger, I think I would've felt differently.
Imagine being a total psychopath and getting to rule the greatest civilization of all time. Of course you'd play a fiddle while the city burned, who cares? You've got bigger things to worry about, like which one of the gods is trying to hoodwink you into eating a porcupine so they can sleep with your wife.
17. We don't do geography in the US
Seriously, I didn't have a geography class in public school growing up. I probably couldn't even name 20 state capitals off the top of my head, and half of the ones I could are probably wrong if we're being honest.
18. Robert E. Lee
I often think about the one dude who invested heavily in the confederacy and then had a bunch of dollars sitting around in a treasure chest somewhere. Like, how did he feel once it was announced that the game was up? Must feel like those peeps who invested heavily in Bitcoin now.
19. Oh Henry...
Imagine being the friend of someone who was set to marry Henry VIII after his first two or three marriages? Like what do you say to them? What do you put in the card? "Hey hope you aren't publicly executed! XOXO you guys are perfect!"
20. Shout out to the feudal system.
Talk about a process that made sure the dons stayed in power. They were basically like little organized gangs and everyone was repping their colors and going to contests to flex how great they were.
21. Kids these days.
I keep thinking of Anthony Hopkins from that horrible Noah movie, digging for berries when the flood is coming. It's like, What're you doing old man? Just get on the boat, Dude loved his berries.
22. Famine's never funny.
But it is sort of insane that I get to live in a day and age where there's so much food that it's actually a problem. Seriously, have you ever sat in a Cheesecake Factory and just felt overwhelmed by how much is going on there? It's wild.
23. Henry VIII
To say that this guy had problems with women would be a real understatement. Now usually, when guys have girl problems in this day and age they either blog angrily about it and upvote men-inist memes on Reddit, or create Facebook. But when you're an English king, you do crazy things like murder and create a new religion.
24. Julius Caesar
On the real though, that must really suck when you get backstabbed by someone who you thought was your boy. I still haven't forgotten the time I shard donuts with this kid I was cool with in the second grade, and he didn't return the favor the following week. Jerk.
25. Franklin Delano COOLsevelt
FDR's "New Deal" brought about a string of new public programs designed to protect U.S. citizens, but, like anything you can't charge people for, it had its critics. Not that it bothered FDR, hence the sunglasses.
26. No kings here.
Fun fact: they tried making Washington king of the United States, to which he (probably) said, "I think you mother$*#!ers are missing the point of this whole English liberation thing."
27. Puns + History
Go together like communism and American political alarmism. Or communism and famine.
28. Foreclosures suck...
But getting your entire way of life foreclosed on is even worse.
Oh yes, they went there. Man, historical memes can be so brutal.
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