Facebook is a treasure trove of bizarre baby boomer behavior. There's such a specific way older people are weird on Facebook that it's hard to describe. But it's so so funny. And recently, Kristin Hagan stumbled upon a veritable gold mine: older women's Facebook bios. I don't know what these ladies are trying to achieve with their bios. I don't know if they even know they wrote a bio. But whatever's going on, they nailed it.
Eileen! What are you trying to say? Are you seafood? Is your last name "Oyster" or something? Are you spending your entire retirement on a search for good seafood? Looks like that body of water might have some mussels in it or something. But what do you mean, Eileen? Side note: Perfect mullet. Never change it.
Nothing is funnier than the angles at which old people decide to take photos of themselves. She looks like she's trapped in a log cabin. The only thing that might be funnier is how paranoid they are about Facebook stealing their information and how they think they can prevent it by writing things like "I do not give Facebook permission to print anything off my computer." Classic.
This woman needs to get in touch with Judy STAT. And she clearly can't call her herself because she lost her "mumbet." (I think she meant "number.") Look at the expression on her face! She's extremely serious about this.
There is so much going on here. I don't even know where to start. I think we have to start at the top and travel downward. I know this post is supposed to be about bios, but I cannot get over that cover photo. Those are real babies dressed like sunflowers. And then the profile photo. So close. So filtered. Finally, we get to the bio. Lady, you probably have high blood pressure because you're screaming all the time!
I love the repeat picture. I love that it's of her looking down at her phone (probably posting her Facebook profile picture!). And I love that her entire bio is the word "pasta." She should get with Eileen from the first photo. They could have a nice dinner together. Shrimp scampi or linguine with clams, you know?
This woman is not going to take any crap. She went to the university of life. She has a terrible granddaughter. Absolutely nothing in her life is new. Go ahead, just try something with her. She's seen it all.
I went to Facebook because I was like, "Maybe it's not clear that this section is supposed to be a bio. Maybe Facebook words it weirdly so it makes sense that some people would mistake it for a status update." But it literally says, "Add a short bio to tell people more about yourself" and then there's a button that says, "Add bio." This shouldn't be difficult!
Um, this is the best thing I've ever seen. When I grow up, I want to be a badass nana who kicks butt and takes names. I don't know why, but I imagine she has a collection of shotguns. And she's not afraid to use them.
I don't think this woman understands how Facebook works. It's literally chock-full of creepy people who message strangers calling them "dear" or asking how they are. Social media is a cess pool! Welcome!
Burger King order
This is my absolute favorite bio on the list. It's just her Burger King order. You know, in case you want to buy her a meal before you come over. I'm a little bit bummed that her information is blacked out because I think she and I could be really good friends.
Honestly, this is such a mood. Everyone should have the confidence and unapologetic energy of this woman right here. But maybe let's not take pics of ourselves with that lighting from that angle. Otherwise, she's nailing it.