Little kids are the funniest people on the planet. The most seasoned stand-up comedian, the most talented wordsmith, has absolutely nothing on a little kid who has learned the word "butt." There is just no competition. And the Twitter account @KidsWriteJokes knows this. The account posts jokes that were actually submitted by small children. Word for word, not a thing changed. And let me tell you, these jokes are the most brilliant things you'll read all day.
Sure, some of them may not make sense. But that doesn't matter. You can hear the excitement in each kid's voice when you read the punchlines, and that's priceless. Plus, kids have not yet been corrupted by logic, so they come up with some genuinely bonkers and hilarious stuff. Without further ado, brilliant jokes written by hilarious children...
I mean, yeah. Why else would a worm eat a nut? Worms generally eat dirt, I think, but you have no idea how many bugs and stuff have died in that dirt. It's probably so many bugs. If you're a vegan worm, your diet is subsequently quite limited.
It's true! Eight does look stupid compared to zero! What is eight? A zero with a belt on? I mean, come on! Get it together, eight.
Now, this is a good joke, sure, but more than that, this is just solid advice. When a pigeon poops on your nose, literally or figuratively, you poop on that pigeon's nose with no regrets.
If you were to show me a picture of a poo on roller skates and ask me to describe it in three words, first I would ask, "Why are you showing this to me?" and then I would say, "Big, brown, and weird."
Deep down inside, I am Eatman. I am Eatman, and I am here to eat all the snacks. No matter how crunchy, no matter how salty, no matter how sweet... If you have food for me, I will eat it until it is no more. Some call me a hero. I just call me "hungry."
It's not often you see the multiple-choice joke, and I just have to say I like it. It has so many layers! You're like, option A doesn't have five toes. And option B doesn't either! What will the answer be? Probably something with five toes, because of the question and all. But alas, expectations subverted! Nothing has five toes! Who would have thought? It's a good one.
I love this so much. It's one of those jokes where the answer is so obvious and perfect that you never would have thought of it on your own. And now I'm picturing sunny-side up eggs floating through the galaxy.
Look, chickens have rights, too. There was an amenment, and now it's not only impolite, but it's also illegal to question a chicken about its reasons for crossing the road. Just let the chicken be.
You see, this joke is funny because it claims to know "the only one thing" Batman is scared of, but then it reveals that in fact, Batman is afraid of two things. The Joker is scary y'all, so I get it! But bats are sweet little creatures. For example, here is a video of an adorable bat eating watermelon.
This makes sense to me. Crabs have that hard outer shell that really prevents them from opening up and being vulnerable with other sea creatures. Crabs shouldn't be so tough on the outside. All crabs should be more like soft-shell crabs.
Come on! Buttzilla. It doesn't get any funnier than this. Everybody knows that the first rule of comedy is wherever you can replace a word with "butt," do it. Gets 'em every single time.
This is one of the most hilarious visuals I have imagined in a long time. Just thinking about Pete bursting into the office, out of breath being like, "Sorry everybody. I left myself enough time and everything this morning. Can you believe the wind blew my pants off? I almost got hit by a car trying to retrieve them! Anyway, here are the fourth quarter projections."
This joke is definitely missing a piece, so it sounds like the stoned ramblings of a freshman philosophy major who just smoked weed for the first time. And I am here for it! Yeah, man! Stories are books, books are buildings, we're all just stories, man!
This is airtight logic in my book. Haven't you ever been walking around a farm and the farmer was like, "That's Douglas. We don't eat him because he wears an ascot"? I thought we've all had that experience.
This is absurd in the best way possible. But it also strangely makes a lot of sense. Coconuts are brown and hairy. A coconut on holiday probably loves being on holiday. Plus, coconuts are like, the tropical holiday fruit.
This is genius! If you put glitter in normal water, you get sparkling water! It may not sparkle in the way you think sparkling water sparkles, but there is no doubt that it will sparkle.
There is a war on Christmas, and it's being helmed by angry turkeys who do not want to be eaten. I don't blame them. For two months out of every years, we absolutely go ham on turkeys (get it?), eating thousands and thousands of the poor birds. But honestly, it's their fault for being so delicious.
This is a devastating insult, one from which no one would easily recover. Yes, I am so old I've broken in half. In fact, new pieces of me are breaking every day. So thanks for the reminder of my mortality, kid.
Mr. Stu sounds veryyyy familiar, doesn't he? Hmm... a stupid man who broke the whole building and became president? And probably continued to break the things that were already broken? Yes, there's something very familiar about this premise.
I love straightforward questions and answers presented as jokes. It's one of my favorite things. Like, of course that's why his name is Doctor Strange! It just makes sense. Why else would that be his name?
OMG I live for this sort of gossip. Are we talking about Lena Dunham? Because like, girl, I know. Oh, different Lena? Well, I am sure she's also the worst. Lenas just all seem like the worst.
This might not be the most efficient or neat option, but it sure is a funny visual! Funnier than, say, the piccolo, which would actually make way more sense to use as a toothbrush.
Ouch. This is quite the burn. I suggest applying a layer of aloe, a layer of gauze, and a mask over your face (because you're ugly). Call me in the morning if you're still scorched.
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