The problem of money in relationships is a common one. Often, partners disagree about how much to save and spend, and the stress of financial issues can lead to real problems. This is not exactly that. This is the case of an extremely wealthy man mysteriously being unwilling to spend money on his girlfriend of six years.
In a post on Reddit's "Am I the A-hole?" OP explains that her fiancé just proposed to her. They've dated for six years and, she writes, "He's RICH. Like owns a Rolls Royce and a mansion rich. Gucci belts and Chanel bags type rich." She didn't know this when they first started dating and says he "revealed" his secret wealth about nine months into dating.
While the ring he proposed with is beautiful, he told her he got it from Etsy for about $140, and that really hurt her feelings. It would be one thing if he didn't have a lot of money, or even if he just didn't have a habit of spending the money he does have. But that's not the case at all.
"He spent more on his dog's cage than my ring," she writes. He also gives his mom and sister $6,000 every month. He bought his brother a house and his friend a car. He has a fancy car and owns a yacht. He's not opposed to spending his money. He just seems opposed to spending it on the person he supposedly wants to spend his life with.
And she's upset only because it makes her feel like she's not a priority to him. "$12,000 a month goes to his mother and his sister," she writes. "Six years and he's never made a purchase bigger than $200 on me." She's always noticed his reluctance to spend money on her, and she feels like that means he either doesn't trust her or just doesn't even care about her.
And as much as the title of this post made me want to call her unreasonable, her explanation actually makes sense. It's not like she's a "gold digger." She writes that she bought her own car, pays her own rent, and buys her own food. She's in college and totally self-sufficient.
It's not the ring itself that she's upset about but, in fact, his behavior in this area for the entirety of their relationship. She doesn't even want something super extravagant. But she knows he could afford much more than $140, and the fact that he didn't makes her feel "like he thinks I'm not worth it."
And I get that. Although she's been sensitive about this issue for a while, she hasn't brought it up precisely because she didn't want to be labeled a gold digger. She writes that he is paranoid about people only liking him for his money, and she understood that early on. If she were to ask why he didn't spend more money on her, it could come off badly.
But she was really hurt by the engagement ring debacle, and so she said something. "I would think that six years and no complaints would ease his suspicion, but that's probably why he thought I'd be OK with the ring. But I wasn't, so I sat him down and said, verbatim, 'I wasn't expecting a ring from Etsy. I think it's beautiful, but that actually kind of hurts me. I would expect something a little better quality.'"
He flipped out, called her a gold digger, then called his mom and sister and they went off on her, too. I don't know if she had the chance to explain further, to say that she's watched him spend extravagantly on everyone in his life except for her for six years and even though it's not the money itself that matters, it makes her feel like she's not important to him.
Then she ends the post by saying that the gem on the ring fell off. I feel for this woman! She's in a tough spot, and I feel like her fiancé and his family are trying to gaslight her into thinking her concerns aren't valid when, in fact, they are, even if there's no real graceful way to approach them.
One commenter suggested that this move is a "sort of test" from her fiancé. Like he's been trying to push her limits to make her break and ask why he doesn't spend more on her. "I think you should really think about if you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a gold digger," they write. "Even if you aren't one, once you start asking for anything at all it will be seen as you gold digging.
"You can pay your rent and all your bills. You don't need him making you feel like a burden. This isn't about a $100 ring, but he doesn't want to listen to why you are hurt by the ring. Worse yet, he makes you feel bad when you try to communicate with him."
This is an important thing to consider. He clearly believes, even after all this time, that if she asks for anything, she only wants him for his money. If he doesn't believe her by now, he's never going to.