20 Funny Tweets About the Harsh Realities of Married Life

Robin Zlotnick - Author

Sep. 19 2019, Updated 2:58 p.m. ET

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Source: ABC

Married life is magical and wonderful and not at all the Disney princess romantic dream you think it's going to be. Sure, Ariel and Prince Eric got married and the wedding was beautiful, but if we were to cut to a year later, we'd see Ariel screaming at Eric from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper because he didn't replace it the last time he used it. These 20 tweets will be too real (and funny!) for anyone who really knows what married life is like.

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This is very true. Going to a furniture store without your own tape measure or measurements of your home beforehand is amateur hour. If you're married or have been in a long-term relationship with someone you live with, you know the right way to shop for furniture. It's to descend on IKEA with eagle-like precision. 


The thing about most dudes is that use toilet paper less than half the time they use the bathroom. They may not realize just how life-altering bad toilet paper can be for a person. There are many things it's OK to skimp on in life. Toilet paper is not one of them.

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This is the story of my life! If your husband is worth staying married to, he will give you the grilled cheese he just made and then go make himself another. At the very least, he should make you one after he finishes his. 

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This is love. One of my favorite activities is popping my partner's pimples. True intimacy isn't always about sexy stuff. Sometime it's about grooming. Monkeys do this, and so do humans who are in love.

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Here's the thing, though. Once it's folded, you don't mess with it. There's nothing romantic about ruining half an hour of work. This would totally ruin the mood. Sexy times should be reserved for when the laundry is done and put away.

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I don't understand why this is true, but it 100 percent is. Maybe the sneezes get louder. Maybe you're starting to get more sensitive to noises. Whatever the reason, this is the realest statement I have ever read.

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I can confirm that this happens even before you're married. When my fiancé swears we did something or went somewhere that I have no memory of, I say he must have done that with his other girlfriend, "Bobin." 

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This is so real, though. If I buy a snack I know my fiancé will like, I have to hide it from him so I can get one bite before he finishes it off in a single session. There have been so many times where I'm like, "Where are the chips I bought yesterday?!" and he's like, "...oops."

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This goes both ways, too. Often, I hear myself responding with "Uh huhs" or "Rights" when my partner is talking, and then I realize I'm not listening at all and I have to play catch up. He does the same with me though, so we're even.

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Luckily, my partner and I are probably in bed by 10:20 every night, but we still have this problem. Usually, it's like, 9:30 and he turns to me and asks, "One more episode?" and I am already passed out on the couch, drooling on a pillow. 

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The longer you're with the person, the more easily you are able to identify the sources of their breath and belches and other bodily functions. "That's a chicken wing burp!" I'll say, or, "Ooh, I know a dairy fart when I hear one."

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"But the green would go with the curtains and wouldn't clash with the carpet! What are you thinking?!" It's amazing how much of your adult life becomes seriously arguing about things you would have been ashamed to have an opinion on ten years earlier.

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This is such a dramatic whirlwind of a story. I feel for this couple. He messed up by putting the popcorn maker in the oven, where it's probably never been before. She messed up by preheating the oven without checking to make sure nothing was in the oven because they don't ever store anything in there. And now their oven is ruined, as are their conversations for the next month.

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As your partner, I expect you to know every detail about how my body is feeling at every moment of the day, including during sex, and I expect the same information from you. This is what true love entails, people!

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When you are married to someone, that means they have publicly declared their love for you. It is your responsibility not to look like a total doofus, which in turn would make the partner who chose to be with you look dumb as well. 

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What a sneaky trick! I would be so mad if I found out my partner was doing this to me, but also this is 100 percent something I would and will do to my partner the next chance I get. So I don't know what to tell you. I'm a monster.

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If you are in a relationship with someone or even just good friends with someone, it is your obligation to discreetly and politely tell them when they have something in their teeth. Signed, someone who always has something stuck in her teeth

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I'm sorry. You may love your partner more than any other human being in the world. But dog love? It's unconditional. A dog will never be mean to you or avoid doing the dishes or forget to buy you chocolate on their way home from work.

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I don't know, but keep your damn hands to yourself! I grew up with a brother so I always had to watch my food like a hawk, and I thought that would be over forever when I moved out, but then, like an idiot, I chose to move in with another grown man, who's basically a vulture for whatever I'm eating at all times.

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This is exactly how it goes in my house, too! It really helps that my fiancé isn't a huge fan of chocolate, which at first I thought was a character flaw, but then I realized all it means is my stash is safe.

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