Traditionally, the month of June is the peak of wedding season, but even if you're attending a celebration during this very typical time, chances are good it won't be 100 percent traditional. There have been so many changes in traditions over the years — most of them very welcome ones — and so many ways couples choose to unite before friends and family. The downside is, it can be difficult for guests to get a firm grasp of what is and is not OK behavior during someone's nuptials (or your own).
However, thanks to the helpful and extremely accurate input from some clever folks on Twitter, we can assure you these moves will always be inadvisable, no matter how much the institution of marriage evolves.
1. Take bets on how long it will last.
We've all been guests at a wedding between two people that don't seem quite as "meant to be" as two people promising to be together until death should be. Sometimes the red flags are all there for everyone to see, including the "happy couple." Still, even if you're feeling lucky it's not cool to go around asking the over-under on their future divorce.
2. Rate the bride and groom on their dancing skills.
I know some people think it's super cute when the newlyweds do a choreographed number for their first dance. Personally, I think it's pretty cheesy, but different strokes for different folks. However, even if I've desperately wished for a happy couple to leave the fancy ballroom moves to Dancing With the Stars, I at least know better than to channel Len Goodman and give my score for the performance.
3. Photobomb the wedding pics — with one exception...
Yeah, all doggos can disregard this advice, but if you're a human attending a wedding, this is definitely not your time to shine. But again, I must strongly reiterate to all doggos reading Distractify, this advice does not apply to you, and you must photobomb all the weddings you can. Glad we cleared that up.
4. Pose for pictures during high tide.
Planning a beach wedding? Aww, that sounds so romantic. Definitely take a gander at the tide table, though. You want to get swept away in the romance of the day, sure, but you don't want to get literally swept away by a giant wave. I bet this made for a fantastic wedding video you'd actually want to watch over and over again, though.
5. Hire just anyone you find in the sewers as your officiant.
Especially do not hire this guy. I'm not sure he's ordained, but even if he is, he's not gonna set the right vibe for such a special day. Also, while we're talking, it's probably best to leave him off your list of children's birthday party entertainers. His balloon animals aren't that great and also he will murder your guests.
6. Upstage the couple.
We've heard of people proposing at other people's weddings, announcing pregnancies, or breaking up publicly with their significant others. But none of those showstoppers top this definite wedding don't. It would definitely be an affair to remember, though!
7. Forget to practice your vows.
Take it from Mr. Divorce Force here, you gotta be rock solid on the name of the person standing in front of you when you're saying those vows. This isn't like when you accidentally say the dog's name when trying to get your girlfriend's attention. Today of all days, get that name right. There's just really no coming back from this one, even with the most understanding of brides or grooms.
8. Let the DJ or band play whatever.
There are certain songs that don't set the right tone for a wedding. Even at the height of Alanis Morissette's popularity, this would have been a questionable choice for your playlist. Other songs you should probably cull from the list include Billy Idol's "White Wedding" (unless it is a shotgun wedding and the couple has a VERY healthy sense of humor), "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood, and "If You Wanna Be Happy" by Jimmy Soul.
9. Bring takeout.
At least don't bring food to the ceremony, anyway. You may have dietary restrictions or be a picky eater that would necessitate grabbing a bite somewhere else before or during the reception — but even then, you should be discreet about it. And I can categorically say it's a bad look to waltz into the church with a bag from the Golden Arches.
10. Hit on the bride.
I get that weddings can be a popular spot to try to pick up a date. I don't respect it, but I get it. But if there's one person not to try out your flirting game with, it's the woman in the expensive white dress. Even if you're very certain the lawfully wedded couple is polyamorous, it's bad timing, man.
11. Make jokes about the bride's appearance.
I don't care how well you know each other, how playful ribbing is a part of your relationship. It's not the time. She just spent over $1,000 on that dress, plus alterations, probably did some unhealthy crash diet to fit into it and her emotions on a scale of 1 to 10 are at about a 37. Don't be cute, tell her she's beautiful.
12. Let fall-down drunks give toasts.
Honestly, it's a good idea to keep microphones away from people over a certain blood alcohol level in most circumstances. There's even a sweet spot for karaoke. Just as nobody wants to hear a completely hammered version of "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies, nobody wants to hear your drunk uncle's very inappropriate and vaguely racist story.
13. Troll your betrothed.
Honestly, I don't think exes really belong at your wedding in most cases, but this would definitely be a bad move, no matter how cool your future spouse is with you being friendly with former mates. Also, isn't the front row supposed to be for close family and friends?
14. Photobomb the first kiss.
This is honestly just great advice for anyone officiating a wedding, and something I'd never thought of before. There's just no facial expression you can wear that won't be creepy. Smiling? You look overly involved in someone else's moment. Stoic face: you look like you want to murder them for their happiness. It's really best to step out of frame.
15. Compare it to their past weddings.
Even if she's been married more times than Kim Kardashian, treat every wedding like it's the first time. But maybe pick something a little cheaper off the registry each time. Actually, hopefully if it's gotten to the point where you can compare it to multiple past weddings, she'll have enough taste to not have a gift registry. Carol, we all know you already have a food processor!
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