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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week
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Updated 1 year ago
Donald Trump too hard to satirise, say South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone
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 They should parody him by making him an actually good President in the show. 

Virginia used to have an official groundhog; it killed itself on Groundhog Day
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 He won't take part in your insulting ceremonies. 

Police station fumigated after men caught in store sex act, report says.
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 "It smells like sex in here. Oh well, only one way to fix that." 

'Tinder for orangutans': zoo lets female primate choose mate using tablet
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This Dunston Checks In sequel should've never been produced by Cinemax. 

Woman won't stop spending at Kmart, boyfriend complains
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The craziest part about this headline is that there are still K-Marts around. 

Man charged with stealing Roll Up The Rim Tim Hortons cups
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 You gotta win those prizes any way that you can. 

Workington police blow up 'suspicious' car parked by fellow officers
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 This is why communication is very, very important ladies and gentlemen. 

Good Samaritan offers man a ride, winds up 'getaway driver' in Columbia bank heist
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No good deed goes unpunished. 

Man shot cat that 'looked at him like it owned the place'
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Listen, I'm not condoning violence against animals, but I totally get where this guy is coming from. 

Johnny Depp spent $3 million blasting Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes out of a cannon, ex-managers claim in lawsuit
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 Hey it's his money, he can do what he want with it. That's a good friend right there. 

Oldest Prostate Stones Ever Found Suggest a Man Was in Agony 12,000 Years Ago
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Doesn't help him now, does it? 

Five years of 'no dinners out, no entertainment, no sports' for two company execs who evaded taxes.
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 You mean, jail? 

Neither Donald Trump nor Sean Spicer Seem to Know That Frederick Douglass Is Dead
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 "He plays for the Bucks, right?" 

Denis Leary acknowledges he looks exactly like Kellyanne Conway, eyes Oscar-winning role
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 Would be the funniest thing he's ever done since the a**hole song. 

New DC comic reinvents Snagglepuss as 'Gay Southern Gothic Playwright'
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 If anyone wants to get me a gift, please get me this. 

Man's daily vodka intake calcified his pancreas
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 I've been wondering when/how they were going to reboot this character. 

Police commissioner all smiles after domestic violence arrest
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Poor soul, he thinks that just because the President could get away with treating women like sh*t that he can too. 

Clean energy subsidies could be used to build new coal power plants, Scott Morrison says
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Yeah I mean, coal's super clean, even canaries can breathe it in. That's why miners would bring them down in the tunnels so much.

In corruption-riddled Romania, officials now allow room for modest abuses
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They should call it "the partial scumbag" initiative. 

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