In a time of great upheaval and unrest, Ander Christensen of Lincoln, Nebraska decided he couldn't take it anymore. He marched right up to the city council and made an impassioned plea.
But for what? Well, Ander wants to rename "boneless chicken wings." Because they are "just chicken tenders," and we have to be better for our children, for future generations of saucy bar snack consumers. And his logic is flawless.
After introducing himself to the council, Ander begins his speech. "Lincoln has the opportunity to be a social leader in this country," he says, "and casually ignoring a problem that has gotten so out of control that our children are throwing around names and words without even understanding their true meaning, treating things as though they're normal.
"I go into nice family restaurants and I see people throwing this name around and pretending as though everything is just fine. I'm talking about boneless chicken wings." At this point, he's interrupted by someone in the crowd, but eventually he continues.
"I propose that we as a city remove the name 'boneless wings' from our menus and from our hearts. These are reasons why: Number one: Nothing about boneless chicken wings actually come from the wing of a chicken. We would be disgusted if a butcher was mislabeling their cuts of meats, but then we go around pretending as though the breast of the chicken is its wing?"
I mean, he is correct. "Number two," he continues, "boneless chicken wings are just chicken tenders, which are already boneless. I don't go and order boneless tacos. I don't go and order boneless club sandwiches. I don't ask for boneless auto repair. It's just what's expected.
"Number three: We need to raise our children better," he then says. This is where it gets serious. "Our children are raised being afraid of having bones attached to their meat. That's where meat comes from. It grows on bones. We need to teach them that the wing of a chicken is from a chicken, and it's delicious.
"I propose that we rename boneless wings in the city of Lincoln. We can call them Buffalo Style Chicken Tenders. We can call them Wet Tenders. We can call them Saucy Nuggs or Trash." A few more names I'll just quickly throw in for consideration: Buffalo Balls, Chicken Chews, or Wings for Wusses. I'm fine with any of them.
Ander concludes his rant: "We can take these steps and show the country where we stand, and that we understand that we've been living a lie for far too long, and we know it because we feel it in our bones."
How the few people sitting in the chamber didn't get up and give him a standing ovation, I'll never know. It was perhaps the greatest political speech ever given.
Boneless chicken wings are a lie, and if we are committed to leaving this world in a better place than we found it, we have to come together and call boneless chicken wings something else. Or better yet... Get rid of them altogether. They've got nothing on the real deal.
At the end of the video, as Ander walks off, a man sitting on the council gathers everyone's attention. "I would like to just comment here," he says. "For the record, that's my son."