I was probably 10 years old when my grandma took me to see CATS on Broadway. I have never forgiven her. I was 14 or 15 when I was forced to endure the stage production again, that time for a friend's birthday outing. We're not in touch anymore. I have already been traumatized by CATS enough for two lifetimes, but unlike cats, humans only get one.
So I knew how terrifying the new CATS movie would be. The second trailer for the Christmas-released horror show has arrived on the internet, and the good news is that it's the second-worst thing I've ever seen in my life. The first was the initial CATS trailer, which was just such a shock to the system that I haven't been able to talk about it since.
Of course, I'm not alone in thinking that we must all be the butt of an elaborate joke. The CATS source material itself is insane. It's a musical about cats each presenting their case to die and go to cat heaven. It doesn't exactly scream "joyful Christmas viewing," especially not when the cats are humans with digitally-enhanced fur and CGI tails protruding from their bums.
Please come with me on a journey through a chronological list of the creepiest moments from the second CATS trailer, if only because it's a valuable exercise in conquering your fears.
BAM! It's Taylor Swift in cat form.
Let's take this opportunity to talk about how the cats in CATS have cat ears and cat fur and cat tails but human faces, human eyebrows, human hands and feet, and human, um, anatomical parts. I never thought I'd have to write this sentence, but here we are: Cats should not have human breasts.
James Corden plays a tuxedo cat (that is, a cat wearing an actual tuxedo) named Bustopher Jones. But there's more of him later. This particular shot highlights the uncanny universe in which these cats reside. That is, presumably, a cat door, through which a regular-sized cat could slink. But it looks as if about three Bustophers could fit inside that cat door at one time.
Are these cats real cat sized? Are they smaller? Are they bigger? In varied shots, they seem to be all three. I'm nauseous just from the size of the world changing seventeen times in two minutes and thirty seconds.
Well, this is obviously a feral cat infestation. Who know what diseases they're spreading? Is there a shelter in town that can take them in and stop them from singing?