Twitter seems to be on a mission to pump out the worst tweets of the decade in the last few weeks we have left. I can only assume that's why the "What's something you can say during sex and BLANK?" joke has gained so much traction. It's cringey! It's weird! It has been infiltrated by brands. Netflix started the thread with their tweet asking, "What's something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand Twitter account?"
And folks, the brands came out of the woodwork to answer. I'm of two minds about this. First, I don't like it! It's like watching your parents make crude sex jokes. But second, I had a field day imagining the emergency meetings and Slack threads of the social media teams who run these brands' accounts, trying to come up with a tasteful sex joke about their company. That had to be a fun day at work, and I'm glad for them.
Cruel, cruel Netflix
They just couldn't keep their mouths shut, could they? They just couldn't not ask the brands to rise up like a sentient, sex-crazed zombie army and assault us with inappropriate jokes, could they? I see you, Netflix. And I don't like it.
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
Boston Market! How naughty! But really, I haven't had Boston Market in probably 20 years, but I bet the stuffing is delicious. Just butter and bread and garbage, but like, good garbage. OK, now I'm less mad at Boston Market and more hungry.
I bet Hot Pocket really wants a high five for this one. They think they nailed it. And you know what? I regret to inform you that they did. Three simple words. A perfect mess.
This is kind of sad and gross and disappointing, just like a box of Kraft mac and cheese. You always have such high hopes going in, and then it's never quite as good as you think it's going to be. Hey, I guess mac and cheese and sex are similar!
Give! Blood! NHS! What are you doing? You are doctors and nurses! You are saving people's lives! There is no room for his childishness. (Secretly, I love it.)
Poor Universal Orlando. Always second to Disney World. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Hey, at least bridesmaids get to sleep with the groomsmen, right?
I know what you're saying. You're saying what countless others have. Why did they go with this when the "bone-in" pun was right there for the taking? It's because they didn't think of it in time and then Wingstop swooped in and grabbed it.
I don't like this one! In what possible scenario would Pop-Tarts say this in relation to their brand? Pop-Tarts are already pre-filled. There's no filling them up. Get your head in the game, Pop-Tarts.
Honestly, the most shocking thing about this one is that Firefox is still around. Who still uses Firefox? Not I, that's for sure.
I, um... If you think about what Charmin is hinting at here, it's possibly the naughtiest of all the naughty jokes. Those eyes are so guilty-looking, and honestly, they should be.
I mean, this is hardly surprising. Look at Mr. Peanut. He's a player. I wouldn't be surprise if Mr. Peanut was a giant perv. Waiting for him to get taken down by the Me Too movement. It's only a matter of time.
I mean, they say this cheekily, but it's also probably true on both accounts. ColourPop Cosmetics deserves an award for educating the masses.
I have to be honest. As the company with probably the dirtiest-sounding name of the bunch, I expected more from Aer Lingus. They were probably careful to avoid anything too suggestive, though.
I am a total sucker for grammar jokes, so this one got me. But is this supposed to be a sex scene from the 1800s? If someone said, "Consider removing an article," to me while we were getting hot and heavy, they better be Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice.
Discovery coming in hot with the reverse reference to the Bloodhound Gang song that references them. Remember? "You and me baby aint nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!" Good one, Discovery.
Jimmy John's is known for being "Freaky Fast" with their sandwich delivery." That's great for sandwiches, but super speed isn't necessarily something to celebrate when it comes to sex. Sorry, Jimmy John.
Video game company Ubisoft has it right there in the name. "Ubisoft" or "You be soft" is the sweetest caveman compliment and I am a fan. (editor's note: Although during sex it might not be a compliment... I'll see myself out.)
Speaking of having it right there in the name, Full Frontal with Samantha Bee. If you don't have to do any work to make a sex joke out of yur brand, that's how you know you've built a great brand.
Hot tea / hottie
The image that this tweet conjures up is something I never wanted to see, but now I see it every time I close my eyes. I don't want to get into it, but it involves mittens and a tiny winter hat. Don't ask me for more details.
One magical night
This sentence, to me, is what a mysterious, hooded knight says to the maiden in the medieval inn he just boinked on his way to the jousting tournament.
It's where the pets go
Petco's motto used to be "Petco: It's where the pets go!" But now it's Petco: It's where the freaky-deaky sex toy fanatics go!"
Oh no. Oh no. We've flown too close to the sun. Gushers needs to back off. This isn't funny anymore. Gushers are for children. It's a snack for kids! This is why we can't have nice things!
I would expect nothing better...or worse...from Axe Body Spray. If someone was wearing Awe Body Spray and said this during a steamy sesh, that's the equivalent of like, 75 red flags. Run far away from the person who says this.
Who's in charge at Kettle Brand Potato Chips? I want to speak to their manager. And I want their manager to apologize to me personally for this tweet.
Convenience store Kum & Go is the only brand with any restraint whatsoever. And it should have been a slam dunk for them. But they are too good for this nonsense.