I have an embarrassingly bad memory. It's so awful that sometimes folks will be telling a funny story that I was involved in, and I'll be able to take it all in with the freshest of ears. No one will laugh harder than me, the person hearing a story for the first time after already living it. I recently "lost" my car in a parking lot of a Wegmans and was convinced it was stolen. Please don't ask me to recall anything I've read.
Despite my near crippling forgetfulness, I have never wandered away from the kitchen when I was in the midst of preparing a meal. Something in my brain must recognize the danger in doing that. Obviously when it doesn't remember where my car is, that's just my brain pulling a cool prank on me. Maybe it's because I live alone, unlike one man whose wife stumbled upon an unattended turkey burger cooking in the kitchen. Maybe that guy's body wanted him to go get some ground beef.
Guess this guy had better things to do.
Abbie-Jean, who appropriately goes by @abbie__jean on TikTok, was doing her makeup in another room when she smelled something cooking in the kitchen. "Boys are crazy," she says in a video while gesturing to a lone turkey burger patty cooking itself in a frying pan, on the stove.
Abbie-Jean calls turkey burgers "sawdust burgers" on account of the fact that they taste just like sawdust. This checks out! "He put it on the stove and then he just went outside," she explained as a symphony of greasy popping sounds can be heard in the background.
Suddenly her face changes dramatically. "His truck just started," explains Abbie-Jean. "He forgot about this." What could he possibly be doing? Perhaps he's playing a game of chicken, or in this case turkey, wherein he forgot something at the store but didn't want to take the turkey burger off the heat so he risked burning the house down. Seems like something a dude might do!
The way Abbie-Jean sees it, she has two options. "Should I flip it or let it burn?" she asks. If it were me, I would throw the whole thing out but hide the evidence. When the husband inevitably asks about it, play dumb! It's victimless gaslighting.
"The power I hold," teases Abbie-Jean as she contemplates the fate of the lone turkey burger. "It's on low-medium," says Abbie-Jean before shaking the frying pan to see if the turkey burger is stuck. Sadly the video ends with Abbie-Jean asking people if she should flip or let it burn. Will we ever know?
In a follow-up TikTok, while wearing a Grinch shirt, Abbie-Jean revealed she flipped the burger. Not flipping the burger would have been very on brand for the Grinch though, at least until his heart grew bigger. Abbie-Jean is just too nice.
While Abbie-Jean is probably a nice person, the real reason for the burger flipping season was due to a comment left on the original TikTok. "You don't want your house smelling like burnt sawdust burger," said one person. They aren't wrong!
Believe it or not, the most shocking part of this entire experience isn't the fact that a human being turned on a stove, placed a turkey burger on it, then wandered away to do God knows what. It's the fact that in every video Abbie-Jean had a southern accent until she dropped in the update. I flipped out!
By the way, her husband did this a second time. I'm starting to wonder if this is some sort of bizarre prank, or his manipulative attempt to get his wife to make food for him? Either way, I'm realizing that everything sounds far more delightful with a southern accent. Who knew?